Thursday, October 05, 2006

Right. Telemarketer Amnesty is Now OVER.

I declared Telemarketer Amnesty some time ago because I thought it would help my karma. Fuck that for a bag of monkeys.

Even when I try to be nice, I still confuse them.

Them: "Is Ms K [Surname] there? I am phoning from Undisclosed Mobile Phone Company"

ME: "No. I'm her partner - could I help?"

Them: "Oh! This is a business number."

ME: "No. I am her wife."

Them: "Oh! Then is Mr K [Surname] there."

ME: "No. She isn't a man. She's a woman."

Them. "........."

So last night I went through the exchange above once more and the lady I spoke to then said:

Lady: "What is your name?"

Me: "I don't give my name to strangers, sorry."

Lady: "But I am from Undisclosed Mobile Phone Company."

Me: "Sorry, but no."

Lady: "Well, I just want to let Ms [Surname] know we will be sending her a new camera phone."

Me: "She doesn't use your service. She already has a phone. Thank you."

Lady: "Do you have a mobile phone, madam?"

Me: "Yes, I do. I don't need a new one, but thank you."

Lady: "How much do you spend on the phone a week?"

Me: "£5.00 a month."

Lady: (incredulous) "£5.00 a month? What contract are you on?"

Me: "Pay as you go. I am not interested in a contract or in a new mobile phone. Thank you."

Lady: "If you pay £32 a month on our contract you will get a free..."

Me: "I spend only £5.00 a month on top up. £32 is more than I pay now."

Lady: "But you'll get a free...."

Me: "I am not interested. Thank you."

And so the conversation continued for another few minutes until I eventually got arsey and told her that I don't want her fricken phone or contract and slammed the phone down.

Telephone preference is going to be sorted. TODAY.


  1. I had a similar exchange with Orange recently. They wanted to know what my landline bill was each month. I said I wouldn't tell them because I'm not interested in whatever they're selling.

    "I'm not selling anything," he replied. "So why so you want to know what I pay for my landline? Because you want to tell me your product is cheaper in the hope that I will change, but I'm not interested in changing."

    This went on for several minutes. Eventually I said, "I'm not being funny but you're wasting your time and mine." He hung up. Idiots.

    Your anti-amnesty is long overdue, my friend.

  2. I worked a couple of seasons at NOP market research. We phoned up people at the weekend, and asked them whether they liked yoghurt. Or whether they'd be interested in a film based on Nostradamus. I have to stress that we're not selling anything. We just want to suck out the information and use it to justify further flavours of Muller Corner.

    I sat in one of many identical pens. I fantasised about the hugely attractive-but-engaged girl that sat next to me. I was not well-received by most of the people I phoned...apart from lonely old people. If I didn't hit my targets I made peanuts. There were no windows in the office. The supervisor listened in on our calls randomly to check we didn't go off-script.

    On the plus side...I now have a fantastic phone manner not unlike a Radio 4 presenter. And I managed to get off with the fit girl.

    So it wasn't a complete waste.

  3. I must say that survey people are nicer than the sales people. Marginally.

  4. I used to be one of those people who patiently waited while each and every telemarketer who called me went through their speil and tried and tried to get off the phone. Usually each conversation went on for about 10 minutes before they finally took the hint. Now, there's none of that happening.

    I started with a new tactic last year:

    I politely refuse near the beginning of the conversation (no thank you, I'm not interested). If they continue, I politely but firmly say again that I'm not interested. If they continue, I don't give them a third chance or say another word. I simply hang up. If they can't take the hint after two no's then I no longer need to be polite.

    This backfired once when a telemarketer actually called me back after I hung up. When I answered she said "oh, something happened and it seems we were disconnected". I said yeah, I hung up on you cause you don't listen and then proceeded to hang up again. She didn't call back again. :)

  5. I'm hopeless at this. If they keep me on the phone long enough, I'll invite them over for dinner. * knows this and that is why he is the telephone-answering person out of the two of us.

  6. Telemarketers suck. I am on the no-call list here but they get by that by having recordings call me!