Tonight thousands, nay, millions of people in Great Britain will be disappearing into the vortex of Big Brother.

I won't be among them.

I've turned my hand to some poetry over on Tastes Like Llama. I last wrote loads of poetry when I was about 20. I am no poet and most of it is crap, but that's fine. At least I am under no delusions that it's going to make me rich and famous.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 34 years old now. It's a birthday I greeted with mixed feelings and as it turned out I had a reasonably good day. My friend Julie had agreed to give me a lift to a Buddhist women's meeting yesterday and I was treated to an unexpected birthday surprise: Julie's carer answering the door in nothing but a skimpy towel.

The day went well and I had a good time. I got a soul card from my friend Simon in Nottingham, CK One Summer from Julie, a cute handbag from my now ex-mother-in-law and a card from Kate.

I've also decided to return to South Africa on 14 July. I went to a travel agent yesterday but their systems were down so I couldn't book my ticket, so I'll have to go next weekend. Clearly the Universe wants me to wait one more week before I book the ticket.

I am coming home soon. My Auntie Carol said once that when a relationship ends, it's like a death and you must mourn it like a death. She also said there comes a time when you realise you've spent enough time crying about it and now, I have no more tears. I've paid my dues to pain and enough is enough and I want that pain right out of my life. This video says everything you need to know about how I feel right now.

UPDATE

Little hamster Bo now has a new home with Gillian. Kate's taking Mischa, her sister is taking Lucifer and Tinkie and her Auntie is considering taking Noodle. Zakky will be taking up residence with our neighbour, Janet. Hooray! Kitties homed!

I'll be living between my friend Lin and Auntie Liz during June. We still have some sorting and chucking of stuff to do.

I am feeling a lot happier and stronger now. I do not doubt that this is the right thing for me to do, and I have been thinking about this a lot. There's greater clarity, and right now, Kate and I are able to talk things through very amicably and I believe that something has turned for me. This is a very good thing.

Now we need to sort through all the practical stuff. And that suits me because in a way, doing that is helping me in a big way.

I promise that soon there will be a post that's about something other than all this shit. I found a drawing I did while going through my things. It was of the Dangerdykes before they were Dangerdykes. Yes! There was a pre-Dangerdykes! And they were known as The Dyke Squad. Weirdly, this was before I even met Kate and the spooky thing is that the drawing looks a lot like Wondermole. I laughed when I uncovered it. Once I get it scanned, I'll post it.

And I am finding all kinds of weird shit that should have been chucked out ages ago. Ah well. At least all my rooting around hasn't turned up any corpses belonging to small animals. Yet.

Truce!

Oy vey. So many comments on my last post. Sheesh. I wondered if I should actually say something about it all, but what the fuck, it's my blog so I'll say what I like.

Kate and I have declared a truce, and in fact, she warned me about the comment that she had made before I read it. I've left it up there because I am not a big fan of censorship. Thank you all for your comments and support. Including you, Kate.

I feel that the best way through this for myself is with strength and positivity, so I am not buying into the negative shit. It's what we Buddhists call Sansho Shima - the obstacles and devils that rise up to test you, particularly when you've made a decision that's right for your life. This negativity is a really good sign. It means I am on the right path.

I know that I am not the only one hurting here. I know that Kate is hurting too. It's not fun for either of us to be throwing four years of a life spent together away, and while healing will take time, I do think that we'll both be happier, stronger and certainly better people at the end of it. I am not excusing anything here. What I am saying is that there is a bigger picture and that Kate, too, is a Buddha.

The bigger picture is that while we are both caught up in the whole moving/house finding/cat rehoming thing, the waters will look murky to us and to those around us. When we talk about our situation to others, they will see the murk that we project, and that's ok. Whenever this gets me down, I remind myself that the beautiful lotus flower (hmm. maybe that will be my next tattoo?) grows in mud. I think of Kate, Bo and the cats as all having Buddha nature. While they may all infuriate me from time to time, or maybe even all the time, there is something deeper in all of us that exists: our true Buddha nature, hidden by a chemical cocktail, some water, electricity, blood, bone and flesh.

