INSOMNIA

I think I may have found the cause of my insomnia.

I have so many ideas sloshing about in my brain - short stories, novel, comic strips, paintings, drawings, business ideas - that I can't switch off when I go to bed. I just lie there and my mind goes off in a hundred different directions. It's a bit like trying to calm a toddler in the middle of a sugar rush every night. No wonder I am exhausted.

Having found the cause, I have come up with a solution:

Do the stuff I have been thinking about. If I get the stuff out of my head - put the words on paper, the paintings on canvas and the business ideas into action - they will leave me alone and I can finally get a full night's sleep.

I even wake up hourly from 3am onwards thinking about this creative stuff.

OBITUARY

Igor "Corky" Corkini passed away peacefully in his sleep last night, aged 2 and a half. The Incredible Escaping Hamster, as he was known professionally, was a direct descendant of Hammy Houdini and had worked hard to continue the tradition of escape art.

His life was filled with death defying escapes from his cage and he kept himself in good shape on his wheel - even while his eyesight began to fail him. Ever the adventurer, he spent much of his life tormenting cats in his hamster ball. Such bravery has never before been witnessed in hamsters!

Corky leaves four cats and two humans. He will be missed.

The Moon Over Kyoto

I spoke to my friend Julie last night and she mentioned a growing sense of complacency with a number of SGI members. Julie is also a Buddhist. We discussed this for a little while and I told her that I was perplexed because I had started this year with so much strength and resolve. I too, have felt this complacency within myself. This "stuckness" and stagnation in virtually every corner of my life.

"Well," she said, "This is the sticky bit in the middle and once we get through this it will get easier. Now is the time to make a bigger effort and get out there. Just make a determination to do it."

Time to make a bigger effort.

It's so easy to stay in the sticky bit spinning my wheels. It's not going to get me out of the mud, is it? It's just going to frustrate me more. And as I said yesterday, if I want a different result, I've got to do something differently. That means getting out of the car and finding another way out of the mud.

Nichiren Daishonen says: "… the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto takes twelve days. If you travel for eleven but stop with only one day remaining, how can you admire the moon over the capital?"

For me, being complacent meant I went from seeing myself as a winner to seeing myself as a loser.

As a winner I was resourceful and creative and active. As a loser, I lost my way and forgot the reasons behind some of the goals I set myself. I forgot who I was, the strengths I have and the faith that has carried me so far.

When I live my life through fear, my world becomes smaller and I give my power away. When I live my life from a place of love, respect and faith, there is nothing I cannot do and I am powerful.

When I am powerful, I love unconditionally. I know myself. I respect myself and others. I follow through on the actions I have said I would take. I honour myself. I honour my life, my purpose, my gifts. I honour my family, my partner, my friends, my employer.

When I give my power away, I invite people to take advantage of me. I allow myself to be used, ridiculed, hurt.

Today I determine to connect with my power, to cast off the transient to reveal the true and to become my true potential.

Some Thoughts on Karma and The Four Agreements

Karma isn't something that happens to us, it is something we create through our actions. Karma is a universal law. It's a bit more involved than the simply put "Do good things and good things happen" philosophy of My Name Is Earl. But it's on the right track.

Most people just think of Karma as the stuff we did in a previous lifetime having an effect on our lives today. It doesn't have to be. We change every day, our actions form our lives through each moment. If I am someone who seeks a violent solution to my problems, I create a violent retaliation from the people around me. I would also associate myself with people who believed that violence was a solution and they too would seek out violence. Eventually, violence will come back to me.

Is Karma punishing me? Not at all. Karma is a very powerful teacher. It shows us that negative actions produce negative results and that if we want to change our results, we need to do things differently. There is no bearded man with a thunderbolt waiting to zap me with bad karma for my next four lives. I create my own reality, therefore my own Karma. If I create my own reality, then I am responsible for whatever situations I find myself in.

I have recently realised that my predominant life state is that of hunger. That means that occasionally, I have fits of jealousy and a desire to control. This state of being is not making me happy and is profoundly negative. I have created this negative Karma by reacting to similar situations in exactly the same way. Now, I feel it's time to change that Karma.

How?

1. Doing things differently. It stands to reason that if I want to create a different outcome, my actions need to be different.

