A Buddhist, A Witch and a Hippy Walk Into a Catholic Church…

Sounds like the start of some cheesy joke, but this is exactly what will be happening on Friday evening at 6pm. Sherine, Greg, Linsay and I will be attending Mass at Maryvale Catholic Church.

Yes. Mass.

Because my father died this year, we have been invited to come to Mass to remember him and maybe light a few candles. Even though I can very skillfully recite my way through Mass even now, I am not going to be a hypocrite and mouth the words along with everyone else. The standing and the sitting is fine. I draw the line at kneeling, genuflecting and doing the sign of the cross.

My father wasn’t even Catholic. My mother was, and he insisted he wanted the same ceremony in the same church as she had. We are going to honour him, remember him and celebrate his life. Well, that’s what I am going for. And maybe to light a candle because I still get tickled by the pagan-ness of lighting candles in a Catholic church!

Boddhisattva Never Disparaging

I have had a little… difficulty, shall we say… with sharing a home with my sister and her family, recently. I have been determining to change my relationship karma, to let go of my need for abusive relationships, and not surprisingly, this has kicked up some karmic dust. Difficult relationships have become a little more difficult and my first reaction is to run and hide away in my room.

Relationships are mirrors. What is becoming clear to me now is that transforming this karma is not so much about how other people treat me, it’s a lot more to do with how I treat myself and others.

I found this passage on Boddhisattva Never Disparaging on the SGI USA website:

“There is a fundamental oneness of self and others. Therefore when Bodhisattva Never Disparaging made his bow of obeisance to the four groups of people, the Buddha nature inherent in the lives of the four groups of arrogant people bowed toward Bodhisattva Never Disparaging. This is the same as how when one bows facing a mirror, the reflected image bows back” (GZ, 769).

I’ve resisted looking at some people’s Buddha nature. I figured how can someone that mean or nasty have Buddha nature? I realise now that they DO have Buddha nature, they are just not aware of it. By refusing to see the Buddha nature in those people, I am refusing to see the Buddha nature in me, and thus, slandering the Mystic Law.

I Bless The Rain Down in Africa...

There is a different quality to the rain in Africa. Especially out here in the Highveld, with the dramatic thunderstorms we get.

I missed these storms. I missed the scent of the earth after a downpour and the freshness of the air. I've missed the dark thunderheads that hang low in the sky and the electric morse code they send out. I missed the crashes and booms and then... the rain. The fat drops, the sheets of rain. Rain that could only be appreciated in Africa.

No. Rain is not the same wherever you go. Here in Africa, the rain is as wild as the land.

I Am One With The Universe... I Am One With Me....

(and an update)

Yes, 'tis I... Tanya. Blogging. Again. After almost a month's absence, I have returned to the blogosphere. A crappy, slow connection and pay-as-you-go Internet have forced me away from the computer and my emails and my blogging. Restricting a Gemini's ability to communicate is tantamount to torture.

The big news, so far, is that I have fallen in love. That's right. I have fallen in LOVE. With ME.

I have realised that if I want to transform my relationship karma, then I have to change my relationships with everyone I know and that includes my relationship with myself. So, after a time of searching deep into the heart of me, I decided that now is the time to transform all the crap and start seeing my glowing and beautiful Buddha nature. The added bonus is that since doing this, I can appreciate the Buddha nature in others too. Win-win.

I have also realised that since coming back to South Africa I have spent a lot of time going to Buddhist meetings and a lot less time hanging out with friends. So, now I am making a committed effort to spending more time with friends.

In other news, I am loving my new job as a chiropractor's assistant. I enjoy working for the man so much I would happily do it for free. I look forward to each working day and I feel valued and I feel I am contributing in a deep and useful way.

I bought some canvasses with my pay cheque. The guy at the shop gave me two extra canvasses for free - they had little tears in them. I started painting a mega canvas for my sister's Christmas present. The Goddess Hecate. It's really beautiful and as I work on it it feels as though I am channeling. Added to that, there is a long line of deities queuing up to have their portrait painted by me. Bast is next, followed by Freya, then Gaia and the Green Man. Yup. a Buddhist who paints channeled portraits of pagan deities! He he

Recently spent some time with my good buddy Joe. I am hoping, finances permitting, to go down to Cape Town for a short visit in February.

I am so happy, so peaceful and so settled now. Coming back to SA is the best ever move I could have made. Yes, I miss my privacy and I miss my friends in the UK, but I am also so grateful to be HOME.

Gratitude

At the beginning of this year, I did not imagine that I would be packing up my life in the UK to move back to South Africa. My plans were, instead, to continue teaching creative writing, getting more freelance work in. I did not foresee that just four months into the year, everything would be changed, and so dramatically too. Even then, when it all happened, I still considered my options in the UK.

I began 2007 with the conviction that I was going to make my life more positive, that I was going to create value. Well, the universe certainly ensured that, though not quite in the way I had anticipated.

I woke up this morning with a very profound sense of gratitude for my life and for everything that has happened to bring me here, to bring me home. I am grateful to everyone and everything that has happened to bring me here. More than that, since all this happened, so many people extended themselves to help me first of all to make this move, and then, when I got here, to make this transition in SA as smooth as possible.

So, I would like to thank the following people from the deepest part of my life:

Daddy, for continuing to teach me the value of life, even in his passing

Martin, for making me redundant and giving me a severance package, which he didn’t have to, that allowed me to buy my ticket

Kate, for being brave enough to end our relationship and give me my freedom

Lin, Lizzie and Sharon for giving me a home, even for a brief time, for the meals you cooked for me and the support and encouragement you lent me

Simon H, Jen and May for sharing their wisdom with me on 4th May and helping to realize my own potential

Sharon for showing me a new way to love and for the best 6 weeks of the year so far

Simon W, Julie, Erika and Mark for your love, friendship and support through a difficult period of my life

Sherine, Greg and Liam for giving me a home and too many other things that I cannot even begin to count

Chris and Liz C for your support via email

All my friends in SA: Joe, Dori and Justin, Tracy and Jane, Gav, Kerry, Timmee, Dimmy, Lisa and Linsay. Thank you for the dinners, the phone calls, the support, the work you’ve sent my way

Peterborough District of SGI for your support and Daimoku and The Great Lions District in Johannesburg for the opportunity to advance my life and develop my potential

And to my blog friends: (asterisk)*, Red, Karen, Healing Room and anyone else for your encouragement and comments

Thank you.

Some new poems on Tastes Like Fiction.

Tanya and Timmee at Moyo

TanyaTimMoyo
Originally uploaded by wyrdbanana

Don't we look like a respectable straight couple??

I, Servant of Fang

Fang is a six month old tabby and white kitten. I have been chosen to be his primary servant here at La Casa O-C.

With regard to naughtiness, Fang is in a league of his own, regularly disappearing with my sister’s cellphone or trying to quite literally grab the food off our plates. I have wrestled a piece of chicken and a lamb chop from his grubby little paws.

He thinks nothing of using his humans as step ladders, drawing blood as he makes his way from knee to shoulder. Little bastard. My back is covered in scratch marks and I’m not talking about the fun kind. Once on my shoulder, he elects to stay there, even when I stand up to walk around. Most disconcerting, since he refuses to move from his perch even when I have to make the necessary visits to the bathroom.

He’s also remarkably affectionate. At night he purrs around me in great big circles, trying to find the comfiest spot to lie down. While on his circuit of my blankets and me, he stops several times to lick me on the nose with his rough little tongue, or purr noisily while trying to nibble my ear. Or he chews on my pajama top. And in the morning he resorts to batting my cheek with his paw. If that doesn’t work, he tries biting my cheek. Or my nose. Little bastard.

He isn’t a cat that meows. Instead, he emits a high-pitched squeak. He’s singed his eyebrow whiskers by straying too close to a candle. He regularly chases after the other (larger) cats in the house. I no longer deem the water I leave beside my bed as safe to drink because he likes to stick his face in and drink from the glass. Doesn’t matter that he has a bowl of clean water in the kitchen.

