HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT?

Lucifer has gone missing. I am beside myself and so is Kate. He was last seen on the morning of the 26th. I've asked neighbours, got them to open up their sheds and garages, but there is no Luce. I have chanted for his save return. I have prayed to St Francis. I have prayed to Bast.

Now I have printed out LOST posters and the only picture I have of Luce where he has his eyes open is one in which he looks a little evil.

Tinkie was very distressed the first night he was gone. Luce NEVER misses a meal and nor does he go out at night.

I phoned the vet as well. No one has brought in a cat fitting his description and the nurse did suggest that perhaps he was enjoying the spring air. Apparently having male cats neutered is no guarantee that they won't stray, though I would have thought that living with 2 humans at your beck and call was not reason enough to stay.

I have cried myself to sleep. I have been really upset and so has Kate.

You have to understand - Kate and I are in all likelihood NEVER going to have children. Our cats are our children and they get spoiled rotten. I have vowed to live a life in which I deal with all my karma so that I may be rewarded with life as a cat with one of my relatives - it's a magic world of diamante kitty bling collars, kitty treats and warms beds in front of the fire...

SO.... Please send out prayers to whatever deity you worship or the Cosmos, or chant nam-myoho-renge-kyo for my little Lucifer's safe return. I would be ETERNALLY grateful.

Assailed by The Devil King of the Sixth Heaven...

My life force had to be picked up from the floor this morning. It made sticky "schlock" noise as I prised it from the carpet before picking out the debris. I stuffed it into my solar plexus where it belongs, but it's currently sloshing around my lower bowel feeling sorry for itself.

So: not feeling that great about myself today.

It's so easy to allow negativity to march right in and take over. It seems like a far easier option to stick up the white flag instead of fighting it out with the Devil King and giving him the one fingered salute while he surrenders.

Some days it just seems easier to let him win. Easier to buy into the dazzling illusions he projects and say, "Sure, I AM a loser. I give up."

And yeah, it's an effort today to look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. It's tougher than usual to feel my Buddhahood. But I remind myself that this is not about my job, or relationship, or the cats, or the house - it's about me not seeing my true potential and buying into the illusion.

The difference is that now I am aware of it, so I can change my state.

A Rose By Any Other Name? Well... Depends on the Interpretation.

I was thinking the other night while I was in the shower.

For the record, I do think in other places, but it just so happens that the most profound or interesting thoughts that make it through the random idiot stuff tend to do so:

a) in the shower (no bloody notepad to write that down)
b) just before I fall asleep (causing the "OMG! That's a FANTASTIC idea for a book. Must get notepad and write it........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" phenomenon)
c) in the car (no fricken notepad to write that down)
d) in my dreams (I'll just write that down in fire ink on my magic notepad floating in front of me, while I defeat the spy sent to destroy me with my free hand.....)

But, I managed to remember this thought.

Some background first, though:

A few weeks back, I took Kate along to a "Work's Do" and introduced her to all and sundry as "My partner, Kate".

Later, Kate said she wasn't so sure that she liked the term 'partner'. "It just sounds so clinical. I could be your business partner for all they know. Or your gym partner," she said.

So I churned out the alternatives: wife? "No - that might upset people." Girlfriend? "I am more than your girlfriend." Lover? "Yeah - that would really upset people." My personal sex slave? "Now you're just being stupid."

"Right," I said, " YOU suggest something."

"How about you introduce me as your 'other half'? That explains who I am in your life AND it's not offensive."

OK - other half it is.

But now we fast forward a few weeks to the thought I had in the shower: Other half. That kind of implies that neither of us are whole without each other. And that is not a particularly happy thought. It has a slightly co-dependent ring to it.

My ideas regarding relationships have changed enormously over the years. There was a time when I did feel you needed another person to complete your life. What works for me is the belief that both my partner and I are whole individuals, with our own desire for space and privacy - which Kate and I are good at accommodating for each other. When we are together, we enjoy each other as individuals.

