I toyed with the idea of starting a grief journal, like another friend had when she had lost someone close. This blog is for my personal ramblings and I am not forcing you to read it, so I am going to put up the grief posts as and when required and to hell with it.
I've not been able to sleep properly since we got back from SA. I slept fine in SA apart from the night before the funeral. Now not so much. I have dreams which are variations on a theme: I have to travel to SA for the funeral, I get the phone call, I am in SA and my dad dies and we have to move house, I go to SA thinking my dad has died only to find he is fine and well... I have woken up crying every morning since Sunday. I wake up at 3am, again somewhere around 5 and 6. Usually I don't go back to sleep if I wake again at 5, but just lay there.
My brain has turned to cheese. I can't think or concentrate. I worry how I am going to manage to present this workshop next week. I am supposed to re-write the workshop so that it fits into 8 weeks now, rather than 6 weeks. I have not even started.
Grief rant over. Thank you for hanging around to read.
It will take a while to accept the grief, process it and move on, make no mistake. Don't rush it, though. Mourn as long as you feel you need to (I don't think I did for my Dad, and I'm expecting it to hit me one of these days).
ReplyDeleteAs for your workshop, I have no doubt that you'll be able to put your professional face on and do a great job. So, don't worry about it and don't underestimate your skills, but don't feel bad about grieving either.
How is our sister coping?
My sister feels the same physical exhaustion and has said it's been harder since Kate and I came back to the UK. However, she did feel that it was a good thing that she has two VIP functions to cater for at work and I have my workshop to present.
ReplyDeleteOn one level she's relieved as she was his primary carer and on the other she misses him. We speak to each other on the phone every day. Her ex-husband has been remarkably supportive to her.
Your brain has turned to cheese??? Whatever you do, don't tell Mischa or she may decide to eat it :-P
ReplyDeleteThat would explain why she's been sniffing my head then.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you're feeling bad - but it sounds 'normal'. I think there's a bit of post traumatic stress there - even if you felt prepared for his death, it was still a shock. I know I re-lived 'that phonecall' about my cousin over and over again for weeks.
ReplyDeleteI also had many dreams about seeing him again and he was ok - wishful, hopeful fantasies I guess.
I think your course will go fine - you KNOW what you're doing - you could probably make stuff up as you go along! Maybe get something strong (non-herbal) to help you sleep for now - just to feel a bit stronger during the day?
And lastly I'm gonna tell you what you told me back then: give it time...
(((((( T ))))))
Thanks Dori. I need the reminder. It does take time and thank you for your suggestions.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it was being close to your sister that made it seem a bit easier to deal with while you were in SA. Now that you're apart and seperated from your family once again, it might be causing you to focus on it more. Sounds like she's going through the same thing. I'm glad that you have Kate to help you through this. And there's no denying that curling up with a nice furry cat or two often helps. When in doubt - snuggle.
ReplyDeleteAs Red and Dori said, it will take time. Everyone deals with loss in their own ways. Your body and your mind seem to be saying that they need time to deal with this. I'm hardly an expert in this area but I would let it out however you feel you need to. Crying, screaming, hitting something (preferrable a punching bag or pillow, not Kate or the cats!).
As far as the writing course you have coming up, I'm sure it will come. You're brilliant and resiliant!
Karen - Thank you. Your support is most welcome. I like the idea of curling up.
ReplyDeleteThat's funny about Mischa and your cheese head! Do your thing. Get on with your life. Like Red says, it may hit you more fully later, once you let down your guard, but that's natural. In the meantime, don't fight it, but know you also have things you need to do.
ReplyDeleteI'm fortunate in never having had to deal with this within my own blood family, so to speak, yet, so my comments are slightly detached and may be just bullshit. Sure, it's based on a mix of common sense and seeing other people go through this stuff (including Red with her dad, of whom I too was enormously fond). I was bad enough then; God only knows what I'll be like when my turn comes...
I think I might be rambling now.
T, You have had a lot to deal with in a very short time and have had many distractions to keep you from processing and feeling your loss.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself the time and space to mourn, to express your pain and, through grieving you will remember how to celebrate life.
Big Hugs & Loves Tx
ps. You will do fine with your workshop and it's definately not a bad idea to take something to help you sleep!
I agree with the taking something to help you sleep. Especially now. If you are opposed to sleeping pills, there are herbal remedies you can use. I was told to use one for my oldest who has sleep issues if the medication she is already on now doesn't start to help. I can't remember the name of what they told me to get though. I'm sure an herbal store could help though.
ReplyDeleteThings will get smoother as time passes. Take care.
*, Shade of Red and Kat: Thank you for your encouragement. I do think it would be useful to get help if I need help and to take things easy.
ReplyDelete