2. Chant: nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nichiren Daishonin has said that by chanting Daimoku, we can transform even fixed Karma.

I don't have to go back and try to 'fix' the Karma of all my previous lives. What's important in Nichiren Buddhism is the present, because what I create today will create my future. Being aware of Karmic tendencies is very valuable. They are very honest teachers that don't pull any punches. And I am the kind of person who likes directness.

And recently, I have been reminded by The Healing Room of the Four Agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I Want My Slice of the Cosmic Cake...

I have learned that standing under the sky and shouting to the Universe "I want my enlightenment NOW, dammit!" is about as effective as firing a pea-shooter at a Yeti and expecting it to fall down dead. But still, I do it. It's like when your mother tells you not to touch "that thing on the stove", but you touch it anyway. And then you burn. Or, maybe nothing happens. Here are a few examples of what I've yelled at the Universe and my Gohonzon:

* I want my financial karma to be changed NOW, dammit!
* I want my relationship to be happy NOW, dammit!
* I want Lucifer returned home safe and sound. NOW, dammit!
* Make me perfect - NOW, dammit! NOW!

So, really, I shouldn't be surprised that nothing happens (now, dammit, now) at all. It takes time. Change is a process and I am an impatient little insect swirling about in the great big Cosmic sea.

An Allegorical Tale of Dancing and the Art of Love

At almost every wedding throughout the world you will get one old guy getting up on the dancefloor to show the world that he can still groove. He thinks he is still king of the disco and he's loving it, getting down to boogie to the tune of Will Smith, or some other contemporary tune that does not fit the style of dance he's doing. If what he's doing resembles dance in any way, shape or form, which it often doesn't. Usually it looks like the old guy is doing the Funky Chicken, when he is thinking he's doing the Hustle. But that's ok, because the old guy thinks he's cool. I say old guy, but it could be an old gal too. Often a great Aunt who would wear orange to a funeral and spit on the coffin; or an old guy who has supped too long on the free champagne. Whatever.

When it comes to love, I am like the old guy on the dance floor.

I think I can still bust a move, when really, all I am doing is showing everyone who's watching what an idiot I am. I think I am cool, that I own the dancefloor. Look at me do the cha-cha! And I didn't even have to drink to look this stupid.

You have to admire the old guys and old gals, though. In spite of their lack of grace and their arthritic interpretations of Kylie's "Locomotion", they are still out there, on the dancefloor, doing it. They're either oblivious or they just don't care. I suppose that probably has something to do with the amount of alcohol consumed. They will insist on doing the mambo when Mambo Number Five comes on. They will even attempt the Macarena. Or the conga. Just don't drag them off the dancefloor because it would be like pulling the legs off a new born kitten.

Me? I am the relationship 'spaz'. Admittedly, I am also the sort who would wear orange to the funeral, spitting optional. I have no rhythm, I am out of step and I embarrass everyone who's watching. Still, I don't want the music to stop, because no matter how rubbish I am, I like to dance.

Sometimes I think it may be in the best interest of all concerned for me to just not get up on the dancefloor anymore and reserve any dancing to the shuffle I do while alone in the house. That perhaps I am better off dancing on my own, rather than out there stepping on someone else's toes. Maybe I've got it all wrong.

Don Miguel Ruiz says in Mastery of Love: "What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous. If you are selfish, you are always going to be alone, and there is no one to blame but you. Your generosity will open all the doors, not your selfishness. Selfishness comes from poverty in the heart, from the belief that love is not abundant. We become selfish when we believe that maybe tomorrow we won’t have any [love]. But when we know that our heart is a magical kitchen, we are always generous, and our love is completely unconditional. "

I could do with a magical love kitchen. And with not feeling like such a huge loser.

Saturday's guidance from Daisaku Ikeda is: "You must be strong. There is no hope of winning in this chaotic world if you are weak. No matter what others do or say, it is important to develop your ability and then put that ability to use. Strong faith, of course, is the best means for drawing out one's inner strength. You each have a very important mission, and I hope you will awaken to and be proud of that mission."

Nichiren Buddhism also puts forward that the people in our lives, particularly those we are involved with in some kind of relationship, are mirrors. The only way to change one's circumstances is to change oneself.

But you know what? Right now, I still feel like rubbish.