Right now he is resting on my hand bag at my feet, in a very convenient patch of sun, warming himself. Like this, it’s hard to imagine he’s a little terror. I bet he’s gathering his energy so that he can bite my toes under the covers tonight.

I am HOME.

For about 5 years now I have wanted to make a final trip back to good ole Jozi. Back to my family. Now here I am. And I must confess it does feel a little weird. I feel like a foreigner in my own country.

Arrived on time on Sunday morning, having slept for just one hour on an 11 hour flight. I was completely exhausted. I spent most of yesterday tidying and getting my room organised. La Camera della Lesbica. Indeed. (Karen will be most pleased to hear that I did this while dancing around to Tom Jones). I phoned the Johannesburg Buddhists and I am off to my first meeting on Thursday night.

It will take me a while to adjust. I am doing some temp work, helping my sister out at her canteen until the end of the week. Pocket money is always welcome. Next week I take care of the admin stuff with a trip to the SA passport office, the bank and the Italian Consulate.

What thrills me the most is that I am here for the birth of my friend Dori's first baby. Over the years I have missed out on so many important occasions, and now this is the first event I will be here for to lend support and to celebrate. In person!

I miss Sharon and the magical time we spent together.

I miss my cats, but now I have some new ones. My sister has 5 cats so it's not so bad. Fang, the kitten, made a point of sleeping on my head, my neck and my face last night. I woke up gasping for breath to find that I had a kitten balanced across my chin.

It's all new and a little overwhelming, but I am looking forward to this new life that lays ahead. And who knows? Perhaps I can convince Sharon to visit SA along with all my other UK and US friends.

Sunset

2007_0711PointSpurn0052
Originally uploaded by wyrdbanana

This is the most beautiful sunset!

So Now I'm Back, From Outer Space...

Been a while. Miss me?

OK - time for a quick catch up. With less than a week to go for my departure to South Africa, and about two or three weeks between my last post and now, I am sure everyone's ready for some kind of update. Now, the post:

June has been a month of goodbyes. I have said goodbye to so many people and places the past four weeks and the hardest goodbye of all is still to come. I spent the whole of last week at Auntie Liz's cottage and chilled. I smoked, I drank, got stoned, I laughed, I healed. What a magnificent time I have had.

Sharon has been spending weekends with me and now, I am here in her home in Grimsby, about to enjoy a Chinese meal for two. And I am happy.

I will be arriving in Johannesburg on 15 July. Just myself and 20 kilos of luggage. No savings, no job, nothing. What better way to start one's life over? I am looking forward to it, and I am a little apprehensive. Max the Medicine Man has given me some herbs to help (side effects of which include making you really horny and intensifying orgasms - I can live with side effects like that).

Sharon and I intend to spend this week together and to savour each moment and enjoy what time we have. She is lovely, kind, generous and just what the Universe ordered. And I am happy.

Nothing in the Universe is random, and I believe that all of this has happened for a reason. What the reason is, I have no idea, but I am going to have fun finding out.

PS - also made it to the Stamford Riverside Festival with Sharon. AWESOME! Got sunburnt, though.

Mercury is Retrograde, Full Moon Approaches...Time Marches On.

Almost there. La Casa is almost cleared of its clutter and furniture. There are no more pictures on the wall and the cats are gone. I am not sad. La Casa della Lesbica will always be wherever I am. It's my spirit. Admittedly, when i get to South Africa, all I will have is La Camera della Lesbica, but it's still the same spirit.

2 weeks, 5 days.

The time has gone by quickly, yet there are parts that seemed to have slowed down to allow months of living to take place in single moments. In just three weeks, I have longed, I have dreamed, I have loved and I have found my centre. I have, in a space of a few months, travelled through years, discovered secret gateways into my soul. I have both lost and found. I've invoked the power of the Universe and conversed with the dead. I have cut my ties and I have formed new ones. I was broken and then I became whole.

I feel I have lived an entire life in the space of just 6 months.

Mercury is retrograde in Cancer at the moment and this forces us to consider our emotional attachments and relationships. I certainly have done much thinking about this. I regret to say that I have no conclusions to draw as yet. Whenver Mercury is retrograde, it creates havoc with travel plans, communications and new projects. Never a good time to start something new when Mercury goes retrograde. Mercury turns direct again on 9 July.

Still, I am happy. I have not felt this confident or comfortable with the woman I am, ever. This is good.

So, Let Me Tell You About My Weekend

Saturday started well. I met my students in Stamford for a cup of coffee. They wanted to say goodbye to me. It was fantastic. We drank and chatted even while the rain poured down and the other coffee shop patrons ran for shelter. We, instead, opened up umbrellas and stayed at our table.

I then hopped onto a train to Doncaster. I sat next to a dark skinned man who smelled like lemon sherbert and who dozed quietly as we sped through the countryside.

Sharon, my new lover, met me at the station and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon and evening together: a drive to Cleethorpes and then on to a pub that had a view of the Humber Bridge. And we talked. We laughed. It felt amazingly good.

I opened myself to each memory as it was made and I can still feel the wind whipping through my hair as we sped across the motorway in Sharon's sporty little car with the roof down.

Sunday was gloriously lazy. Sharon drove me back to Stamford and we had dinner. I took her on a piss-poor tour of the town and we finished up in The George and enjoyed some tea in the company of a ginger cat named Harry. (Harry was named after the hotel gardener and not Prince Harry as we had supposed.)

I am happy.

Some Advice I Once Got from My Dad...

(I am in the library. Why, in the name of all things holy and sacred, are library computers always so painfully slow?)

When I was about 12, I had a cat named Comet (this was 1986 and Haley's Comet was the Big Thing of the year). I got Comet out of the SPCA as a kitten. I saved up my pocket money and it wasn't much, but I donated all of it in order to have her.

She was a great little kitty. Black and white markings, crazy with such a lovely character and enthusiastic spirit. I only had her six months before she was knocked down by a car.

I was so devastated that she was dead. I remember crying bucket loads. It was winter time and I was sat in my pyjamas in front of the heater in my parents' room sobbing - and this was days after her death still. My dad came into the room (my mother may have sent him, though I am not sure) and asked me what was wrong.

"Daddy, I miss Comet. I loved her so much and now she is gone and I will never be happy ever again," I said between sobs and gasps for breath.

My Dad hugged me and gave me this advice: "You will be happy again, my hartjie. You'll see, in time you will be happy again. It will just take some time."

And time really is a healer, as cliched as that sounds. Time, and space. My Dad was right. In the Spring of that year, my cousin Lindsay's cat had kittens and amongst them was the pitch black little pixie I came to know and love as Nermal.

I have taken a lover.

After a week of emailling, I met S this past weekend. She's a lovely woman - warm smile, nice eyes. Spent a weekend at Auntie Liz's cottage with her and went for a walk through the village and up through the field. Enjoyed a quiet and romantic dinner and a very lovely evening.

Seeing her again this weekend and will enjoy her company once more.

It's been a rare and wonderful time, for which I am so grateful to the Universe for blessing me with.





4 weeks and 4 days...

Weekend

Well this weekend has been interesting. Interesting and strange.

The Week That Was... and Now My Brain HURTS

I have a headache. Not the worst headache I've ever had, but still, a headache. It comes out of my shoulder and it's too late now to take the SupaMegaPainkilling Medicine that usually kills the shoulder-neck-headache trinity of pain. Arse.

This Week, I Have:

1. Vomited my rage out in an uncharacteristic fit of anger

2. Been pleasantly distracted by a lady who appeared unexpectedly on my radar

3. Done some serious soul searching

4. Performed a Buddhist apology (san gai - is that how you spell it, Si?)

5. Said goodbye to my creative writing students

And now, exhausted, I am going to be tramping upstairs in order to soak my weary body and pounding head in a hot bath. With BUBBLES.

Rehoming

I got home from work yesterday and discovered that Kate hadn't left for London as she had planned. The problem? She was meant to take Mischa back to London with her and couldn't get her into the travel cage. I wasn't prepared for a) seeing Kate and b) seeing Mischa (as I'd said my goodbyes yesterday morning.)