I learned the hard way not to see her as part of this thing called a relationship and how she relates to me. The problems I faced taking this view were insane jealousy (her time was MINE damnit!), misunderstanding (but she HAS to think the way I do!) and disrespect (If I could just get her to come round to my way of thinking on how socks are to be folded...) Needless to say, viewing her as this extension of me (this other half, if you like) didn't work particularly well in our relationship. As you may imagine.

Then, I had an epiphany (far more profound than a thought in a shower, although it probably occurred under one of the circumstances listed above). I do not own the rights to Kate: not to her body, her mind, her thoughts, her individuality. Just because I have committed myself to her doesn't mean she belongs TO me, it means that we have chosen to share our lives in a loving relationship. This immediately brought a sense of compassion and loosened the hold of jealousy (let her enjoy her computer game), brought about understanding, (I like the way she challenges me) and respect (who cares how the socks are bloody folded).

I began to see Kate, and our relationship, in an entirely different light. When I shifted my view from Kate being a part of my life to Kate being in my life, I began to respect our differences more. What I thought were big issues (see above re: socks) were silly, and realistically, they were my attempts to control the relationship in some way.

Noting that within our relationship, I could see that many issues we faced were my attempts to control another person's thoughts and actions, and ultimately, that was not loving her.

I shifted my attitude and now both of us are happy. We both have room to grow, we appreciate each other more. I am not relying on Kate to fulfil my needs or to be the sole source of my happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness. With the pressure off her, Kate feels better too. Our love has deepened as a result.

I highly recommend The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz. It was useful in helping to alter my perception of my relationship.

It's interesting to observe - within my relationship and those of others - how one person wishes to exert control and dominate the relationship. I have been in a few of those relationships in the past too - not very comfortable. This occurs to a greater or lesser degree in every relationship with one extreme being domestic violence and the other complete apathy. A middle line is something to aim for.

Or rather, viewing your partner with respect and compassion, rather than focussing on the points that niggle and are unimportant (again, see note above re: socks). This way, when it comes time to discuss something of importance, or to express our feelings, the atmosphere we've created is ripe for dialogue and understanding rather than screaming at each other and throwing tantrums. More grown up too. (Did I just use the term 'grown up'? I am getting really old.)

So... I think I will suggest to Kate that perhaps I won't introduce her as my 'other half', but rather as 'my other whole'.

(Hopefully all this makes sense.)

Gay Movies

OK - I have to ask: why are the majority of gay and lesbian flicks so crap?

I bring to mind, most memorably (although I have DESPERATELY tried to forget) "Claire of the Moon", which has to be by far THE MOST horrendous lesbian movie I have seen so far. Over-long and self-indulgent, not even the obligatory sex-scene (which came - no pun - in the last 10 minutes of the movie) was worth the torture of watching this film. My cats could have done a better acting job and would have skipped over the ENDLESS diatribes on gay life and gay rights and what makes a lesbian a lesbian... YAWN...

In my pursuit of the perfect lesbian flick (yeah -no pun, you get the picture) I have discovered that most of the films are out there not to tell a story, but to push ideals.

I am not knocking the idea of film changing people's views of lesbians, bisexuals, gay men and transexuals in any way, I only ask that when the writers and directors decide to do this that they follow a few simple rules:

1. Write something with a compelling and believable story line

2. Make sure that the people hired for the parts are actually capable of acting

3. The scriptwriter creates compelling and believable dialogue

4. The director has actually directed before and knows how to create a compelling and believable film

I do realise that LGBT film making isn't topical enough for mainstream players, although it's getting there. I have to confess that the ones I have seen and enjoyed are the ones that have obviously had a large enough budget to employ actors with names we recognise.

That said, I have listed my all time GOOD gay (admitedly I haven't seen too many gay male films) and lesbian films and TV series so far:

Bound

If These Walls Could Talk Two

Fingersmith

Tipping the Velvet

Sugar Rush

Boys Don't Cry

Brokeback Mountain

What makes these worth watching? Characters that you fall in love with, stories that are gripping and productions that are top-notch.

Gay and lesbian characters are becoming more visible in numerous TV series. We are 'people'. Taken to the extreme we have "The L Word" (I haven't seen yet) and "Will and Grace".

