JOY
Today is the first time in five months that I have felt joy again. It was a bit of a surprise, actually.
I caught myself smiling while I was working this morning and realised that no matter what I choose or how I decide to live my life, it's all going to be okay.
This is a relief because I have spent more than a month in the most excrutiating emotional agony, which I have not really wanted to share. I feel like my life has been a living out of the tarot card, Ten of Swords.
This is what the web says about the card: The Ten of Swords portends a difficult experience of loss or release, but a new awareness and a positive sense of relief that the difficulty is finally finished will eventually follow the pain of this experience. Though this card may seem negative at first glance, it is a card of hope and an indication that our troubles will not be permanent.
The Ten of Swords appears to be a card of terrible misfortune, but, surprisingly, it often represents troubles that are more melodramatic than real. The man on this card has quite a few swords in his back.... When one disaster follows another, we feel devastated at first, but eventually we throw up our hands up and laugh. It's so bad, it's funny! In films, the hero says, "What else could possibly go wrong?" and we know a bucket of water is about to fall on his head. When you see the Ten of Swords, know that the last bucket has fallen, and you can expect a turn for the better.
Well, things are turning. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon and cried so hard I couldn't chant. I have felt a visceral pain well up from inside me and I have cried like a child, loudly, howling. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon with anger inside me that felt like I had been pierced through by ten hot knives.
I am not saying that I am not going to ever feel those things again, but it seems as though the pain has ebbed and now there is clarity.
Through this journey I have come to stand in the centre of my life. I am so grateful to all those things and circumstances that engineered this. I am so happy that I have had all of this to deal with because ultimately I am going to be standing strong and victorious.
And that's what this year is all about, isn't it? The year of advancement and victory.
I'm so so glad that joy crept up on you - long may it stay with you, frequent may its visits be...
ReplyDeleteLove you, lots. Wish I could be closer to hunt down fine lemon meringue pie to chat to you, and be there for you.
You've come so far on this journey, may the advancement and victory continue.
Yay, good on you, Tanya.
ReplyDeleteThey may sound like empty platitudes when you hear things like "Time heals everything" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", but the reason they get repeated time and time again is that they are undeniable truths. I used to cry at every leaf falling from a tree -- until my Dad died. I have wept... hmmm... maybe three times since 30 March 2002. Adversity and sorrow are a pain, make no mistake, but they do help us to see things more clearly in the long run, and to focus on the stuff that really matters.
I am pleased you are beginning to see the light again.
Your post reminded me of a quote from the book The Presence Process:
ReplyDelete"The only way out is through"
I applaud your courage to feel your feelings completely.