Gratitude
At the beginning of this year, I did not imagine that I would be packing up my life in the UK to move back to South Africa. My plans were, instead, to continue teaching creative writing, getting more freelance work in. I did not foresee that just four months into the year, everything would be changed, and so dramatically too. Even then, when it all happened, I still considered my options in the UK.
I began 2007 with the conviction that I was going to make my life more positive, that I was going to create value. Well, the universe certainly ensured that, though not quite in the way I had anticipated.
I woke up this morning with a very profound sense of gratitude for my life and for everything that has happened to bring me here, to bring me home. I am grateful to everyone and everything that has happened to bring me here. More than that, since all this happened, so many people extended themselves to help me first of all to make this move, and then, when I got here, to make this transition in SA as smooth as possible.
So, I would like to thank the following people from the deepest part of my life:
Daddy, for continuing to teach me the value of life, even in his passing
Martin, for making me redundant and giving me a severance package, which he didn’t have to, that allowed me to buy my ticket
Kate, for being brave enough to end our relationship and give me my freedom
Lin, Lizzie and Sharon for giving me a home, even for a brief time, for the meals you cooked for me and the support and encouragement you lent me
Simon H, Jen and May for sharing their wisdom with me on 4th May and helping to realize my own potential
Sharon for showing me a new way to love and for the best 6 weeks of the year so far
Simon W, Julie, Erika and Mark for your love, friendship and support through a difficult period of my life
Sherine, Greg and Liam for giving me a home and too many other things that I cannot even begin to count
Chris and Liz C for your support via email
All my friends in SA: Joe, Dori and Justin, Tracy and Jane, Gav, Kerry, Timmee, Dimmy, Lisa and Linsay. Thank you for the dinners, the phone calls, the support, the work you’ve sent my way
Peterborough District of SGI for your support and Daimoku and The Great Lions District in Johannesburg for the opportunity to advance my life and develop my potential
And to my blog friends: (asterisk)*, Red, Karen, Healing Room and anyone else for your encouragement and comments
Thank you.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I, Servant of Fang
Fang is a six month old tabby and white kitten. I have been chosen to be his primary servant here at La Casa O-C.
With regard to naughtiness, Fang is in a league of his own, regularly disappearing with my sister’s cellphone or trying to quite literally grab the food off our plates. I have wrestled a piece of chicken and a lamb chop from his grubby little paws.
He thinks nothing of using his humans as step ladders, drawing blood as he makes his way from knee to shoulder. Little bastard. My back is covered in scratch marks and I’m not talking about the fun kind. Once on my shoulder, he elects to stay there, even when I stand up to walk around. Most disconcerting, since he refuses to move from his perch even when I have to make the necessary visits to the bathroom.
He’s also remarkably affectionate. At night he purrs around me in great big circles, trying to find the comfiest spot to lie down. While on his circuit of my blankets and me, he stops several times to lick me on the nose with his rough little tongue, or purr noisily while trying to nibble my ear. Or he chews on my pajama top. And in the morning he resorts to batting my cheek with his paw. If that doesn’t work, he tries biting my cheek. Or my nose. Little bastard.
He isn’t a cat that meows. Instead, he emits a high-pitched squeak. He’s singed his eyebrow whiskers by straying too close to a candle. He regularly chases after the other (larger) cats in the house. I no longer deem the water I leave beside my bed as safe to drink because he likes to stick his face in and drink from the glass. Doesn’t matter that he has a bowl of clean water in the kitchen.
Right now he is resting on my hand bag at my feet, in a very convenient patch of sun, warming himself. Like this, it’s hard to imagine he’s a little terror. I bet he’s gathering his energy so that he can bite my toes under the covers tonight.
Fang is a six month old tabby and white kitten. I have been chosen to be his primary servant here at La Casa O-C.
With regard to naughtiness, Fang is in a league of his own, regularly disappearing with my sister’s cellphone or trying to quite literally grab the food off our plates. I have wrestled a piece of chicken and a lamb chop from his grubby little paws.
He thinks nothing of using his humans as step ladders, drawing blood as he makes his way from knee to shoulder. Little bastard. My back is covered in scratch marks and I’m not talking about the fun kind. Once on my shoulder, he elects to stay there, even when I stand up to walk around. Most disconcerting, since he refuses to move from his perch even when I have to make the necessary visits to the bathroom.
He’s also remarkably affectionate. At night he purrs around me in great big circles, trying to find the comfiest spot to lie down. While on his circuit of my blankets and me, he stops several times to lick me on the nose with his rough little tongue, or purr noisily while trying to nibble my ear. Or he chews on my pajama top. And in the morning he resorts to batting my cheek with his paw. If that doesn’t work, he tries biting my cheek. Or my nose. Little bastard.
