Sunday, April 15, 2007


The bottom fell out today.

I had a rough night and a sleep that pulled me from one disturbing dream to the next and when I woke up this morning I couldn't find the happiness switch on my life. Arse.

Little Zak looks like he has conjunctivitis again and his bottom lip looks all swollen. Poor miserable little poppet. I will be running him to the vet tomorrow and to sweeten the blow I bought a couple of cans of tuna. It's awful when one of the cats gets ill and I really feel for him. Bless his little velvet paws.

I have my physio appointment at 8:30am tomorrow. I get to enjoy the wonders of acupuncture - woo! I have never felt happier about needles before. Today, the shoulder is agony and I had a moment where I felt it would be wonderful if I could just cut it off and get a new one.

Enthusiasm and the joy thing have drained away from me and I found myself alone on the couch with a cup of coffee, sobbing like a three year old. It was bound to happen at some point, though. Best to get the crap out of the way so that a path is cleared for the good stuff.

Here's the horoscope for Gemini this coming week:

There is a New Moon in Aries in your social zone on Tuesday, TANYA, which allows you to make a fresh start in this area. If you have been pining to join any particular clubs or groups or have felt the urge to take part in any networking events, then this is a great time to do so. You have two weeks to get going and will also be able to tap into the power of the waxing Moon herself. See it like planting seeds, in that as you sow, so shall you reap. On Thursday, Saturn will turn direct, and this is going to help you make greater progress in the area of communications. You may have been through a period of soul-searching, and the discoveries you have made about the way you mind works will now begin to pay off. You will notice yourself making greater progress. The Sun trines Pluto on Thursday, which may coincide with a powerful meeting that will bring about changes in your life in one way or another. Someone will change the way you feel about yourself. Mercury is also helping you to socialize and start up some creative conversations. But on Saturday, you may find yourself suffering from a sense of emotional paralysis concerning whether to get to know someone better or not.

Period of soul-searching is about accurate.

I feel quite alone and adrift. I am not sure what my next step should be, but I know that stepping down from the challenges is not an option. I have to see myself as strong and capable, even if I don't feel like that right at this moment. I will not accept defeat. Yeah, I may feel like shit right now, but I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I can turn this around and experience my joy again.

All of these things are only temporary - except for my Dad. I think my Dad's death is pretty much a permanent thing, despite dreaming that he is alive and well again as I have done each night the past week.

And that's the shit thing. I dream that he is alive, that his illness has been cured. He has come up to me in the middle of Stamford High Street in one of my dreams, with a massive smile on his face, wearing his suit (Dad never went out without a jacket and tie). He gave me a massive hug and looked so very happy to see me and when I woke up, I remembered he was dead and that I won't ever bump into him again anywhere. And that sucks.

All of the other shit pales in comparison to the loss of my father. I feel I let him down in some way by not being there in South Africa for him.

Still, I must remember that the Lotus flower grows in mud. If something as beautiful as a lotus flower can come out of mud, then something beautiful can come out of the shit of my life.


  1. Hooray for acceptance and surrender!


  2. As long as the sun sets and rises, you are not alone. I am here - I have always been here. I will always be here.

  3. I completely understand the way you feel about your dad, because it's what I went/still am going through. Five years later, I still feel the guilt.

    What can I say to you that will make you feel even a little bit better? The feeling of guilt eases with time. But sometimes it comes back with a vengeance, so be prepared for those moments.

    I guess it's all about forgiving yourself. I haven't been able to do it yet -- it might never happen for me, but I do hope you will get there.

    I feel so bad for you for all the shit happening in your life right now. Just think of the lotus... it's a good image to visualize.