Both of us have a right to feel angry or sad or joyful and to tell the world about it. It doesn't detract from the fact that, in my book, that both of us have Buddhahood. Ultimately, I know that Kate and I will eventually lumber our way through this and with a little enlightenment from both our sides, we may even end up with the friendship that had underpinned the relationship that we shared. Without that friendship, I doubt we would have made it this far. Nor would we have been able to spend 25 minutes this afternoon discussing the fate of our children.

I am sure that you might think I am off my trolley and I've lost it completely. Of course I feel hurt and angry and upset. Of course I have told my friends that I have felt that way. I am sure Kate has done the same. As would you.

For both of us this has been a painful process in different ways. It is my aim to handle all of this with dignity and compassion because what I am aware of is that I am dealing with illusions. When the pain rises, I deal with it. When the anger rises, I vent it. Kate, I am sure, will tell you that she does the same. Those closest to us will have seen us at our worse this past week. and that too is okay.

The challenge for both of us is to come out the other side better, stronger and more in control of our lives and responsibilities. That's the way I see it. The point is to break through the illusion of the murky pond and to emerge as the beautiful lotus flowers we both are. We may not share the same pond, but we are still lotus flowers.

Decisions Made.

I have made a really tough decision today. Tougher still because although I am moving towards a new start and being in a place where I feel I can move on, I am also leaving behind a piece of me.

I am returning to South Africa. Hopefully in June.

I am fully aware of the impact this decision will have on the lives of those who I leave behind, and the cats. This wasn't something that was easy to decide. It has just been another painful barb in the chain that has begun the year.

On the other hand, I am also relieved and looking forward to being reunited with family and friends.

It's a strange mix of joy and pain that this has brought. I know I have made the decision from the centre of my life, so I know it's the right thing to do.

And regardless of what you may think, Kate, I still love you.

JOY

Today is the first time in five months that I have felt joy again. It was a bit of a surprise, actually.

I caught myself smiling while I was working this morning and realised that no matter what I choose or how I decide to live my life, it's all going to be okay.

This is a relief because I have spent more than a month in the most excrutiating emotional agony, which I have not really wanted to share. I feel like my life has been a living out of the tarot card, Ten of Swords.

This is what the web says about the card: The Ten of Swords portends a difficult experience of loss or release, but a new awareness and a positive sense of relief that the difficulty is finally finished will eventually follow the pain of this experience. Though this card may seem negative at first glance, it is a card of hope and an indication that our troubles will not be permanent.

The Ten of Swords appears to be a card of terrible misfortune, but, surprisingly, it often represents troubles that are more melodramatic than real. The man on this card has quite a few swords in his back.... When one disaster follows another, we feel devastated at first, but eventually we throw up our hands up and laugh. It's so bad, it's funny! In films, the hero says, "What else could possibly go wrong?" and we know a bucket of water is about to fall on his head. When you see the Ten of Swords, know that the last bucket has fallen, and you can expect a turn for the better.

Well, things are turning. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon and cried so hard I couldn't chant. I have felt a visceral pain well up from inside me and I have cried like a child, loudly, howling. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon with anger inside me that felt like I had been pierced through by ten hot knives.

I am not saying that I am not going to ever feel those things again, but it seems as though the pain has ebbed and now there is clarity.

Through this journey I have come to stand in the centre of my life. I am so grateful to all those things and circumstances that engineered this. I am so happy that I have had all of this to deal with because ultimately I am going to be standing strong and victorious.

And that's what this year is all about, isn't it? The year of advancement and victory.

Big Decisions, Weird Dreams

I had a dream on Saturday night. I dreamt that I had lost my two front teeth and needed to get to the dentist. I was the first one in the waiting room and after the other patients arrived, the receptionist ushered those with appointments to one side and handed out plastic spoons with numbers on to those waiting emergency treatment. She gave me a spoon with a number 8 on it. And I lost my rag and I shouted: "No fucking way! I was here first. Why do I always have to be the last one in the queue?" I chucked down the number 8 spoon and snatched the number 1 spoon and said, "The doctor will see me first."