I have also noticed that lesbian celebrities (Ellen de Generes, Portia Di Rossi, Rosie O' Donnell...) are by far the more visible. Gone are the days when it was just good ole Martina, Melissa and kd that we all knew as lady-lovers.

But here is a strange Hollywood paradox: while it now seems to be popular to be lesbian (or at least have had a lesbian past/affair), you don't get to see too many lesbians in mainstream movies. Conversely, it is still taboo for a male actor to be 'out' yet gay male characters are frequently portrayed on screen (albeit in a very stereotypical manner.)

I am not suggesting that we don't exist simply because Hollywood says so. But come on - there has to be film out there with real Lezzers, portraying real lesbian situations.... no? Anyone? No?

Pah.... I'll write one myself.

"I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." - Mahatma Gandhi


I open with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi, one of the greatest supporters of peace that this planet has seen.

I have been greatly disturbed by an article I found on the BBC News website this morning that is talking about 'rebranding' the "War on Terror" .

WHAT THE FUCK?

Since when is war a marketing exercise? Why rebrand a war? So you can sell it more effectively to the droves of people who are no longer buying into the death and destruction being caused? They are looking at 'rebranding' (read: marketing) the war "The Long War" because they want to sell us the view that a war, extending for 20 years is what is on the cards. And we had better like it.

"The Long War" sounds a lot softer than "The War on Terror", don't you think? Terror is such a harsh word, an ugly word. Besides, a war on terror and all those who engage in terrorist activities would mean that terrorist cells throughout the world would need to be targeted. And goodness me, the only terrorists on the menu for this war are Al Queda. Ooops. We mis-sold the public on that one.

I am not a believer in war. I am a pacifist. Gandhi's words are so true. And if you are looking at the Buddhist view of cause and effect, if you begin with creating a cause based on violence and murder, you will have the effects that will run along the same vein. Needless to say that karmically, getting the public to buy into a 20 year long war, is not a good thing.

Interestingly, it's controversial to be against war. Have you noticed that? That established ideas seem to be in favour of killing other people, maiming them, stealing their freedom. Think of the protestors against the Vietnam war. Think of Gandhi.

When everyone is going on about how the war will establish freedom and peace, have they actually stopped to think that freedom and peace can be achieved without terrorising (yes, terrorising) a nation of people?

Gandhi was not afraid of being controversial and opting for passive resistance. He wasn't a soldier. He said: "You should be the change that you want to see in the world". Now how profound is that?

Why don't the presidents go and engage in a bout of boxing with each other? Sounds stupid, doesn't it? So, the leaders sending armies in to do that job for them sounds more reasonable? In every playground in every school in the world, there is a bully. The bully gets his friends to help bash the heads in of the kids he wants to intimidate. Every bully is really a coward.

It takes courage to find peaceful solutions to problems that face a nation. It takes courage to step away from the calls to "nuke 'em all".

If only one leader stood up and declared that he would be the change he wants to see in the world.

Vok of, ek het genoeg vriende OR: Fuck off, I have enough friends

My recent trip back to South Africa has, as I had expected, shifted an enormous amount of "stuff".

One of the things I came to realise while enjoying the energy and company of my friends out there was that I have some pretty high quality, super-amazing, awesome people in my life. Every one of my friends is supportive, loving, understanding, challenging and an absolute JOY to be around. Even Gavin and Ralph, who I hooked up with after not seeing them in 16 or 18 years, were downright brilliant and it was as though there was absolutely no time that separated our last meeting.

I am extraordinarily lucky to have these people in my life. And extraordinarily spoiled by having, what I call, Quality Friends - some going way back (20 years is the most), some relatively new (18 months) and some online friends that have only emerged in the last few months.

