Existential Bum Fluff

So, not having much spare cash to my name and not having any extra source of income, I have done something which could be construed as silly. I am going to go back to South Africa for a visit in Feb/March 2007. I did consider January initially, but the prices are extortionate.

Right now, I am taking a "leap-and-the-net-will-appear" kind of attitude. Kate's agreed to help me out where she can and I get to eat beans on toast for the next few months while I scrape every spare penny I can find into this Visit South Africa Fund.

I am sure I have mentioned this, but my dad is dying. This has prompted an inordinate amount of panic in me about a great deal of things. And me, being me, I've let them all stew over the last... oooh.... seven months. Since my last visit to South Africa, in fact.

And this panic about not seeing my dad again and the finality of his disease has conjured up all kinds of devils in my own life. It's forced me to question what my purpose in life is. It's opened up the nasty can of worms labelled "What Are You Doing With Your Life, Tanya?", which had been quietly hissing and seething in the back cupboard since 1991. It's made me pick up each piece of my life and scrutinise it and question it.

I am a big believer in every day having value, but living that philosophy to its full has lately become a really difficult thing to do. I was inspired by recent Buddhist meetings to move my life forward and to embrace what each day brings me with a sense of joy.

But sometimes, on days like this, when the hope is just an echo in my heart, I wonder if all of this that I believe in is just bum fluff.