Half an hour after we finally Mischa into the cage and Kate had headed for the A1, my student Polly came over to collect Noodle. My two precious girls (Mischa and Noodle) are now in new homes and the house feels weird without them. I still have Luce and Tink and Zak, but not for long.

Helen, a fellow Buddhist, came round to chant last night, which made everything feel a lot better. There have been so many goodbyes this year and still some more to come, but right now I am focussing on rebuilding my life successfully. The chanting helped to reinforce that.

Lucifer and Tinkie will go back to London with Kate next Thursday and Zak will move in with our neighbour, Janet. That's all cats rehomed.

I've booked and paid for my ticket back to SA. I leave on 14 July, a new moon for new beginnings.

Tomorrow I move my stuff in to my friend Lin's house, which will be one of the places I'll be staying during June. I'll also stay a few nights at Auntie Liz's place to take the pressure off Lin and to have privacy when I need it. I'll be nipping back into the cottage during the week and weekends to clean up where I can, which I hope will be over and done with relatively quickly.

Kate comes back on Sunday night and Monday we'll spend the day going through one of the big storage cupboards and dumping a whole bunch of junk. Right now it's a process of space clearing and practical tasks.

Life is too short for bullshit.

Tonight thousands, nay, millions of people in Great Britain will be disappearing into the vortex of Big Brother.

I won't be among them.

I've turned my hand to some poetry over on Tastes Like Llama. I last wrote loads of poetry when I was about 20. I am no poet and most of it is crap, but that's fine. At least I am under no delusions that it's going to make me rich and famous.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 34 years old now. It's a birthday I greeted with mixed feelings and as it turned out I had a reasonably good day. My friend Julie had agreed to give me a lift to a Buddhist women's meeting yesterday and I was treated to an unexpected birthday surprise: Julie's carer answering the door in nothing but a skimpy towel.

The day went well and I had a good time. I got a soul card from my friend Simon in Nottingham, CK One Summer from Julie, a cute handbag from my now ex-mother-in-law and a card from Kate.

I've also decided to return to South Africa on 14 July. I went to a travel agent yesterday but their systems were down so I couldn't book my ticket, so I'll have to go next weekend. Clearly the Universe wants me to wait one more week before I book the ticket.

I am coming home soon. My Auntie Carol said once that when a relationship ends, it's like a death and you must mourn it like a death. She also said there comes a time when you realise you've spent enough time crying about it and now, I have no more tears. I've paid my dues to pain and enough is enough and I want that pain right out of my life. This video says everything you need to know about how I feel right now.

UPDATE

Little hamster Bo now has a new home with Gillian. Kate's taking Mischa, her sister is taking Lucifer and Tinkie and her Auntie is considering taking Noodle. Zakky will be taking up residence with our neighbour, Janet. Hooray! Kitties homed!

I'll be living between my friend Lin and Auntie Liz during June. We still have some sorting and chucking of stuff to do.

I am feeling a lot happier and stronger now. I do not doubt that this is the right thing for me to do, and I have been thinking about this a lot. There's greater clarity, and right now, Kate and I are able to talk things through very amicably and I believe that something has turned for me. This is a very good thing.

Now we need to sort through all the practical stuff. And that suits me because in a way, doing that is helping me in a big way.

I promise that soon there will be a post that's about something other than all this shit. I found a drawing I did while going through my things. It was of the Dangerdykes before they were Dangerdykes. Yes! There was a pre-Dangerdykes! And they were known as The Dyke Squad. Weirdly, this was before I even met Kate and the spooky thing is that the drawing looks a lot like Wondermole. I laughed when I uncovered it. Once I get it scanned, I'll post it.

And I am finding all kinds of weird shit that should have been chucked out ages ago. Ah well. At least all my rooting around hasn't turned up any corpses belonging to small animals. Yet.

Truce!

Oy vey. So many comments on my last post. Sheesh. I wondered if I should actually say something about it all, but what the fuck, it's my blog so I'll say what I like.

Kate and I have declared a truce, and in fact, she warned me about the comment that she had made before I read it. I've left it up there because I am not a big fan of censorship. Thank you all for your comments and support. Including you, Kate.

I feel that the best way through this for myself is with strength and positivity, so I am not buying into the negative shit. It's what we Buddhists call Sansho Shima - the obstacles and devils that rise up to test you, particularly when you've made a decision that's right for your life. This negativity is a really good sign. It means I am on the right path.

I know that I am not the only one hurting here. I know that Kate is hurting too. It's not fun for either of us to be throwing four years of a life spent together away, and while healing will take time, I do think that we'll both be happier, stronger and certainly better people at the end of it. I am not excusing anything here. What I am saying is that there is a bigger picture and that Kate, too, is a Buddha.

The bigger picture is that while we are both caught up in the whole moving/house finding/cat rehoming thing, the waters will look murky to us and to those around us. When we talk about our situation to others, they will see the murk that we project, and that's ok. Whenever this gets me down, I remind myself that the beautiful lotus flower (hmm. maybe that will be my next tattoo?) grows in mud. I think of Kate, Bo and the cats as all having Buddha nature. While they may all infuriate me from time to time, or maybe even all the time, there is something deeper in all of us that exists: our true Buddha nature, hidden by a chemical cocktail, some water, electricity, blood, bone and flesh.

Both of us have a right to feel angry or sad or joyful and to tell the world about it. It doesn't detract from the fact that, in my book, that both of us have Buddhahood. Ultimately, I know that Kate and I will eventually lumber our way through this and with a little enlightenment from both our sides, we may even end up with the friendship that had underpinned the relationship that we shared. Without that friendship, I doubt we would have made it this far. Nor would we have been able to spend 25 minutes this afternoon discussing the fate of our children.

I am sure that you might think I am off my trolley and I've lost it completely. Of course I feel hurt and angry and upset. Of course I have told my friends that I have felt that way. I am sure Kate has done the same. As would you.

For both of us this has been a painful process in different ways. It is my aim to handle all of this with dignity and compassion because what I am aware of is that I am dealing with illusions. When the pain rises, I deal with it. When the anger rises, I vent it. Kate, I am sure, will tell you that she does the same. Those closest to us will have seen us at our worse this past week. and that too is okay.

The challenge for both of us is to come out the other side better, stronger and more in control of our lives and responsibilities. That's the way I see it. The point is to break through the illusion of the murky pond and to emerge as the beautiful lotus flowers we both are. We may not share the same pond, but we are still lotus flowers.

Decisions Made.

I have made a really tough decision today. Tougher still because although I am moving towards a new start and being in a place where I feel I can move on, I am also leaving behind a piece of me.

I am returning to South Africa. Hopefully in June.

I am fully aware of the impact this decision will have on the lives of those who I leave behind, and the cats. This wasn't something that was easy to decide. It has just been another painful barb in the chain that has begun the year.

On the other hand, I am also relieved and looking forward to being reunited with family and friends.

It's a strange mix of joy and pain that this has brought. I know I have made the decision from the centre of my life, so I know it's the right thing to do.

And regardless of what you may think, Kate, I still love you.

JOY

Today is the first time in five months that I have felt joy again. It was a bit of a surprise, actually.

I caught myself smiling while I was working this morning and realised that no matter what I choose or how I decide to live my life, it's all going to be okay.

This is a relief because I have spent more than a month in the most excrutiating emotional agony, which I have not really wanted to share. I feel like my life has been a living out of the tarot card, Ten of Swords.

This is what the web says about the card: The Ten of Swords portends a difficult experience of loss or release, but a new awareness and a positive sense of relief that the difficulty is finally finished will eventually follow the pain of this experience. Though this card may seem negative at first glance, it is a card of hope and an indication that our troubles will not be permanent.

The Ten of Swords appears to be a card of terrible misfortune, but, surprisingly, it often represents troubles that are more melodramatic than real. The man on this card has quite a few swords in his back.... When one disaster follows another, we feel devastated at first, but eventually we throw up our hands up and laugh. It's so bad, it's funny! In films, the hero says, "What else could possibly go wrong?" and we know a bucket of water is about to fall on his head. When you see the Ten of Swords, know that the last bucket has fallen, and you can expect a turn for the better.