I had a long chat with Dori while I was in SA about friends and friendships. Very good talk. She had said that she had all the people she needed in her life, good solid friends who stood by her. I realised that the deepest connections I have are with the friends who I have in South Africa. They are the people I grew up with, the ones that know me the best, the ones who have stuck by me (20 years in Dori's case!). They've loved me despite my tirades, stupid mistakes, depressive episodes, inexplicable behaviour and long radio silences. They have laughed and celebrated with me, cried with me, been creative with me, shared secrets with me and witnessed my personal tragedies. They have listened to me drone on about my problems, rail against the world and put forward bizarre theories on life (most likely whilst drunk)

Geneen Roth, in her book, "When You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up A Chair" has said that you should really let go of people (friends) who don't want the best for you. She cites people who scupper your attempts to get well, give up the cigarettes, lose weight... people who put you down and bring you down and who would rather spend an evening picking the scabs off their own (and your own) wounds. (I use this last example metaphorically. I sincerely hope no one reading this has a friend who would physically pick scabs off their friends!) Her ideas are based on the fact that once you start getting well and recovering a sense of self, you are not going to tolerate these things in other people and nor will you find it helpful to your healing to hang out with them.
So I discovered when I sat back in the plane after consuming my teeny-tiny dinner that in fact, I did know some people like that. I call them psychic vampires.

Then I remembered my motto for the year: LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR BULLSHIT. Do I really want to share my energy with people who do not want what's in my interests or do I want to build Quality Friendships with people who do? The next thought was quite sobering: If I want to have friends who are on my side, I have to be a friend that is on the side of the people I care about.

If I want to continue the friendships I have with these fabulous people in my life, I too have to become fabulous. I too have to be strong, loving, supportive, understanding. I too have to listen without judgement while they rail against the world and discuss the universe (most likely whilst drunk). I have got to be the kind of friend I would like to have.

Life IS too short for bullshit, but always big enough for true friends.

Thank you to all the people in my life and all the people reading this. Thank you for your advice, support, love, tissues when needed, shoulder to cry on and for sticking by me even during those moments you may have felt I was genuinely nuts. You are special, fantastic individuals and it's my aim to become the kind of friend to you that you have always been to me.

Big Fat Scary Lesbian

It was bound to happen at some point: a blog entry about homosexuality and my journey into the Sapphic Sisterhood (more of that later).

In fairness this entry was really inspired by seeing Brokeback Mountain recently and the comments that I have received from a couple of friends - one positive, one not so positive.

One friend found the film to be depressing because despite the leaps and bounds the gay community have made in society, they are still being murdered, beaten and generally oppressed because of their sexuality. As a result of her poignant words, I realised that perhaps I was living in a lovely rainbow tinted bubble in which men can love men and women can love women and everyone is ok with it. At least, that was, until a pin was unceremoniously applied to abovementioned bubble.

I checked this with Kate and she agreed that perhaps I am a little too open and her concern for me was that at some point, someone was going to get nasty with me because I refuse to deny, when prompted, who I am.

She does have a point. My friend, too, has a point, so I have removed the lavender tinted spectacles for a bit. And I got thinking. (NEVER a good thing.)

This is what I have come up with: In spite of living in an 'enlightened' society, hate crime is still rife. I live in a country in which honour killing occurs. People are provoked to violence because of differences in race, religion, sexuality, politics, dress, gender... you name it. I am sure that this is what happens to a greater or lesser degree in countries all over the world.

Regardless of the acceptance of other religions, people are murdered because of their faith. Same with race. Same with sexuality. Ultimately this violence stems from fear, which stems from ignorance. The only cure for ignorance is education. So many people are raised with a system of beliefs that states if someone isn't like you and doesn't believe the same things as you, you have to either convert them to your way of thinking or kill them - kill them all!

I have long held a concept that I call 'The Daily Activist'. It's how I live my life and it's the reason I challenge people's attitudes. My faith has taught me that I cannot change other people, but if I want to change my environment (and ultimately society) I have to change myself. So I will say, "Actually, my partner is a she" or "I am not a Christian" or, "So why do you hate French people so much?"

Daisaku Ikeda, President of the Soka Gakkai, the lay arm of Nichiren Buddhism, has said (to paraphrase) if one man stands up, soon another will stand up with him. Then another, and another. So I choose to stand up. Whether that's to educate people about my sexuality or the effects of racial discrimination, I will stand up.

Gandhi was alone on a train when he was asked by a South African conductor to move off because he wasn't white. Gandhi refused. He stood up. Others later stood up with him. Same with Martin Luther King. Nelson Mandela. Daisaku Ikeda. And now, YOU.