I have finally updated Tastes Like Llama! There's a new piece on there so please go round and have a read: enjoy! enjoy!

Plusses and Minusses (I hope I spelled that correctly)

Have you noticed how your day seems to constitute a series of plusses and minusses (again, hope the spelling is correct)? Something positive happens, then something not so positive and they cancel each other out.

Here are my examples:

1. Mischa brought in a live mouse last night and it got away from her (minus). In our bedroom (minus). But this morning she has set up watch in the room (a plus, but only if she catches the mouse). Please note the picture of a field mouse in a field, not in the main boudoir of La Casa Della Lesbica! Total: -2

2. Upon opening the kitchen cupboards, I discover a Brita Water Filter, which I had forgotten I had bought, but which I fretted I may not be able to buy this month. (Plus!) Total: +1

3. I get on the scale this morning, fearing the worst, only to discover that my weight has not moved since my last weigh in all hope is not lost. (plus!) Total: +1

Now we are right back where we started with a neutral score of zero and things are neither plus nor minus.

Observe the next example:

4. I have Aqua fit class tonight and I don't want to go because it's cold and I'm tired (minus), but I know that after the class I am going to feel great and energised. (plus) Total: 0

The point of this mundane exercise?

I have demonstrated that you win some and you lose some and sometimes you do both at the same time. And that I think way to much about weird random shit.

Here's a meme I picked up from Chris. I am not tagging anyone, but feel free to do the meme if you so wish...


I know ~ that love is the absolute truth.
I believe ~ that everything happens for a reason - there is no random
I fought ~ myself until I realised I was my greatest ally
I am angered ~ by intolerance and discrimination
I love ~ Kate, our cats, my family, my friends and Corky the hamster
I need ~ the occasional bunch of flowers or box of chocolates
I take ~ a lot of crap without fighting back
I hear ~ that Robbie Williams is cued to play Frank N Furter in a Rocky Horror remake
I drink ~ water, mostly.
I hate ~ dentists
I use ~ food as a source of comfort
I want ~ to be seven again
I decided ~ to reveal my true potential
I like ~ the beach at sunset
I am ~ weird, in a friendly way
I feel ~ fundamentally happy 99% of the time
I left ~ South Africa in 1998
I do ~ a lot of housework
I hope ~ I am a good friend
I dream ~ very bizarre dreams - sometimes in cartoons
I drive ~ a white Nissan Micra that will one day need replacing
I listen ~ to my soul
I type ~ 65 words a minute
I think ~ way too much
I wish ~ that one day Kate and I win the lottery and can open our cat sanctuary
I compensate ~ for my insecurities by making self-deprecating jokes
I regret ~ not standing up to my mother about my career choice
I care ~ deeply
I should ~ stop procrastinating
I am not always ~ focussed
I said ~ too much
I wonder ~ if anyone cares about what I've written
I changed ~ my whole life by changing my attitude
I cry ~ at the sad bits in movies
I am not ~ a victim
I lose ~ my way sometimes
I leave ~ things till the last minute

In Just Seven Days, I Can Make you a Man....

It appears that now men are being encouraged to hate themselves as much as women do. The cosmetics and cosmetic surgery industry have cleverly realised that in order to boost their profits, they need to target the metrosexual.

Recently I watched an ad in which a man (nothing wrong with him) eyes up a woman. The voice-over proclaimed that to himself, the man thought he looked sophisticated, but to the woman, he looked tired.

See how subtle that is? The message is: you are not going to get a woman, mate - especially one who looks that hot - unless you use moisturiser for men.

I don't think there's anything wrong with moisturiser in general, but I do have an issue with how people are made to feel ugly by beauty companies and beauty magazines.

Essentially, beauty magazines are nothing more than marketing tools. They portray the way someone else wants us to dress. Why? So that we'll buy their clothes. They show us the way we should care for our skin and hair. Why? So we'll buy their products.

The advertising industry knows that the best way to get someone to part with their money is to offer them a solution to something that the consumer feels bad about. Not feeding their kids healthy food. Feeling awkward in social situations.

I have noticed that many of the ads on TV are not selling a product, but a solution or an emotion. Or an attitude.

We need to unhook our brains from the whole noisy din of advertising if we want to feel better about ourselves and start making choices that are not based on something we've been brainwashed to 'need.'