Well, things are turning. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon and cried so hard I couldn't chant. I have felt a visceral pain well up from inside me and I have cried like a child, loudly, howling. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon with anger inside me that felt like I had been pierced through by ten hot knives.

I am not saying that I am not going to ever feel those things again, but it seems as though the pain has ebbed and now there is clarity.

Through this journey I have come to stand in the centre of my life. I am so grateful to all those things and circumstances that engineered this. I am so happy that I have had all of this to deal with because ultimately I am going to be standing strong and victorious.

And that's what this year is all about, isn't it? The year of advancement and victory.

Big Decisions, Weird Dreams

I had a dream on Saturday night. I dreamt that I had lost my two front teeth and needed to get to the dentist. I was the first one in the waiting room and after the other patients arrived, the receptionist ushered those with appointments to one side and handed out plastic spoons with numbers on to those waiting emergency treatment. She gave me a spoon with a number 8 on it. And I lost my rag and I shouted: "No fucking way! I was here first. Why do I always have to be the last one in the queue?" I chucked down the number 8 spoon and snatched the number 1 spoon and said, "The doctor will see me first."

What does this dream have to do with anything? Well, for starters, it is very powerfully linked to a big decision I have made: to put myself in the centre of my life. Up until just a few days ago, I have spent my entire life placing other people and situations in the centre of my life and I have simply revolved around them. From now on, every decision I make, everything that I do will be coming from the centre of my life.

The Incredible Wondermole

Creative Writing Classes and an Update

My students are finding the Advanced Creative Writing Course quite a challenge and frankly, so am I, considering this is the first time I am presenting it. I thought (briefly and thankfully not seriously) that perhaps I should drop the advanced class in the next term, but I know that I need this challenge. It serves to stretch me both as a writer and as a teacher.

In the process of teaching my students, I am also recovering a sense of my own creativity, which Jen, Si and May reminded me about on Saturday. It's interesting to me how grief and loss packs all that creative energy up and sprints off with it. The soul uses that energy for healing. That's the only thing I can see.

Alan the Healer began a process of unlocking my pain for me on Saturday, and I am deeply grateful to him for that. I know that this is the right time to begin examining these things. I have locked my grief away in order to deal with more immediate issues. The grief is still there, trapped in my neck and shoulder. I've also begun to discover how other emotional pain manifests in my body: shoulder is grief and not feeling 'good enough'. Headaches are feeling overwhelmed. My feet and the problems I have with them are related to stepping on myself and putting myself down. Heal the pain, heal the body.

Comic Strips

I have begun some sketches of the Dangerdykes. Just to get me back into the flow of drawing them because it's been a while. I've made some changes to their costumes. I've written out a few storylines. It's going to come together.

I am being ambitious and planning a few other comic strips, which I will occasionally put out on this blog. They are in their infancy and I am not sure if they would work. One of them is titled Unhappily Ever After, the other is Spacemonkey. I am also working on developing a strip that has been incubating for about three years now titled Goth Kid. I hope to get some sketches up on the blog soon.

Thing is, with all this drawing my lovely art pen has dried up and I don't have the extra cash to spend on a new one. Yet. I haven't quite worked out yet how I am going to ink all these comic strips, but I'll make a plan. I think I still have a bottle of ink somewhere and a brush. That should be interesting.

Regardless of all that, I am still going to put up my rough pencil sketches later on today. Hooray!

Some Lyrics...

... that today speak to me of a number of things. Not least of all how much I miss my Dad. I heard this and thought perhaps of him being out there in the ether somewhere saying these things. Four months today. I miss you, Daddy.

Tracy Chapman - The Promise

If you wait for me then I'll come for you

Although I've traveled far

I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me

If you miss me once in awhile

Then I'll return to you

I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way back to you

If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me like I dream of you

In a place that's warm and dark

In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

And What is to Become of the DANGERDYKES????

Fear not my pretties! I have thought long and hard about the fate of The Dangerdykes now that Kate and I are no longer a couple. And EUREKA! I have it!

DANGERDYKES WILL LIVE ON! I am developing several storylines and I will begin sketching VERY soon and yes! Dangerdykes will be up on their blog soon. And this time, I am going to do at least two months' worth of comic strips so that those of you who enjoy their escapades will not be disappointed.

Added to that, coming soon, will be Dangerdykes merchandise. From Cafepress, once I wrap my head around how all that works.

The Dangerdykes are still around ladies and gentlemen, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Jesus, either.

I am pulling my head out of the gloom and putting those creative juices to work. Yeeehaaa! As Freddie once said, "Don't stop me now!"

Out and About in Nottingham

I went up to Nottingham yesterday. My friend Simon invited me to join him and a few other people for the day and encouraged me to get there early so that we could go and get some spiritual healing.

I set off at 8am and just as we walked out of the Nottingham station, we saw a woman who had fallen and cut her head open. We, along with some other people, helped her out, made sure the first aid guy was there to help and then moved along to meet up with Si's spiritual healer friend, Alan.

The healing was really good and very much needed. I didn't realise how much of my emotional pain was contained in my shoulder. After the healing, the pain in my neck and shoulder eased off and my shoulder felt normal and pain free. It's still normal and pain free this morning.

After meeting Jen and May at Si's place (which I totally love because he has such gorgeous taste) we had a little lunch and then set off on a trek around Nottingham. Our walk took us past Nottingham Castle, where some people were performing songs from Grease. Then on to Ye Olde Jerusalem, England's oldest inn, apparently. We happened upon a reggae sort of band that was performing as part of some rally that was held earlier in the day. After that, a stroll along the canals and we stopped for a quick cup of tea before Jen and I had to race back to Si's place to pick up our stuff in order to get back to the train station for 6pm.

I have so many blisters on both my feet and my legs ache, but it was a really good day. I had a long chat with May about life and she and Simon proceeded to convince me that I should move up to Nottingham. The social life is more vibrant, there is more culture, more to do, more people to meet and more jobs. Not to mention a thriving buddhist and gay community. Their words are very seductive. Their arguments were persuasive. There is definitely a great benefit to living in a large city. The countryside is quiet, isolating.

The world has suddenly loomed larger on my radar. Si, Jen and May convinced me to put some designs onto Cafepress and to consider bringing my canvasses to a little gallery cum tea room to sell. All in all it was a good day. Being around friends was indeed therapeutic and really renewed my faith in my life and my abilities. They opened up a world of possibilities to me and that is something I am deeply grateful to for all of them. Thanks guys!

I The World of Hell

In Nichiren Buddhist tradition, Hell is a life state that we create and exists within our lives. Hell also contains the other life states, including Buddhahood.

I say this only because this describes my current state. My lifeforce has run out of juice, man, and I am operating on fumes alone. Well, fumes and caffeine. Who would have thought a fatty like me wouldn't need to go on a diet? I don't recommend stress as a form of weight loss at all, though.

OK, to answer the question on everyone's mind: How did the Interview at the Cat Mag Go?

Well. I sucked. All the interview served to do was highlight to me all the gaping holes in my experience and qualifications. I think I came across badly. I left the interview feeling really dejected and low. I doubt I'll be called back for a second interview.

This whole job hunting thing is wearing me down. I pretty myself up, sit in front of a stranger and try to justify why I am such a good catch. I answer the same questions with the same answers. I've seen more fake smiles and polite nodding than I can stand. I've only had rejections from every interview I've been to so far. I am so grateful for the temping job, because without that, I am not really sure what my state of mind would be right now. (Then again, I shudder to think of it being any worse than it already is)

To cheer myself up, I think about Nelson Mandela. Seriously. I think about a man spending 27 years in prison, most of which was spent on an isolated island, with very little contact with the outside world. My situation is much better than that of Nelson Mandela's and look at the legend he became.