And it's not as if people understand when you stand up. There are religions that state that they are based on love for their neighbours and tolerance, when in fact many of their belivers behave in the opposite manner. There are people I have thought would be enlightened, but have been downright ignorant. It's not personal. What they show me is their true character.

A friend once said to me that being gay is not about who you have sex with, but rather with who you love. More often than not, when you tell someone you are gay, they don't see the person, they imagine what you get up to behind closed doors.

Here are some examples of the things I have had said to me:

* (Upon revealing that my partner is a woman to someone who I thought was an enlightened person) "So is it just about the sex?" My response was to ask this person if she was only with her husband because of the sex. Her response was no, that she loves him. Bingo.

* (From my ex-brother-in-law) "Tanya, mark my words, you will go back to men and you'll find another husband." Of course I will, Greg. I am only using Kate for this 3 and a half year long lesbian experiment and this is why we had a commitment ceremony nearly 3 years ago. Kate knows this, by the way, but it doesn't bother her that I am toying with her feelings or that we've set up home together and are the proud mothers of four cats and a hamster. You Twat.

* "Exactly what do lesbians do in bed together?" I could show you, but that would mean you would have to be introduced to the secret lesbian society and we make you sacrifice kittens during the initiation ceremony. I can tell you, however, that it's nothing close to what you get to see in the porn flicks you like to watch so much. There's love involved for a start.

* "Oh my god! Did I turn you gay?" (comment from an ex-boyfriend). My reply: you can't turn people gay just like you can't make a white person black. If being gay or bisexual isn't part of your make up, it ain't going to happen. So, Fabian, no, you didn't turn me gay. I made a stupid mistake born out of guilt and a longing for Rachel who had dissed me. What you did do, however, is seal the idea that you are an abusive psycho bastard. I would still have come to that conclusion if you were a woman.

* (Upon coming out at the late age of 28) "Oh... are you sure? I mean, you've never mentioned this before." Just because I hid how I felt about women from all but a few, doesn't mean that it wasn't there. People do pretty strange things out of religious guilt and fear of judgement and rejection.

*(From my ex-brother-in-law again. Isn't he a gem?) "You're just trying this gay thing out because you want to be different. I KNOW you." OK. First off, if you want to get my hackles rising, tell me you KNOW me. No, you don't know me. Not even my sister was aware that at the age of 14 I was checking the chicks out. And if I wanted to be different, I would have dyed my hair purple. (Which I may still do). I wouldn't have chosen to live a life in which I faced misunderstanding, discrimination and having to put up with comments like that one. You twat.

My Lesbian Story
At 12 I realised that I was a bit different, but couldn't put a finger on it. I checked out chicks when I was 14 onwards, but kept this to myself because I knew that this is not The Christian Thing To Do. I had sex with a guy at 16. I don't think it worked for either of us since we're both gay. I figured that my little teenage infatuation with girls at school and female teachers was a little more than a 'finding yourself' thing. I still dated boys because that's what girls are SUPPOSED to do. At 19, I began to wake up to the idea that perhaps I was gay. I liked the way that sounded, felt, lived inside me. At karate, I was considered to be the 'gay one' out of my sister and I. In fact, Tim, the man who was to become Mr Tanya, was surprised I asked him out because I was 'the gay one'. I told him I wasn't entirely straight. I married him because I needed to get out of the house and hopefully it would put paid to my feelings for women because I was doing the proper 'Christian' thing. And then I met Rachel. Rachel who seduced me and opened so many doors and I wanted to divorce Tim to be with her. I had to stop lying. But then she broke my heart and I embarked on an affair with the first man who showed an interest. I had stopped loving my husband a while before and I wanted to do anything I could to stop how I felt for Rachel and for women. So, Fabian, Brett and Donald, you were the finely tuned instruments I used to punish myself with for loving women. Finally I woke up and decided I was worth more than that and that instead of running from who I was (and hurting myself deeply in the process), it was perhaps best to come out. So I did.

There you have it. Chi-ching - my 10p worth.

YEAH, I AM A BIG FAT SCARY LESBIAN. DEAL WITH IT.