And yes, I did say brainwashed. It's time to unplug.

Random....

First of all, I am touched that Teri dedicated an article to me on her blog. It's an honour. Thanks Teri, your wisdom and insight have again worked their magic.

Kate had her eye operation yesterday, hence the radio silence. It all went really well and she's feeling fine. Apart from the semi-black eye she has, she displays no signs of having been in hospital at all. I was surprised that there were no bandages and that the cut they made above her eyelid resembled nothing more than a cat scratch. And they let me take her home last night as well, which made both of us happy.

Despite nine or more hours' sleep I feel drained. I have battled insomnia (and lost) over the past two weeks and slept soundly last night all the way through, only to be plagued by dreams in which either someone was angry with me or I was angry with someone else. One dream featured snails spraypainted gold and miniature hippos the size of small kittens. Most bizarre.

Not even my usual super charged coffee has managed to drag my backside up from tiredness.

I feel exhausted and ragged around the edges, but surprisingly, I am not grumpy. I could do with a soak in the bath (bubbles optional) and possibly a really lovely glass of wine, but that would be breaking my 'no alcohol' rule.

The Soweto Riots took place today, 30 years ago. It's unimaginable now, to think that this incident happened so recently and that it was most likely the event that kickstarted the changes in South Africa. It would have been incredibly sad if 30 years on, South Africa had not moved forward and Apartheid still existed.In fact, South Africa is so far past Apartheid (which only really ended about 15 years ago) that it is open to any minority group being given the rights it deserves. This was clearly shown when same sex marriage was made legal (MARRIAGE! Not civil partnerships!). So, the country has moved from being extremely narrow minded to extremely enlightened in a few very short years. To make up for years of discrimination, you think?

Enough philosophy. Head hurts. Tired. Later….

MOON BASICS

I have been encouraged to blog about the moon's influence on our lives, so here it is.

I am really into becoming more in rhythm with nature and one of the things that has helped me to do this is paying attention to the moon phases and working with them.

The basics are:

~ Everything that you want to draw towards yourself, nourish yourself with, that would add to your life, will be more powerful and successful over the waxing and the full moon. (Waxing is the moon growing towards full moon.) For example, it's a great time to use moisturisers and body lotion to feed the skin. Medicines are more potent. The downside is that your body will be more prone to weight gain over this time, so possibly best to steer away from the fatty foods and the junk over this period. Also good for planting.

~ Everything you want to release or get rid of will be more favourable for you if you do this over the waning or new moon. If you are wanting to rid yourself of a habit such as smoking, new moon is THE best time to do it. It's a great time for detoxing because anything that needs illiminated would be more easily removed from your system. Excellent time for clearing our cupboards and decluttering and the plus side is that you could actually get away with eating almost anything as we tend not to put on so much weight over this period. The waning moon is also preferred for surgery as patients tend to bleed less over this time. Also good for weeding.

This is just the basic stuff, as I have said before. It starts getting a little more involved once you start taking into account the sign of the zodiac that the moon passes through each day. The moon moves through these signs over a few days and these work with the moon to influence certain areas of the body as well as the atmosphere of the day.

The rhythm of the moon can also be harnessed to benefit creativity and artistic work. If you want me to blog about how, please leave a comment and I'll sort something out.

So there you have it. Moon Basics.

If Life Throws You Nettles, Make Shampoo.

This is a perfect case of life reflecting back to me the lesson I need to learn.

I have been out in the garden this evening, clearing some weeds. We have a beautiful peony that produces gorgeous red flowers. It happened to arrive there by accident. It was there the first year we moved in and then, last year, it appeared and bore one great big bright red bloom. This year there have been seven.

The peony has grown amongst the rocks at the bottom of the garden, and I had allowed the stinging nettles to overgrow and they blocked the peony from view. This evening, my task was to clear the nettles.

Now you can look down the garden and see this fantastically gorgeous peony. With seven blooms.

So, taking it from life and throwing it into the esoteric, the peony represents us, you know, people. The beauty we have that crops out at the most unusual of locations. One year we discover one bloom, then the next, there are seven. But, we so often hide our true selves behind masks, behind games, behind pain and while those blooms can be glimpsed, we cannot appreciate their full glory. Until someone comes along - or you do this for yourself - to harvest all the nettles and reveal how beautiful you truly are.