What does this dream have to do with anything? Well, for starters, it is very powerfully linked to a big decision I have made: to put myself in the centre of my life. Up until just a few days ago, I have spent my entire life placing other people and situations in the centre of my life and I have simply revolved around them. From now on, every decision I make, everything that I do will be coming from the centre of my life.

The Incredible Wondermole

Creative Writing Classes and an Update

My students are finding the Advanced Creative Writing Course quite a challenge and frankly, so am I, considering this is the first time I am presenting it. I thought (briefly and thankfully not seriously) that perhaps I should drop the advanced class in the next term, but I know that I need this challenge. It serves to stretch me both as a writer and as a teacher.

In the process of teaching my students, I am also recovering a sense of my own creativity, which Jen, Si and May reminded me about on Saturday. It's interesting to me how grief and loss packs all that creative energy up and sprints off with it. The soul uses that energy for healing. That's the only thing I can see.

Alan the Healer began a process of unlocking my pain for me on Saturday, and I am deeply grateful to him for that. I know that this is the right time to begin examining these things. I have locked my grief away in order to deal with more immediate issues. The grief is still there, trapped in my neck and shoulder. I've also begun to discover how other emotional pain manifests in my body: shoulder is grief and not feeling 'good enough'. Headaches are feeling overwhelmed. My feet and the problems I have with them are related to stepping on myself and putting myself down. Heal the pain, heal the body.

Comic Strips

I have begun some sketches of the Dangerdykes. Just to get me back into the flow of drawing them because it's been a while. I've made some changes to their costumes. I've written out a few storylines. It's going to come together.

I am being ambitious and planning a few other comic strips, which I will occasionally put out on this blog. They are in their infancy and I am not sure if they would work. One of them is titled Unhappily Ever After, the other is Spacemonkey. I am also working on developing a strip that has been incubating for about three years now titled Goth Kid. I hope to get some sketches up on the blog soon.

Thing is, with all this drawing my lovely art pen has dried up and I don't have the extra cash to spend on a new one. Yet. I haven't quite worked out yet how I am going to ink all these comic strips, but I'll make a plan. I think I still have a bottle of ink somewhere and a brush. That should be interesting.

Regardless of all that, I am still going to put up my rough pencil sketches later on today. Hooray!

Some Lyrics...

... that today speak to me of a number of things. Not least of all how much I miss my Dad. I heard this and thought perhaps of him being out there in the ether somewhere saying these things. Four months today. I miss you, Daddy.

Tracy Chapman - The Promise

If you wait for me then I'll come for you

Although I've traveled far

I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me

If you miss me once in awhile

Then I'll return to you

I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering

Your touch

Your kiss

Your warm embrace

I'll find my way back to you

If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me like I dream of you

In a place that's warm and dark

In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

And What is to Become of the DANGERDYKES????

Fear not my pretties! I have thought long and hard about the fate of The Dangerdykes now that Kate and I are no longer a couple. And EUREKA! I have it!

DANGERDYKES WILL LIVE ON! I am developing several storylines and I will begin sketching VERY soon and yes! Dangerdykes will be up on their blog soon. And this time, I am going to do at least two months' worth of comic strips so that those of you who enjoy their escapades will not be disappointed.

Added to that, coming soon, will be Dangerdykes merchandise. From Cafepress, once I wrap my head around how all that works.

The Dangerdykes are still around ladies and gentlemen, and don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Jesus, either.

I am pulling my head out of the gloom and putting those creative juices to work. Yeeehaaa! As Freddie once said, "Don't stop me now!"

Out and About in Nottingham

I went up to Nottingham yesterday. My friend Simon invited me to join him and a few other people for the day and encouraged me to get there early so that we could go and get some spiritual healing.

I set off at 8am and just as we walked out of the Nottingham station, we saw a woman who had fallen and cut her head open. We, along with some other people, helped her out, made sure the first aid guy was there to help and then moved along to meet up with Si's spiritual healer friend, Alan.

