Truce!

Oy vey. So many comments on my last post. Sheesh. I wondered if I should actually say something about it all, but what the fuck, it's my blog so I'll say what I like.

Kate and I have declared a truce, and in fact, she warned me about the comment that she had made before I read it. I've left it up there because I am not a big fan of censorship. Thank you all for your comments and support. Including you, Kate.

I feel that the best way through this for myself is with strength and positivity, so I am not buying into the negative shit. It's what we Buddhists call Sansho Shima - the obstacles and devils that rise up to test you, particularly when you've made a decision that's right for your life. This negativity is a really good sign. It means I am on the right path.

I know that I am not the only one hurting here. I know that Kate is hurting too. It's not fun for either of us to be throwing four years of a life spent together away, and while healing will take time, I do think that we'll both be happier, stronger and certainly better people at the end of it. I am not excusing anything here. What I am saying is that there is a bigger picture and that Kate, too, is a Buddha.

The bigger picture is that while we are both caught up in the whole moving/house finding/cat rehoming thing, the waters will look murky to us and to those around us. When we talk about our situation to others, they will see the murk that we project, and that's ok. Whenever this gets me down, I remind myself that the beautiful lotus flower (hmm. maybe that will be my next tattoo?) grows in mud. I think of Kate, Bo and the cats as all having Buddha nature. While they may all infuriate me from time to time, or maybe even all the time, there is something deeper in all of us that exists: our true Buddha nature, hidden by a chemical cocktail, some water, electricity, blood, bone and flesh.

Both of us have a right to feel angry or sad or joyful and to tell the world about it. It doesn't detract from the fact that, in my book, that both of us have Buddhahood. Ultimately, I know that Kate and I will eventually lumber our way through this and with a little enlightenment from both our sides, we may even end up with the friendship that had underpinned the relationship that we shared. Without that friendship, I doubt we would have made it this far. Nor would we have been able to spend 25 minutes this afternoon discussing the fate of our children.

I am sure that you might think I am off my trolley and I've lost it completely. Of course I feel hurt and angry and upset. Of course I have told my friends that I have felt that way. I am sure Kate has done the same. As would you.

For both of us this has been a painful process in different ways. It is my aim to handle all of this with dignity and compassion because what I am aware of is that I am dealing with illusions. When the pain rises, I deal with it. When the anger rises, I vent it. Kate, I am sure, will tell you that she does the same. Those closest to us will have seen us at our worse this past week. and that too is okay.

The challenge for both of us is to come out the other side better, stronger and more in control of our lives and responsibilities. That's the way I see it. The point is to break through the illusion of the murky pond and to emerge as the beautiful lotus flowers we both are. We may not share the same pond, but we are still lotus flowers.