Two more sociology essays completed and sent off to the Open University. Two more weeks of agonising and berating myself and preparing myself for the worst.
This uni foundation course thing has taught me a lot about myself.
I've learned that I CAN actually put my mind to something and achieve it. That I can take a challenge like this and not give up on myself. And there were many times I thought I should just pack it in. Why did I have to go and do this? I am so stupid. I am just not getting this sociology stuff. I am too old for this. What does it matter if I get a degree anyway? I am not achieving 90% or above, so why the hell should I bother to go on?
Those are some pretty heavy Class A excuses, don't you think? I faced them head on and busted them ONE by ONE.
Yes, I am still a far way off from even finishing this foundation course. I am about halfway there. After this… a Degree course. But I know now that I am not willing to give up on myself and THAT is a major change for a woman who was waiting for the day her life would actually begin.
Every time the excuses have come up, I have reminded myself of the reasons I am doing this in the first place:
1. I promised my father I would use the small amount of money my mom left me when she died for studying. My father is dying and I want him to see me begin that journey before he dies.
2. I deserve a university education.
3. I want to open greater opportunities for myself in this world and not consign myself to mediocrity
4. I have always felt short changed because my parents didn't allow me to study what I wanted to when I was younger. It's a gift from me to me.
5. Fuck it. Life's too short - I'll do it anyway.
And I have begun, in many areas of my life, to do the opposite of what my mind tells me I SHOULD do.
Mind says, "Let's goof off - study tomorrow."
I study now.
Mind says, "We can do some writing or drawing later. Let's watch TV."
I turn off the TV and go upstairs to write.
Mind says, "You feel needy and clingy - go hold onto Kate."
I give both of us our space
Mind says, "Why waste your time on a diet and exercise programme? You'll only fail. You're fine as you are."
I get a gym membership and chuck the sweeties in the bin.
Big karmic shift for Tanya. Power to the revolurion.