The healing was really good and very much needed. I didn't realise how much of my emotional pain was contained in my shoulder. After the healing, the pain in my neck and shoulder eased off and my shoulder felt normal and pain free. It's still normal and pain free this morning.

After meeting Jen and May at Si's place (which I totally love because he has such gorgeous taste) we had a little lunch and then set off on a trek around Nottingham. Our walk took us past Nottingham Castle, where some people were performing songs from Grease. Then on to Ye Olde Jerusalem, England's oldest inn, apparently. We happened upon a reggae sort of band that was performing as part of some rally that was held earlier in the day. After that, a stroll along the canals and we stopped for a quick cup of tea before Jen and I had to race back to Si's place to pick up our stuff in order to get back to the train station for 6pm.

I have so many blisters on both my feet and my legs ache, but it was a really good day. I had a long chat with May about life and she and Simon proceeded to convince me that I should move up to Nottingham. The social life is more vibrant, there is more culture, more to do, more people to meet and more jobs. Not to mention a thriving buddhist and gay community. Their words are very seductive. Their arguments were persuasive. There is definitely a great benefit to living in a large city. The countryside is quiet, isolating.

The world has suddenly loomed larger on my radar. Si, Jen and May convinced me to put some designs onto Cafepress and to consider bringing my canvasses to a little gallery cum tea room to sell. All in all it was a good day. Being around friends was indeed therapeutic and really renewed my faith in my life and my abilities. They opened up a world of possibilities to me and that is something I am deeply grateful to for all of them. Thanks guys!

I The World of Hell

In Nichiren Buddhist tradition, Hell is a life state that we create and exists within our lives. Hell also contains the other life states, including Buddhahood.

I say this only because this describes my current state. My lifeforce has run out of juice, man, and I am operating on fumes alone. Well, fumes and caffeine. Who would have thought a fatty like me wouldn't need to go on a diet? I don't recommend stress as a form of weight loss at all, though.

OK, to answer the question on everyone's mind: How did the Interview at the Cat Mag Go?

Well. I sucked. All the interview served to do was highlight to me all the gaping holes in my experience and qualifications. I think I came across badly. I left the interview feeling really dejected and low. I doubt I'll be called back for a second interview.

This whole job hunting thing is wearing me down. I pretty myself up, sit in front of a stranger and try to justify why I am such a good catch. I answer the same questions with the same answers. I've seen more fake smiles and polite nodding than I can stand. I've only had rejections from every interview I've been to so far. I am so grateful for the temping job, because without that, I am not really sure what my state of mind would be right now. (Then again, I shudder to think of it being any worse than it already is)

To cheer myself up, I think about Nelson Mandela. Seriously. I think about a man spending 27 years in prison, most of which was spent on an isolated island, with very little contact with the outside world. My situation is much better than that of Nelson Mandela's and look at the legend he became.

I think about Nichiren Daishonin, exiled to the isolated, treacherous Sado Island in the dead of winter with nothing but a flimsy blanket and a run down hut to keep him from the elements. My situation is much better than Nichiren Daishonin's. Except, I am no founder of a Buddhist practice nor am I the ex-president of a country.

The Work Thing

Tempiong at the moment. Boring shit. I can't wait to get a job that's worthy of me. I have spent so much time doing naff shit. I am still grateful I have work, though.

Tomorrow is The Big Interview at Your Cat Magazine. This is The One. I am going all out, pulling out all the stops, wearing make up, doing my hair, even giving myself a manicure. I want this job SO BAD I can taste it. And it tastes good.

I wasn't nervous about the other interviews. I am nervous about this one. Man, this is my dream job. Part of me is afraid I won't get it. Part of me is afraid that I WILL get it and then proceed to make an arse out of myself.

I am chanting constantly for this job. I read recently that we should go for things 100% and if we don't get it, we should view it as protection from a grave error. Well, I hope the shoten zenjin are working in my best interests here. I would so love this job. It has Tanya O written all over it. In caps. Bold. And in rainbow colours.

Wish me luck.