Tonight's The Night... And Some Lessons Learned

Tonight is Lesson One in Creative Writing For All, offered by Focus Adult Education and written and presented by me. It's an 8 week course with a bit of a difference and tonight we explore inspiration and story telling.

I am feeling neutral about it after sitting on the couch last night and having a little panic. I had allowed some negativity in which took the form of "I'm not good enough to teach this," and "Who wants to learn what I have to teach anyway?" So I pulled out my tutor assessment form from last year, which said I was an outstanding and knowledgable tutor. Aah. That's better. Still nervous, though. Who wants to learn what I have to teach anyway?

Lessons Learned

In no particular order:

1. New blogger doesn't allow me to post YouTube videos, but I was able to stick it up on Livejournal.

2. You don't necessarily stand to inherit anything after someone dies. Your family may, in fact, have to face the possibility of being made homeless.

3. The worse you feel, the more bullshit you see around you.

4. My karma has an "everything-happens-at-once" clause built into it.

5. Vodka, though it gives me a migraine, has begun to look appealing once more

6. Everything is temporary

A Little Clarification, but First...

In a recent entry, I wrote of my lustful dream of the lovely, though weird, Dita von Teese. Kate, the cheeky (von) Minx, has decided to exact her revenge. She has posted a picture of her gothic dream girl. What's a girl to do? Please swing around Kate's blog and check it out.

What's the Story with the Bullshit?

I've had several emails from friends who are concerned for my mental welfare. I assure you I am not insane (well, not any more insane than I already am) and that all is well. Life is too short for Bullshit happens to be my motto. And I have developed a rather lowered tolerance for bullshit in recent weeks.

Several things that have occurred since my return from SA have only served to fuel my feelings about this and have lowered my already miniscule tolerance even further.

Pray tell: What is this Bullshit of which you speak?

You really want to know? Ha! I am really disappointed in some people I thought I could trust.

The current atmosphere at work is funereal. Indeed. It's like someone died. (Someone has, but you know what I mean) In fact, you'd have more fun at an actual funeral. I've been to one recently and I DID have more fun.

What Else Constitutes Bullshit?

A few examples, but by no means a complete list:

* Fake friends
* Telemarketers
* Sour faced, middle aged women who grimace at your attempts to make them smile
* Job hanging in the balance
* People who aren't direct and beat around the bush
* Junk mail
* Advertising
* Catholic adoption agencies willing to cut off their noses to spite their face
* Ignorant twats

LIFE'S TOO SHORT FOR BULLSHIT.

Jesus is answering questions again.

If you have a question for Jesus, please email them to ask_thejman@yahoo.co.uk Jesus will respond to your email to let you know that your question has been answered.

Weird Dreams

Well, I am not suffering from Swiss Cheese Brain anymore. And if you are wondering why there's a picture of Dita von Teese on my blog today, the answer is simple: the only dream I had last night involved a very naked Dita von Teese BEGGING me to make love to her. Ha! (Sorry, Kate.) I have NO idea why I dreamt that. And the soon to be ex Mrs Marilyn Manson at that. But hey. It cheered me up. (Again, sorry, Kate.... if it's any consolation, the dream didn't go beyond the begging part. I kept telling her I was happily married, but she was determined to have her night with me. How sweet. Bizarrely this was all going on in the back rom of a beauty parlour where I worked as a tattooist and special effects make up person. Weird.)

I toyed with the idea of starting a grief journal, like another friend had when she had lost someone close. This blog is for my personal ramblings and I am not forcing you to read it, so I am going to put up the grief posts as and when required and to hell with it.

I've not been able to sleep properly since we got back from SA. I slept fine in SA apart from the night before the funeral. Now not so much. I have dreams which are variations on a theme: I have to travel to SA for the funeral, I get the phone call, I am in SA and my dad dies and we have to move house, I go to SA thinking my dad has died only to find he is fine and well... I have woken up crying every morning since Sunday. I wake up at 3am, again somewhere around 5 and 6. Usually I don't go back to sleep if I wake again at 5, but just lay there.