He isn’t a cat that meows. Instead, he emits a high-pitched squeak. He’s singed his eyebrow whiskers by straying too close to a candle. He regularly chases after the other (larger) cats in the house. I no longer deem the water I leave beside my bed as safe to drink because he likes to stick his face in and drink from the glass. Doesn’t matter that he has a bowl of clean water in the kitchen.
Right now he is resting on my hand bag at my feet, in a very convenient patch of sun, warming himself. Like this, it’s hard to imagine he’s a little terror. I bet he’s gathering his energy so that he can bite my toes under the covers tonight.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I am HOME.
For about 5 years now I have wanted to make a final trip back to good ole Jozi. Back to my family. Now here I am. And I must confess it does feel a little weird. I feel like a foreigner in my own country.
Arrived on time on Sunday morning, having slept for just one hour on an 11 hour flight. I was completely exhausted. I spent most of yesterday tidying and getting my room organised. La Camera della Lesbica. Indeed. (Karen will be most pleased to hear that I did this while dancing around to Tom Jones). I phoned the Johannesburg Buddhists and I am off to my first meeting on Thursday night.
It will take me a while to adjust. I am doing some temp work, helping my sister out at her canteen until the end of the week. Pocket money is always welcome. Next week I take care of the admin stuff with a trip to the SA passport office, the bank and the Italian Consulate.
What thrills me the most is that I am here for the birth of my friend Dori's first baby. Over the years I have missed out on so many important occasions, and now this is the first event I will be here for to lend support and to celebrate. In person!
I miss Sharon and the magical time we spent together.
I miss my cats, but now I have some new ones. My sister has 5 cats so it's not so bad. Fang, the kitten, made a point of sleeping on my head, my neck and my face last night. I woke up gasping for breath to find that I had a kitten balanced across my chin.
It's all new and a little overwhelming, but I am looking forward to this new life that lays ahead. And who knows? Perhaps I can convince Sharon to visit SA along with all my other UK and US friends.
For about 5 years now I have wanted to make a final trip back to good ole Jozi. Back to my family. Now here I am. And I must confess it does feel a little weird. I feel like a foreigner in my own country.
Arrived on time on Sunday morning, having slept for just one hour on an 11 hour flight. I was completely exhausted. I spent most of yesterday tidying and getting my room organised. La Camera della Lesbica. Indeed. (Karen will be most pleased to hear that I did this while dancing around to Tom Jones). I phoned the Johannesburg Buddhists and I am off to my first meeting on Thursday night.
It will take me a while to adjust. I am doing some temp work, helping my sister out at her canteen until the end of the week. Pocket money is always welcome. Next week I take care of the admin stuff with a trip to the SA passport office, the bank and the Italian Consulate.
What thrills me the most is that I am here for the birth of my friend Dori's first baby. Over the years I have missed out on so many important occasions, and now this is the first event I will be here for to lend support and to celebrate. In person!
I miss Sharon and the magical time we spent together.
I miss my cats, but now I have some new ones. My sister has 5 cats so it's not so bad. Fang, the kitten, made a point of sleeping on my head, my neck and my face last night. I woke up gasping for breath to find that I had a kitten balanced across my chin.
It's all new and a little overwhelming, but I am looking forward to this new life that lays ahead. And who knows? Perhaps I can convince Sharon to visit SA along with all my other UK and US friends.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
So Now I'm Back, From Outer Space...
Been a while. Miss me?
OK - time for a quick catch up. With less than a week to go for my departure to South Africa, and about two or three weeks between my last post and now, I am sure everyone's ready for some kind of update. Now, the post:
June has been a month of goodbyes. I have said goodbye to so many people and places the past four weeks and the hardest goodbye of all is still to come. I spent the whole of last week at Auntie Liz's cottage and chilled. I smoked, I drank, got stoned, I laughed, I healed. What a magnificent time I have had.
Sharon has been spending weekends with me and now, I am here in her home in Grimsby, about to enjoy a Chinese meal for two. And I am happy.
I will be arriving in Johannesburg on 15 July. Just myself and 20 kilos of luggage. No savings, no job, nothing. What better way to start one's life over? I am looking forward to it, and I am a little apprehensive. Max the Medicine Man has given me some herbs to help (side effects of which include making you really horny and intensifying orgasms - I can live with side effects like that).
Sharon and I intend to spend this week together and to savour each moment and enjoy what time we have. She is lovely, kind, generous and just what the Universe ordered. And I am happy.
Nothing in the Universe is random, and I believe that all of this has happened for a reason. What the reason is, I have no idea, but I am going to have fun finding out.
PS - also made it to the Stamford Riverside Festival with Sharon. AWESOME! Got sunburnt, though.
Been a while. Miss me?