I think about Nichiren Daishonin, exiled to the isolated, treacherous Sado Island in the dead of winter with nothing but a flimsy blanket and a run down hut to keep him from the elements. My situation is much better than Nichiren Daishonin's. Except, I am no founder of a Buddhist practice nor am I the ex-president of a country.

The Work Thing

Tempiong at the moment. Boring shit. I can't wait to get a job that's worthy of me. I have spent so much time doing naff shit. I am still grateful I have work, though.

Tomorrow is The Big Interview at Your Cat Magazine. This is The One. I am going all out, pulling out all the stops, wearing make up, doing my hair, even giving myself a manicure. I want this job SO BAD I can taste it. And it tastes good.

I wasn't nervous about the other interviews. I am nervous about this one. Man, this is my dream job. Part of me is afraid I won't get it. Part of me is afraid that I WILL get it and then proceed to make an arse out of myself.

I am chanting constantly for this job. I read recently that we should go for things 100% and if we don't get it, we should view it as protection from a grave error. Well, I hope the shoten zenjin are working in my best interests here. I would so love this job. It has Tanya O written all over it. In caps. Bold. And in rainbow colours.

Wish me luck.

Red Interviews Tanya

How does your temperament reflect the typical characteristics of your star sign?
I think I am pretty much a Gemini. I have loads of Gemini in my chart, and absolutely no earth signs in my chart. This means I have nothing to ground me and I spend a lot of time living in my head and more than one person has told me that I think too much. I place a lot of emphasis on communication, which is a very Gemini trait. I am also born in the year of the Ox, and I possess a great deal of the Ox qualities too. I think that some of the Ox influence acts as grounding to the Gemini flightiness. But, I can be contradictory and indecisive. And I get bored very quickly.


Do you have a favourite cat breed? Which is it, and why?
My favourite cat breed is the common garden variety accidental mix. I wouldn't want a cat with a pedigree as long as my arm. I think that regular cats are far more psychic. Yes. I did say psychic. And they are not prone to diseases that run through the pedigreed sort. I love cats, all cats, but I prefer the ones that have not been engineered.

Is England home for you these days or do you think you'll want to go back to South Africa one day?
I think that going back to South Africa will happen some day. Home really is where the heart is and it has nothing to do with going back to my roots. It's going back to my heart. It will be some time yet before I can even contemplate this because I have debts to pay and a life to get back on its feet. Ask me again in two years. But South Africa is definitely still home.


Dating: do you prefer to be asked out or to be the one doing the asking?
Oooh. I don't know. I like doing the asking, but I also like being asked. There's less risk of being rejected if I am asked, but I like to make someone feel special. Either way, if she's a lovely person and I want to spend time with her, I don't mind who does the asking.


Do you like your first name? Were other names considered for you at birth?
I like my first name. As a child I had problems saying "Tanya" and so named myself "Tammy". My family still call me Tammy. Only family, however, get to do that. I hate it when someone outside of family calls me Tammy, unless I feel comfortable with them to such a degree that they are like family. Tam or Tammy is a lot more familiar to me and until I went to primary school, I believed that was my name. My parents had to explain to me that people would be calling me Tanya and that Tanya was really my name. It was a little weird being Tanya in the beginning. Only the people in South Africa call me Tammy. I hate being called "Tan". Taz and T are very acceptable.

Update Time, Everyone....

So.

I have been running around to all kinds of job interviews. Been interviewed for a job I know I will turn down and for one that I could see myself doing, and it will be OK, but nothing that will really blow my hair back. Had a phone message today from the Your Cat Magazine people. I must give them a call tomorrow. Let's hope it's for an interview and not to tell me to stop sending my damn CV to them every time they advertise a job. AND if it IS an interview, let's hope I get the job because THAT, my friends, will indeed blow my hair back.

A nice employment agency has managed to find me some temp work in the meantime. I have spent the last two days responding to emails from random people who can't log in on the company's website, with instructions on how they can do so. Not blowing my hair back, but most certainly, there will be a few coins in the coffers once this is all over and done.

Tomorrow night I begin teaching the first Advanced Creative Writing Class. GO ME! Looking forward to that.

I am, however, emotionally exhausted. I hadn't really felt the grief for my Dad's death until about a week ago, when I lost something else that seemed safe and familiar in my life. Now I intend to get back onto my feet and save as much as I can, pay off as much as I can and head off on a little weekend somewhere on my own. Like a spa or retreat. Or this place. Or maybe this place. Failing all that, my friend Fiona in London is keen that we get together, so I might head down to London and spend time with her. Regardless, I feel I need a break. I feel I need a little time away from everything to recharge the old batteries and restore my faith in life and in love.

On Dating and Relationships (in General)

I started writing a novel about a woman who in one fell swoop loses her lover, her job and her home. (I do think it's funny that life is imitating art in a way) As a result, I've been thinking a great deal about relationships and how we hand ourselves to other people and all that's involved with that.

I came up with a stream of thought that I think I will definitely include in the book, but which I think is worth sharing out here.

It goes a little something like this (from the novel in progress by Tanya O):
WARNING: What follows is first draft material

At some point I will have to go out there. I will have to meet that woman that someone thinks is perfect for me, go to that club, go to that dinner, which is nothing more than a match making set up.

The thing is that I don't want to. It's not that I am afraid of meeting people. It's not that. I'm just someone who is a lot more comfortable with the part of a relationship that feels familiar and safe.

I'll explain: at the beginning of a relationship, you have all this excitement and sparkle. It's a bit of a high as you explore each other. Sounds like magic, but that's the part I am not looking forward to at all.

What I miss, is that secret language you come up with for your relationship. That part of the relationship in which you know every knot and groove of her life and on her body. You've learned the short cuts to make her laugh, to get her to talk to you, to get her turned on. It's a degree of intimacy that has become as natural as breathing. The way in which she curves her body around yours at night. Not looking for where the grooves are, but knowing.

I don't want to have to tell my stories to someone else as though I have never told them to anyone before. I don't want to have to learn a new language and new short cuts and have to try to find the knots and grooves in someone else's life.

Life in the Rutland Countryside

Long overdue post, this.

I recently took a little walk around the village and snapped a few pictures for the viewing pleasure of you, my readers and friends.

Despite what the sign says, very few people drive carefully through the village. Something about country roads seems to bring out the maniac in many drivers.

There are quite a few ducks in the village. There's a little stream that runs through it, which encourages water fowl. The sign I took a picture of is not as entertaining as the one entering the village off the A1. It has the picture of the duck and a notice proclaiming "Wild Fowl".

Needless to say that the ducks wander quite casually across the road or up and down the lanes. There have been a few duck related tragedies due to this nonchalance, but luckily not too many.

My favourite village sign is the one indicating Viking Way, which is a public footpath. The name, for some reason, just tickles me.

I've gone for a walk up Viking Way several times. It's a lovely ramble. Viking Way is quite narrow at first, but leads up to some gorgeous open fields. I have always loved being close to nature, and living out here where there are some superb walks is a true blessing.

As you leave the village, you can see more of these open fields, which every year are planted with rape. These lovely little yellow flowers are gorgeous, and I always feel happy when they make their appearance in the spring. Problem is that these same flowers are responsible for setting off my hayfever and I spend spring and summer sniffling and

sneezing and looking like I've been punched in the face as a result.

Tabula Rasa

Clean slates and blank pages hold great potential and excitement for me, but they can be terrifying. Especially if you don't know what you would like to start over with. Or where to begin.

Again, I think of the forest fires that hit South Africa's Garden Route every now and again. They take with them hundreds of years of plant and animal life, leaving nothing but scorched ground. Black, ugly, singed ground.

In 1996 I visited the Tsitsikamma region just after one of the big forest fires. Driving past these blackened areas I spotted sprigs of green coming up through the earth.

A clean slate, a new beginning is a bit like that black ground after a forest fire. At first glance, it reveals nothing but devastation, disaster and pain. But if you look closer, there is hope. That complete annihilation has made way for something new and beautiful.

At these point, my clean slate looks like the scorched ground. But this morning, I spotted the first sprig of something green and hopeful coming up out of the ground.