My brain has turned to cheese. I can't think or concentrate. I worry how I am going to manage to present this workshop next week. I am supposed to re-write the workshop so that it fits into 8 weeks now, rather than 6 weeks. I have not even started.

Grief rant over. Thank you for hanging around to read.

An Update of Sorts

What the hell. Two posts for this week. Why not? Have to make up for the silence while I was out in South Africa doing serious things.

A brief news item, to begin with: I have 16 students signed up to my creative writing workshop at the adult education college. Last year I had 7. This year's course is an 8 week course. Last year's was 6 weeks. Fucken-A! Course starts on 31 Jan. (Anyone interested in an online creative writing workshop? Do you think it's a good idea? Suggestions?)

Kate has also updated her blog, with a sweet picture of the two of us in the living room of the family home in South Africa. Go here to take a look and leave a comment.

Jesus is making a comeback. After spending some time wandering the desert trying to work out what he should do with his blog, he is ready to answer your questions and cook up a storm! I will be preparing some cartoons for him this weekend, so please keep checking Jesus's Blog for updates. If you have any questions for the J-Man, please email them to ask_thejman at yahoo dot com. He would also welcome your comments and suggestions.

Watch this space. Let's rock 2007 and shake those dreams down and get moving.

Back to Life... Back to Reality...

I am back in Blogland. Well, not that I really left. I was just quiet for a couple of weeks. I suppose an explanation is in order.

Kate and I arrived back in the UK on Saturday morning after a completely unplanned and last minute visit to Johannesburg, South Africa. My sister and ex-brother-in-law hastily arranged our flights and paid for our tickets and we were on a plane heading direct from London on 10 January.

Official records state the date of my father's death as 9 January 2007. He died close to or just after midnight on the 9th. My sister phoned me around 4:20am UK time after the paramedic had pronounced him dead. Initially I was told he had suffered a massive heart attack, but it appears he may have had a stroke.

Kate and I spent 8 days in South Africa. Attended the funeral. Saw friends and family. It was Kate's first time in SA. What a way to introduce her to the family, eh?

We've been back two days and I am exhausted. I didn't cry much during my stay in SA. But yesterday morning I woke up in tears. I did the same thing this morning. I was in a nice protected little bubble while iN SA and now that's burst and I have begun to feel my loss. I got through the worst bits without shedding a tear, and now, at home, the flood gates have opened and the emotion has poured out.

A lot happened while we were there. Not so much in physical time, but to us as a couple. I'll talk about that later.

My father looked peaceful. He doesn't suffer anymore. He doesn't struggle to breathe.

We mourn for ourselves, don't we? The world is certainly emptier without him.

Petrus Casparus O - 25 February 1940 - 8 January 2007. Goodbye Daddy.

I Have Taken a Decision About My Blogs

If you have been reading my blog, then you will be aware that I am considering what should happen to all my blogs. I have so many besides this one.

Here's a list:

Dangerdykes - The fictional lesbian sort-of superheroes

The Esotericon - Moon Madness and the Esoteric

Loving What I See - My ongoing endeavours towards a healthier me

Tastes Like Llama - My fiction, poetry and photographs

Confessions of a Closet Dominatrix - My dabble into erotica which didn't work out too well

and

What Would Jesus Do? - I blog for Jesus

That's six blogs. Yesterday I worked out that I can spend up to 2 hours blogging a day. This involves writing my blog, finding and resizing pictures for it, reading other blogs and leaving comments. It has escaped me that this is how much time I spend blogging because I mostly blog when I should be doing an honest day's work.

I have recently learned a great karmic lesson: if I don't place my attention on what I am doing, while I am doing it, I get into trouble. Three quarters of the shit that happens in my life can be avoided if I am more attentive. The other quarter involves acts of the universe, the unexpected and "Where the fuck did that come from?"

I have decided not to blog at work anymore. For a variety of reasons. But the focus and attention thing is one of them. This will mean I have less blog time. On the days when Kate is home, I spend my time enjoying her company so no blogging there. This means that blogging is narrowed to 4 times a week. But I plan to cut it down to once a week now.

It takes a lot of creative energy to maintain a blog, I am sure you will agree. I need to harness that creative energy now in order to begin to finally (FINALLY!! You hear that Universe? I am not fighting anymore!) stop ignoring my talents and actually start creating stories and art.

