The Fat Lady

Something extraordinary happened last night.

I went along to an aqua-aerobics class with a lady from work and thoroughly enjoyed myself. No, no, no - me going to an exercise class is not the something extraordinary, though it does come close. The enjoyment side of it isn't the extraordinary bit either. Nope.

It was this:

At the end of the class we got to stretch out and float on our fronts then on our backs and this amazing feeling came over me. You remember when you're a kid and you just figured out you could do something? Remember that sense of fun and excitement with trying something new? That's what I felt. Exactlly as I remember it as a child. That feeling I got when I first learned to swim. That whole "I am proud and special" feeling. That notion that I am perfect as I am that existed long before anyone wanted to change me.

I revelled in it. I basked. I glowed.

I was suddenly reconnected with myself. With me before the domestication and schooling. The true essence of Tanya. Pure, undistilled, undiluted ME.

I wish I knew how to reach that place again or to show others to be there. I wish I could show them a picture of that emotion. What an awesome place to be! That's the spark I have been searching for so long - that thrill of just being alive and learning and playing and breathing and loving. BEING.

Suddenly there were no borders or limitations - just possibilities. It didn't matter that I felt like The Fat Lady when I got into the pool. It didn't matter that I had said nasty things to myself about my weight or anything else.

For those few moments, the only thing that mattered, was the sheer joy at being alive.