A Cat in the Ointment

Over the years I have accumulated a great deal of experience in administering pills to cats. During this time, I have learned that there are three ways in which this can be accomplished:

a) crush pill, mix with food
b) place whole pill in tasty treat such as salmon or cheese
c) place pill on cat's tongue, close its mouth and wait for it to swallow

I've used these methods with varying degrees of success. In the process I have discovered that not all methods work for all cats, and one method that used successfully won't necessarily work on the same cat more than once.

I am now in the position where I can confidently declare that I would choose giving a cat a pill over trying to get ointment onto its eye.

I have had my arms shredded to ribbons by a less than compliant Zak each time I've had to put the ointment in his eye. I tried Kate's method, which is to put the ointment onto tissue and wipe the eye. This resulted in a struggle between cat and human and I did no more than smear the ointment on Zak's cheek. This will clearly not help to clear up his eye.

The bastard vet made it look so easy, and Zak was too stunned to protest. I guess that having a thermometer shoved up your bum would do that. Also the vet had me holding Zak so that he was out of claw's way when he did it.

What makes it worse is that the other cats have decided that I am a bit of a meanie for trying to stick something in Zakky's eye, and all but Mischa are giving me the cold shoulder.

So... I have one cat to give away to a lucky reader - tube of ointment comes free.*



*this statement is not necessarily true.

It's Monday... So Here's An Update

I had acupuncture this morning from the physio. All at the expense of the NHS. Bonus! The needles did not hurt going into the skin, but they did hurt when the physiotherapist twizzled them a couple of times. They just felt a little achy while they were in. My shoulder is overjoyed. She told me I would probably only feel any effect after 3 treatments, but by the time I got into my car, my shoulder pain had eased off to such a degree that I felt like it was almost restored to normal! I go for another session next week. The Universe has been very generous to me in this regard. I really feel this is the way to help my shoulder and I do not regret this decision at all. The little bit of pain and ache I felt while she turned the needles was worth the relief I feel now.

Took Zak to the vet this morning as well. Nice little South African guy. Is it just me, or are vets far more compassionate than regular human-treating doctors? I don't think it's because you PAY a vet. I've paid doctors too when I lived in SA. I guess it's different if you are following your passion than if you are just a clever person who thought that med school would be a nice idea. Not to say there aren't any human treating doctors out there who aren't passionate about what they are doing. I think that the NHS kills whatever passion many people first felt entering the medical profession.

Regardless, I can report that Zakky definitely has conjunctivitis and he got an antibiotic injection and a little tube of ointment for his eye. He already looks better and is in much better spirits now that it probably doesn't itch as much. He's outside following Lucifer around.

Took some photos yesterday, which I will post later on. I have job applications to fill out and an article to send off to a magazine, so I best get on with doing that.

Yech.

The bottom fell out today.

I had a rough night and a sleep that pulled me from one disturbing dream to the next and when I woke up this morning I couldn't find the happiness switch on my life. Arse.

Little Zak looks like he has conjunctivitis again and his bottom lip looks all swollen. Poor miserable little poppet. I will be running him to the vet tomorrow and to sweeten the blow I bought a couple of cans of tuna. It's awful when one of the cats gets ill and I really feel for him. Bless his little velvet paws.

I have my physio appointment at 8:30am tomorrow. I get to enjoy the wonders of acupuncture - woo! I have never felt happier about needles before. Today, the shoulder is agony and I had a moment where I felt it would be wonderful if I could just cut it off and get a new one.

Enthusiasm and the joy thing have drained away from me and I found myself alone on the couch with a cup of coffee, sobbing like a three year old. It was bound to happen at some point, though. Best to get the crap out of the way so that a path is cleared for the good stuff.

Here's the horoscope for Gemini this coming week:

There is a New Moon in Aries in your social zone on Tuesday, TANYA, which allows you to make a fresh start in this area. If you have been pining to join any particular clubs or groups or have felt the urge to take part in any networking events, then this is a great time to do so. You have two weeks to get going and will also be able to tap into the power of the waxing Moon herself. See it like planting seeds, in that as you sow, so shall you reap. On Thursday, Saturn will turn direct, and this is going to help you make greater progress in the area of communications. You may have been through a period of soul-searching, and the discoveries you have made about the way you mind works will now begin to pay off. You will notice yourself making greater progress. The Sun trines Pluto on Thursday, which may coincide with a powerful meeting that will bring about changes in your life in one way or another. Someone will change the way you feel about yourself. Mercury is also helping you to socialize and start up some creative conversations. But on Saturday, you may find yourself suffering from a sense of emotional paralysis concerning whether to get to know someone better or not.

Period of soul-searching is about accurate.

I feel quite alone and adrift. I am not sure what my next step should be, but I know that stepping down from the challenges is not an option. I have to see myself as strong and capable, even if I don't feel like that right at this moment. I will not accept defeat. Yeah, I may feel like shit right now, but I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I can turn this around and experience my joy again.

All of these things are only temporary - except for my Dad. I think my Dad's death is pretty much a permanent thing, despite dreaming that he is alive and well again as I have done each night the past week.

And that's the shit thing. I dream that he is alive, that his illness has been cured. He has come up to me in the middle of Stamford High Street in one of my dreams, with a massive smile on his face, wearing his suit (Dad never went out without a jacket and tie). He gave me a massive hug and looked so very happy to see me and when I woke up, I remembered he was dead and that I won't ever bump into him again anywhere. And that sucks.

All of the other shit pales in comparison to the loss of my father. I feel I let him down in some way by not being there in South Africa for him.

Still, I must remember that the Lotus flower grows in mud. If something as beautiful as a lotus flower can come out of mud, then something beautiful can come out of the shit of my life.

Another Book, Another Day...

I have finished another book! Hooray! Go me. I have completed reading 6 books and now I am only 4 short of my reading target for 2007. I am not planning to slack off in any way.

I spent much of my day in the garden playing with the cats. I feel really good about myself and about life.

Right now, the main thrust of my life has been concerned with creating and maintaining a deeper sense of the spiritual, and in living in the NOW. Today, while I chilled out in the garden, I was reminded of how beautiful life is and that the things I believed to be important, were not important at all.

I lay on my back for a while and it felt as though the earth was giving me a big hug. Yes, I know I sound like a hippy (shoo-waaah-hey) but who cares? If it feels good and it makes me feel strong and supported and loved, and it's harming no one, I will do it!

Eckart Tolle is so right when he says that your whole perspective shifts when you start living in the NOW. There is only this moment and for me, it is a wonderful moment, in which I am deeply grateful for everything I have in my life, for my life itself and also for the hardships because through them I have grown and learned.

Life is indeed good.

Update

It is now time for me to get my head out of the clouds and pick my heart up off the floor and put out an update.

One Week Challenge

The one week challenge (to draw or paint something every day for a week) was derailled by circumstances beyond my control. What I like to call the Oh Fuck or Oh My God principal. (By definition, these means that something shitty has happened and I am running about like a blue arsed chicken). I will, however, try to do the challenge this coming week.

La Casa della Corpse

There have been several wild life tragedies in the past four days. This kind of thing happens when you share your home with 5 serial killers. In the past four days, we have had the pleasure of removing several corpses: four field mice, two birds and one (bizarrely) dead leaf. We know that Zak was responsible for the deaths of two field mice (and judging by the fact he was looking a bit off colour, he most likely ate a third) and that Noodle was responsible for one bird and one field mouse. Oh the bloody joys of bloody spring.

Kate Plays the Drums... Again...

Kate's been playing the drums again. She's put a video up on her blog. Go along and have a look and leave a comment.

The Job Hunt

The employment agencies have told me that it's a quiet period. I have sent CVs out all over the place. And today, I am applying for an ambitious position: that of sub-editor for THIS magazine. I cannot imagine a job better suited to me than this. Still trying to remain positive, but the past few days have been difficult ones. I am sure that things will work out. Time and sweat.