That doesn't mean I am disappearing entirely. I am removing the blogs that no one really reads (Esotericon and Confessions of a Closet Dominatrix) and will be updating at least once a week. I will, when I can, catch up with all of you and leave comments as always. Just not as often.

I may later decide to blog more than once week. Or open more blogs. Just not right now. I have loads of paintings to create and short stories to write and a finger to pull out of my arse (which is really lodged far up), which has been stuck up my butthole for too long.

I started out with Tastes Like Llama as a purely creative exercise and as a result, I resurrected the Dangerdykes, created a blog for Jesus and made some really good friends.

This is by no means a goodbye. I just need to bring the creative energy I spend on this blog to my creative projects.

Ci vediamo.

Even little Zak loves the catnip mouse.














And here is Tinkie behind the stereo with spooky eyes.















Mischa looking beautiful and moody - as every true Empress of the Universe should.

Tanya Reads The News - Again

I know. Normal service blah blah... What happened after I got to London blah blah... It's coming after the weekend, ladies. Relax.

Today, we will once again look at the news. And discuss. If you wish to, of course....


Christian Students in Legal Battle. Well. For those new to the blog, I am not Christian, although I blog for Jesus. It seems to me that people are taking things far too seriously in this country with all this politically correct bullshit. A Christian organisation that wants to have Christian members! OH THE HORROR!! Can't have that.

Now this is interesting. Scientists are fighting for the opportunity to create human/animal embryos to help with research into the use of stem cells. Stem cell use is controversial, although they are said to retard diseases such as Alzheimers and could assist quadraplegic and paraplegic patients. Sounds like The Island of Dr Moreau with a twist to me.

"You want £7.4 million for WHAT?" Civil servants are now, apparently, having consultants come in to teach them how best to use their desk space. To the supposed tune of £7.4 million. Guessing that the money would come out of the taxes we all pay (since this is for civil servants) I would object to such a blatantly ridiculous use of that money. Can you imagine the conversation at the meeting where this proposition may have been decided?

"Bob, we have £7.4m spare cash. What should we do with it?"

"Put it into the NHS, perhaps, improve health services?"

"Nah. Been done."

"I know - we can use the money to build homeless shelters or low cost housing!"

"They've got charities for that shit."

"Well... how about we use the money to hire in consultants to show government workers how to keep their desks tidy!"

"GENIUS!"

We Interrupt Today's Scheduled Events for a Venting of Steam Instead

I was meant to write This is what happened after I got to London.... Didn't feel like it because I just need to vent a little steam today instead.

You ever have one of those days when you know that it's going to be a little tougher than usual the moment you wake up? I am having one of those today. I dragged myself up after a night of interrupted sleep and pockets of insomnia, and had coffee with my darling Kate before getting ready for work. I discovered, when I got downstairs, that one of the cats had peed on my handbag. Nice. They have beautifully clean litter trays, yet one of the little buggers decided it would be so much nicer to wee on Mommy's bag. It's never a good day when you grab your handbag and find cat pee.

Swamped at work. Things coming from left, right and centre. My brain is fogged up from lack of sleep and I feel like I am a Zombie in my own horror movie. I can't get things to work, I can't get things right and it just keeps on coming. I make myself look like an idiot all day and feel a little like a failure. A failure with a cat-pee handbag. (Which I did actually leave at home and just grabbed the essentials instead)

I quit drinking caffeine 3 weeks ago and I plunged into a 2 week long headache (no joke - it really did last 14 days. I counted.) Strangely, I slept like a baby during those two weeks. Eureka! I am cured of insomnia! Alas. The headache wore off and with it returned the insomnia. The hour or two I just lie in bed followed by the fitful sleep that I wake up from every few hours from about 4am onwards. Or, my personal favourite, I wake at 4 or 5am and I can't get back to sleep. So. Maybe quitting caffeine wasn't the cure. Maybe it's something else?

Then I realised something. If I allow just one little tiny negative thought access into my brain, it creates a hole that gets bigger and bigger and allows all kinds of negative thoughts from the teeny trivial bullshit to the great big whopping motherfucker of bullshit. All day long. A constant whine of crap.

