Alone.

I am tired of being alone.

I feel as though I have lost more than just my father. It feels like I have lost everything. And I know how silly that sounds because i have done so well with the workshop and getting my articles out there. I have grown so much spiritually and there's this wonderful shift occurring in the very core of my life, which is so very exciting.

Still, my sense of loss extends beyond the loss of my father. I feel that not only have I lost him, I have lost everything that I love in South Africa. That I have lost my sister, my friends, my nephew. In a sense, I feel too, that I am even losing myself.

This change that is running through my life is deep and profound and I have begun to get a glimpse of what it's doing. It's a slow motion version of The Tower, with my entire life being reshaped to fit this new person who is just below the surface, waiting to be born.

And one of the things that this change has stirred up in me is my sense of loss. And I realise that some of these feelings pre-date my father's death. Even my mother's. And I suppose it is natural to mourn the loss of a self I knew while still preparing for the new to emerge.

Old ideas and beliefs are collapsing, crumbling. I am questioning everything in my life. I ask whether this or that is worth the investment of energy that I am making. I used to go around thinking am I worthy of this or that? Am I worthy of this love? This job? This friendship? This opportunity? Now I ask is this worthy of me?

It's only now that I have begun to find the words that would fit they way I have been feeling these past two months. By no means does it stop here. It's not fast moving either. It's a slow, plodding shift. It's a pair of oxes tethered to a wheel going slowly in a circle as opposed to a bright catherine wheel that sparks and fizzes and then is gone so quickly.

And this shift does feel as though it's occurring in some strange kind of circular motion.

One thing is certain, though, I am happy to embrace these changes. I am happy to be active in them. And now, I am tired of being alone.