Life

It would be so easy for me to fall into the life sucks mode right now. That's not going to accomplish anything and it's certainly not the person I've become. Sansho shima, we call it in Nichiren Buddhism. Obstacles thrown up by the devils and demons, which, in Buddhism, are really your own inner negativity and not actually real boogeymen like in Christianity.

The fact that so much has changed in just a short space of time does demand a price, though. Needless to say that under the circumstances both Kate and I are doing well and we are not being nasty about things. In fact, we're getting on better now than we did together! There is no anger there. And that makes things easier.

It's All A Dream...

Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my favourite writers and teachers. His teachings are very strongly matched Buddhist philosophy. He sets forward the idea that we create our own reality through "dreaming" our lives into existence. Everything that we have in our lives is there because we dreamed it into existence.

This echoes the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, which is strongly linked with Karma. All that we have now, we have created ourselves. We have drawn experiences into our lives through making various causes - positive and negative - and this creates certain effects in our lives. Our present day lives reflect the causes that we have made in the past, and if we choose to change the circumstances we have for the future, we must change the causes that we are making now.

My friend Mark recently introduced me to The Secret, which again is aligned with Buddhist philosophy. It takes the concept of cause and effect further, stating that our thoughts are energy and the Universe responds to that energy frequency and gives us what we are thinking about. Worried about debt? Notice how the more you worry about the debt, the worse it gets? The Universe doesn't discriminate. It takes the signal that you are focussing on the debt, and sends you more.

In the Buddhist tradition, we create causes that bring about our debt, or relationship, or job situation. Similar principal.

Often we don't realise that we play an active part from day to day with the creation of our lives. We get to choose who we associate with. We choose how to react to things. We choose to focus on a particular emotion and become consumed by it. Our days are filled with choices, yet most of our time is spent reacting to others, rather than taking an active role in our life state.

This is the difference between engaging with your own life and letting life simply happen to you. Most of us have bought into the illusion that we are powerless to effect change in our lives. We are taught as children that we are naughty, no good, hopeless or only good at certain things. Buying into these illusions is what Don Miguel calls making agreements.

The great thing about it all is that you DO have a choice. You do get to create your own future, your own world, your own dream. We all have the ability to manifest the lives we truly want. I believe that what it takes is belief, sweat and a little time and you can create anything you want within your life.

My father's recent passing reminded me that our time on this plain is limited. It has served as a signpost for what is TRULY important in my life and to me. This moment is all we have. Make it a wonderful moment.

Splitsville

Things have changed at La Casa Della Lesbica. We have decisions to make, things to do. Sadly, all things must eventually come to an end.

I will let Rodrguez speak for me here:


If there was a word
But magic's absurd
I'd make one dream come true.

It didn't work out
But don't ever doubt
How I felt about you.

But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.

This video says it all.

Here are the lyrics for those who have never heard Henry Ate's song, Just, before.

JUST
(Henry Ate – Slap in the Face 1996)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1996) Ate Publishing

Lately I’ve been thinking what if I was wrong
And the world never meant you and I to belong
We’d have wasted so much time building castles in the sky
Only to watch them all fall down
Would it be all of our dreams so well suited to you and I
Could only be half acquired would it be worthwhile?

If I could just understand thisI might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild

For lately I’ve been thinking what if you were wrong
And all the things you’ve taken were never meant to be gone
You’d have given a gift from above so freely having given no thoughts to love
And would it be all of your dreams so better suited to someone like me
I would watch you achieve wouldn’t that make me so damn unhappy
On the level thinking back - I…

No if I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realiseI’m not what I seem insideI go wild, I go wild, I go wild

No if I could just


And here's some more lyrics

I'LL BE FINE
(Henry Ate - Torn and Tattered 2000)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1998) Ate Publishing

I'll be fine
There's no consequence in thinking that
Better or worse the sun still shines
It greets you every morning says
Forever going to take a little

While I am sitting here thinking it over
It's all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should've seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye

So I'll just smile
There's no reason to apologise
For all my intentions I'll survive
Paint a better picture and live in it for just a little..

While I am sitting here thinking it over
Its all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should have seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye
Say goodbye

So is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second

I'll be fine

The Chronicles of Rattick

The past couple of days have been a bit of an adventure here at La Casa della Lesbica. One of our furry children (toss up between Zak and Noodle) saw fit to bring a live rat into the house. I suppose killing is a lot more fun to do at home.

In any case, this rat, a seemingly intelligent and resourceful type, managed to escape unharmed from feline clutches to hide in the living room.

Where in the living room? Under my altar. Then under both couches. Then under the TV stand and even making a dash for the book case, amongst the books.

I suspected something was up when I came home on Wednesday afternoon and spotted Noodle, Tinkie and Zak trying to get behind my altar. I figured that a) something live was in the house and hiding or b) something live had been in the house hiding, but was no longer there. I decided that I would leave the cats, being experts in catching things, would eventually corner and murder this poor creature - whatever it was.

So, after trying in vain to fall asleep, I got up at 1am this morning for a visit to the bathroom. I hadn't even made it to the bathroom door when an unholy racket erupted in the living room with hissing cats and a squeaking creature. It was under one of the couches. I moved the couch and caught a glimpse of a twitchy nose, beady eyes and whiskers. It was the creature that I came to call Ratty.

I tried in vain for an hour to get Ratty to safety, but he (assuming that was his gender since I know nothing about sexing vermin) would have none of it. I chased him around the living room and even upstairs and back down again. Finally, around 2am, I announced that I was leaving his fate in the paws of the cats. He was on his own.

When I got up this morning there were no corpses. The brave little rat was still alive. Bastard.

I returned this afternoon from a two-hour Buddhist chanting session. Still no corpse. Bastard.

I set about trying to coax Ratty into a box by enticing him with a piece of cheese on the end of a stick. Ratty simply pulled the cheese off the stick and ate it while I watched. Smug little bastard. Zak took over the vigil for me and I went outside and mowed the lawn. Upon my return, I discovered that Zakky had cornered the rat between the CD stand and the bookcase. Excellent.

Armed with a box, I managed to use an old plastic lid to scoop him inside his new home and quickly closed the lid of the box. I took him out to a nice grassy patch (where I am sure he was hunted from originally) and opened the box. Ratty didn't want to come out. Bastard.

After a couple of minutes of sweet talk, Ratty made a happy bolt for freedom and lives to fight another day.

ENCOURAGING!

I got this email from my friend Julie:

The New Human Revolution, Vol.2, Page241

Shin`ichi Yamamoto then discussed the meaning of the word Buddha: "The expression `to attain Buddhahood` is widely used in Japanese society to refer to a person`s death, with the term Buddha being used to indicate the deceased. These, however, are erroneous usages. If we could attain Buddhahood and become Buddha`s at death without any effort, there would be no need to apply ourselves to Buddhist practise while alive."

"Buddhism teaches that the life of a Buddha exists within us. By `life of the Buddha`, I mean the supreme life force never to be defeated under any circumstances - a fountainhead for the creation of value. We could also describe it as a powerful volition towards perfection."

"Attaining Buddhahood means manifesting this inherent life of the Buddha, and Nichiren Daishonin revealed the Gohonzon precisely for this purpose. When we believe in and chant to the Gohonzon, we can open the way to happiness - not after we die but in the present - by creating real value in society. This is the principle of `faith manifests itself in daily life`."


Key Points:

1. Determination never to be defeated in spirit, no matter what our immediate circumstances.

2. Believing in our own inherent value as individual`s - for who we are not what we have.

3. Transforming our negative karma by helping others to fight their own difficulties is the best way and quickest way to overcome our own difficulties.

4.Faith is the spirit never to be defeated, never to stop trying to win, for others and ourselves.

A New Project

I had coffee this afternoon with one of my creative writing students, Liz. She was once involved with the publishing business and has proposed a superb ideafor a new project. I'll elaborate once the whole thing gets off the ground.

Speaking to her has been remarkably inspiring and she has advised me on marketing myself and I have discussed my ideas for several projects with her. I am deeply grateful that I have this chance to attract like-minded people to myself. It's looking really positive and it just proves what I believe: positive attitudes attract positive life events.