(Buddhists call this casting off the transient to reveal the true)

And what of the nettles? Well, today the moon is in Libra, a brilliant day to harvest nettles. When the moon is right for it, my stinging nettles are going to be boiled into a hair rinse to help control itchy flaky scalp.

And that's what we should do. We should take our nettles and use them for the greater good. Hating them won't do very much, but boiling them into a soup to use for scalp problems will!

Use your trials and tribulations to bring you strength and to heal yourself, not to live in anger and hatred. What's more productive? The nettle in the bin or the nettle I have boiled to use in a cleansing tea? You choose.

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep, So I Got Thinking About Beds...

(Edit: This post sounded so much better as I wrote it in my head while insomnia walked through my head.)

Ever notice how signficant the role of the bed is in a relationship? And no, I am not stating the obvious (get your dirty little minds out of the gutter), although that does come into it, but just a little.

Our bed is a standard double size wooden futon type thing. PurpleSimon will know what I mean. It came flatpacked and Kate assembled it herself.

What has always filled me with awe, is how this standard double bed can magically change its size in accordance with relationship circumstances and random cosmic events that no one can explain.

Here's an example: the bed stretches to king sized when we have gone to bed without clearing up a disagreement, as we each huddle in our respective corners. Or, the bed shrinks when Kate has gone to bed first and has transformed herself into a sprawling, unmovable mass. On those nights, the bed becomes only big enough for an arm and a leg, with just two square inches of duvet for cover.

And then there is the time when she is away and her side of the bed becomes a chasm the size of Siberia. Sometimes, her scent still lingers on the covers and the emptiness seems even more vast.

Her side of the bed. My side of the bed.

My side has always been the right side of the bed. With anyone I have shared a bed with. It is most strange. It seems taboo to cross the invisible divide to sleep on your partner's side of the bed when she's not there. It doesn't feel right, somehow. Could it be because it's not just her scent that remains when she has left, but an imprint of her energy, and stepping into that would be a violation?

It is only when we are holding each other in our bed on the first night Kate comes back from London, that we both feel she has truly come home. It is where our time starts each day. We have had long, lazy weekends where we've propped ourselves up on pillows to read and listen to music. We have passionate embraces and tender hugs on that bed. We laugh and cry there. Mostly laugh.

It has been the scene of a hissy argument and a sanctuary for each of us while we nursed illness.
When Mischa first arrived from Cats Protection, she lived most of her days under our bed. In fact, our bed has held up to four cats at a time, each sleeping on a mound of duvet or caught in a shaft of sun. Usually it's just one. Usually Noodle. But at weekends, we are joined by Noodle and The Two Headed Cat.

When you look at our room there isn't much there. The bed, chest of drawers, night stand, pile of books on my side. Photos of Kate and I as a couple on the walls. A photo of her semi naked on the wall. Yet, we have woven the fabric of our relationship here. We have lived so much within those four walls. We've grown and hurt and filled it with love.

No one actually tells you that the whole biological clock ticking thing is a physical experience.

Consider the biology of a woman: she is swimming in a variable cocktail of hormones, which influence not only her body, but her emotions. This is witnessed in the popular phenomena known as PMS and pregnancy.

Now I find myself immersed in the chemical soup known as Broodiness or Oh-My-God-I-Am-Never-Going-To-Have-a-Baby. Don't laugh - this is isn't funny and it certainly isn't comfortable. I see ads for baby products on TV and I burst into tears. I see people with children and I wonder what mine would look like. I have even been dreaming of babies and being pregnant. A lot. (And before you give me the analysis, yes I know that dreaming of being pregnant or having a baby symbolises new projects and creativity... I just don't think that applies to this spate of baby dreams because of this hormonal nightmare that has soaked my brain).

I remind myself that this is my body's language. This is how it reminds me that I am now in my 30s and I must reproduce, dammit! And that I must do it quick because it's all down hill for the egg supply after 35. And that's 2 years away.

Don't worry, I am not going to be hot-footing it to the nearest IVF clinic nor will I be trying to solicit sperm from my male friends. I am coming to terms with the fact that there will be no children in my future. This, I would imagine, is the emotional equivelent to the menopausal hot flush. It's completely normal and easily explained, but a little worrisome and uncomfortable.

This too shall pass.