I shifted my state. I positioned myself in the NOW. Hopefully this will act as an anti-negative-though forcefield.

Tanya Reads The News

Share your thoughts on what is In the News Today:

1. Dangerous Dogs. Pitbulls trained for fighting are seized by the police. This after a young girl was mauled by another pitbull-type dog. Are these dogs all going to be put down? Who do you think is responsible: owners of the dogs or the dogs? Are these dogs quite friendly if reared that way or are they all evil little fuckers waiting to turn on their masters?

2. Treatment Keeps Girl Child-Sized. The parents of a disabled child have decided to use hormone treatment to keep her small rather than allowing her to develop fully into an adult. They have also had her uterus, breast tissue and appendix removed. Their blog explains in more detail the reasons for their decisions. Right or wrong?

3. Man Risks Own Life to Save Man on Tracks. A selfless New Yorker threw himself down amongst the subway tracks in order to save the life of a man who had had a seizure and fell off the platform. Don't see that many selfless acts of bravery these days, do you?

OK - What's Coming UP?

Still no idea what to do with all my blogs. In the meantime, while I am deciding, here's a quick update:

For those interested in the esoteric, a glimpse at some astrology is available on The Esotericon.

Over the next few days, you'll see the following blog posts coming up:

This is what happened after I got to London...
Life in the Rutland Countryside
I used to be a Sunday school teacher ( and other adventures in religion)

And Kate and I are getting another lesbian movie from LoveFilm, so watch out for the review (once the darn thing arrives and we've watched it) and the introduction of The Gay Scale.

After that... who knows? I reckon I should set a deadline to deciding what I should do about my blogs. How about Monday 8 January? Fine. I'll have an idea by then. I won't be disappearing from Start Wearing Purple, but I do think I need to take a look at the other blogs I have hanging around.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

This is Lucifer. Last night Lucifer was cuddled up to his new catnip mouse that he got for Christmas. Bless. I thought this was so sweet, I had to take a picture and post it. After about ten minutes of what looked like crazed efforts on his part, Luce gave up his battle with the mouse and decided to make friends instead. The truce, however, appears to be over, since this morning the catnip mouse is on the floor and Lucifer is at the upstairs window. Well, they said it wouldn' t last...

Each year I choose a song to be my theme tune for the year. This year it is No More Looking Over My Shoulder (by the lovely Kate and one of my favourite tunes).

I've come up with quite a few goals, but ultimately, whatever I do in 2007 I want to do it with a child-like sense of wonder, enthusiasm, joy and curiosity. I want to live each day in the NOW and have a year that has far more laughter than tears. It's what I wish for everyone out there. I wish everyone intense happiness and triumph over all obstacles.

Here are my goals and determinations for 2007, if anyone is interested:

ART:
* create 4 paintings up to exhibition standard so that I can join the Welland Valley Artists' Society
* Go to a couple of lifedrawing classes
* SELL ONE WORK OF ART
* Cartoons: regular Dangerdykes
* Come up with some designs and stick them onto something to sell on cafepress

WRITING:
* write 10 minutes a day minimum (blogging doesn't count)
* SUBMIT SHORT STORY TO BEST LESBIAN EROTICA 2008
* Write and submit two further short stories
* Look into getting some freelance work

OTHER STUFF:

* I want to look after my health and honour my body. I'm not going to diet. I am just going to eat healthy and be more active and treat my body with the respect it deserves.

* I really want to improve my financial situation, so I am going to pay more attention to where I direct my financial energy and avoid creating further debts (as well as find other sources of income)

* I'd like to be more aware of how I can help the environment. I will be more observant about recycling and I plan on growing my own organic veg and herbs

* Deepen my spiritual life

* Join the Tarot Association of the British Isles and begin to give readings

* Each year I decide on a reading target. In 2005 the target was 12 (I read 24), last year the target was 5 (because I was studying, but I managed 6) and 2007's target is 10

* I would really like to visit my Dad in March if I can.

Feel free to share yours. Much light and love to you all! Have a wonderful 2007!