What this experience is teaching me is that I can ask for help and the right people will appear in my life to get the ball rolling and to make things happen. This is very encouraging. No matter what happens, I reckon I am going to be great. The Universe had already begun to change the landscape of my life. I noted this with the changes I have felt deep below the surface of my life: fundamental changes, karmic changes, the movement of the cogs and wheels - very mechanisms of my life - have begun to take place. What was a barely perceptable shift has now begun to feel like a huge forward push.

I know with every fibre of my being that I am going to come through with greater strength and insight than I have had before. I know that regardless of what happens at this time, I will remain strong, brave and resourceful. I am so not going to let the devils win. They don't deserve the slice of me that they keep trying to take.

Two years ago I would have allowed myself to be swallowed by the Vortex of Darkness aka depression. Not this time. The adage goes that if you do the things you have always done, you'll get what you always got. So now I am doing things differently. I am remaining positive and exploring every opportunity that is placed before me.

Life is too short for bullshit.

Above the Clouds, We Are All Buddhas...

My buddhist friend, Simon in Nottingham, very eloquently passed my own advice back to me the other day. Nothing like hearing your own words of wisdom, eh?

I once said to him, during a dark patch he was in, that he should remember that above the clouds, the sun still shines. Above the clouds, we are all Buddhas. And that's precisely what I needed to hear. (There is wisdom in this old girl somewhere, evidently!)

I have been pounding the pavement the past two days. I visited the Job Centre yesterday and today it was the turn of a couple of employment agencies.

In classic Buddhist fashion, I am cheerful, calm and filled with an immeasurable joy, which to most people would seem terribly out of place given the circumstances. It's by far easier to get caught in the negative downward spiral, but not particularly helpful. So I maintain my practice and it's working.

What a year so far! This has to be some truly remarkable journey that I am on. And I am so grateful that I have this opportunity right now. The way I see it is that the worst thing I could have imagined happening to me, already has. Seven years ago. Anything else by comparison is a piece of cake. Even losing my Dad and then being made redundant two months later. Anger and resentment impede the Universe from doing its work and a complete waste of energy.

There are some great advantages of being unemployed right now. My boss (who, by the way, has been excellent) has told me that instead of working my notice that I should take this time to look for a new job. I have spent my time so far doing just that.

I applied for a job that seemed to have me written all over it. Working as a trainer helping unemployed people get back into work. Snag is that it's for Bedford, the plus is that it's mostly work from home. I have crossed fingers, toes and eyes.

I have been given the tremendous gift of time, thanks to Boss Man's generosity and kindness. I have time to write my advanced creative writing course, time to search for freelance work. Time to write my novel and time to search for some kind of day job that will keep our kitties in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

Kate thinks I am dealing with this surprisingly well. I have experience in dealing with this, that's for sure. Perhaps I should pitch an article to some or other publication about what to do if you're made redundant? Why not cash in on that experience and have it pay?

It Never Pains It Roars...

I feel like a bit of a failure at life today.

I was made redundant this morning. I am not terribly surprised considering things at work have been really quiet, but still, it is a bit of a shock.

When my mom died 5 years ago, the dotcom industry took a nose dive and I was made redundant 4 months before she passed on. I had a feeling that this would happen again when my dad died. I was right.

Perhaps I spent too much time blogging? Ha ha. I had the time to blog because I didn't have enough work to do. The company has been feeling the pinch for a while and last one in is always the first one out. Who knows? Maybe they thought I was just crap and couldn't wait for an excuse to get rid of me?

Our internet connection at home is not behaving, so I am in the library writin this out. I have one word for all this: ARSE.

Just need to re-organise my lifeforce and get out there, hey?

One Week Challenge - commencing 1 April, concluding 8 April

You choose what I get to challenge myself with for the coming week.

Do I:

a) Give up blogging in any way shape and form
b) Do yoga every day
c) Play guitar for 15 minutes every day
d) Get up 15 minutes early each morning
e) Draw or Paint every day

Please select one of the above and leave your choice in the comment box

Random Friday Stuff

Stepping on my nerves...

One of my colleagues has invested in a pedometer. It's a little machine that you clip to your belt that counts how many steps you take a day. Because, somehow, this is supposed to help you to lose weight. I have no problem with people clipping stuff to their belts and as far as I am concerned, if it makes you feel better to count the steps you take in a day - go for it. Thing is, not only is the machine counting her steps, she is too. Out loud. She takes six big strides across the office, "1...2...3...4...5....6..." and then checks the podometer to see if it had recorded the six steps she has just counted. I am finding this annoying because this is what I have had to endure since this morning. She's a lovely lady and I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to count in her head. So much for calm Buddhist acceptance, eh?

Zak the Cat

I would like to take this random opportunity to point out that Zak (in a box, left) looks uncannily like a Grey (right, looking spooky). Zak, I think, is an alien.

I don't know why, but to me, he just looks like has come to us from outer space. Such a sweetie, though. He has taken over Noodle's job of waking me up in the morning by nuzzling my neck with his cold nose, or patting my face with his cold paws. But I must say, it is disconcerting feeling this cold thing touch you and then to wake up to see, what to blurry, un-spectacled eyes, looks like a Grey.

Other Random Stuff and One Week Challenge

Busy weekend. Off to view a conference centre in Hinckley tomorrow and Sunday is my tidying the house day and my writing day. And there's a lot of both to do. Tonight I plan on chilling out and eating a cheese sandwich.

What I have learned from my One Week Challenge:

1. My body seems to prefer soya products to dairy. I did miss my protein, though. I also learned that my usual diet doesn't contain that much fruit and veg... time to step that up.

2. My body loves it's little daily exertions. This one is definitely carrying over to next week.

3. No new lessons from no TV.

Amazing How Fast It's Gone...

Is it just me or has the start of the year vanished rather quickly? Only 3 days of March left. What's more, is that the past 8 weeks have disappeared so rapidly. This year has barely begun and I am writing an article for a magazine, taught a creative writing course, started a novel and have begun re-writes on several short stories to send out. I've been to South Africa and back, challenged myself to living without TV, animal products and have begun to exercise more regularly. I've also had to replace a washing machine and get the heating fixed because like sily noodles, Kate and I had let the oil run out. I am amazed that it's been so easy and it's moved so fast. And it feels like I have lived a year in the space of just about three months!

Well, the Nichiren Buddhists are calling 2007 the year for Advancement and Victory, aren't they? Bring it on - I am ready!

I have been successful in securing an advanced workshop, which is due to begin on 25 April 2007. After that, the creative writing course will be a 12 week course to incorporate the basic and advanced. Teaching this has been a remarkable journey for me. I've learned so much from my students and it has inspired me to write more. Their bravery and enthusiasm has been a catalyst for me. I am so grateful I have had this opportunity.

Health and Wellbeing

I don't weigh myself often these days. I reckon that once a month or once every six weeks should do it. I hate getting on the scale. This morning, out of curiosity, I climbed onto the scale. I weigh 98kgs. That means, ladies and gentlemen, that I have lost 2 kgs. I am chuffed, but not fussed. Why? Because it's more important to me to have health than it is to be thin. If being thin is a side effect of me being healthy, great. I am done with diets and trying to turn myself into something I am not. I suppose that losing weight is a guaranteed side effect of making healthier food choices and getting more exercise and I shouldn't simply dismiss it. Weight loss isn't my goal - getting fit and healthy and showing my body respect, is.

This Week's Challenge Update:

1. No TV - I've done fairly well, though I did watch CSI New York and CSI Vegas. Still, it is a major improvement on the time I used to spend in front of the telly.

2. Vegan - I have definitely eaten a great deal more fruit and veg and I feel better for not having had dairy products. Will I do this forever? Hell no. I fancy a nice cheese sandwich right now.

3. Walking/Yoga each day - Did no walking or yoga yesterday. Mostly been using 20 minutes of my lunch hour each day to go out for a walk, but not yesterday. This is something to keep up with, especially that now the days are getting longer.