OK - time for a quick catch up. With less than a week to go for my departure to South Africa, and about two or three weeks between my last post and now, I am sure everyone's ready for some kind of update. Now, the post:
June has been a month of goodbyes. I have said goodbye to so many people and places the past four weeks and the hardest goodbye of all is still to come. I spent the whole of last week at Auntie Liz's cottage and chilled. I smoked, I drank, got stoned, I laughed, I healed. What a magnificent time I have had.
Sharon has been spending weekends with me and now, I am here in her home in Grimsby, about to enjoy a Chinese meal for two. And I am happy.
I will be arriving in Johannesburg on 15 July. Just myself and 20 kilos of luggage. No savings, no job, nothing. What better way to start one's life over? I am looking forward to it, and I am a little apprehensive. Max the Medicine Man has given me some herbs to help (side effects of which include making you really horny and intensifying orgasms - I can live with side effects like that).
Sharon and I intend to spend this week together and to savour each moment and enjoy what time we have. She is lovely, kind, generous and just what the Universe ordered. And I am happy.
Nothing in the Universe is random, and I believe that all of this has happened for a reason. What the reason is, I have no idea, but I am going to have fun finding out.
PS - also made it to the Stamford Riverside Festival with Sharon. AWESOME! Got sunburnt, though.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Mercury is Retrograde, Full Moon Approaches...Time Marches On.
Almost there. La Casa is almost cleared of its clutter and furniture. There are no more pictures on the wall and the cats are gone. I am not sad. La Casa della Lesbica will always be wherever I am. It's my spirit. Admittedly, when i get to South Africa, all I will have is La Camera della Lesbica, but it's still the same spirit.
2 weeks, 5 days.
The time has gone by quickly, yet there are parts that seemed to have slowed down to allow months of living to take place in single moments. In just three weeks, I have longed, I have dreamed, I have loved and I have found my centre. I have, in a space of a few months, travelled through years, discovered secret gateways into my soul. I have both lost and found. I've invoked the power of the Universe and conversed with the dead. I have cut my ties and I have formed new ones. I was broken and then I became whole.
I feel I have lived an entire life in the space of just 6 months.
Mercury is retrograde in Cancer at the moment and this forces us to consider our emotional attachments and relationships. I certainly have done much thinking about this. I regret to say that I have no conclusions to draw as yet. Whenver Mercury is retrograde, it creates havoc with travel plans, communications and new projects. Never a good time to start something new when Mercury goes retrograde. Mercury turns direct again on 9 July.
Still, I am happy. I have not felt this confident or comfortable with the woman I am, ever. This is good.
Almost there. La Casa is almost cleared of its clutter and furniture. There are no more pictures on the wall and the cats are gone. I am not sad. La Casa della Lesbica will always be wherever I am. It's my spirit. Admittedly, when i get to South Africa, all I will have is La Camera della Lesbica, but it's still the same spirit.
2 weeks, 5 days.
The time has gone by quickly, yet there are parts that seemed to have slowed down to allow months of living to take place in single moments. In just three weeks, I have longed, I have dreamed, I have loved and I have found my centre. I have, in a space of a few months, travelled through years, discovered secret gateways into my soul. I have both lost and found. I've invoked the power of the Universe and conversed with the dead. I have cut my ties and I have formed new ones. I was broken and then I became whole.
I feel I have lived an entire life in the space of just 6 months.
Mercury is retrograde in Cancer at the moment and this forces us to consider our emotional attachments and relationships. I certainly have done much thinking about this. I regret to say that I have no conclusions to draw as yet. Whenver Mercury is retrograde, it creates havoc with travel plans, communications and new projects. Never a good time to start something new when Mercury goes retrograde. Mercury turns direct again on 9 July.
Still, I am happy. I have not felt this confident or comfortable with the woman I am, ever. This is good.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
So, Let Me Tell You About My Weekend
Saturday started well. I met my students in Stamford for a cup of coffee. They wanted to say goodbye to me. It was fantastic. We drank and chatted even while the rain poured down and the other coffee shop patrons ran for shelter. We, instead, opened up umbrellas and stayed at our table.
I then hopped onto a train to Doncaster. I sat next to a dark skinned man who smelled like lemon sherbert and who dozed quietly as we sped through the countryside.
Sharon, my new lover, met me at the station and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon and evening together: a drive to Cleethorpes and then on to a pub that had a view of the Humber Bridge. And we talked. We laughed. It felt amazingly good.
I opened myself to each memory as it was made and I can still feel the wind whipping through my hair as we sped across the motorway in Sharon's sporty little car with the roof down.
Sunday was gloriously lazy. Sharon drove me back to Stamford and we had dinner. I took her on a piss-poor tour of the town and we finished up in The George and enjoyed some tea in the company of a ginger cat named Harry. (Harry was named after the hotel gardener and not Prince Harry as we had supposed.)
I am happy.
Saturday started well. I met my students in Stamford for a cup of coffee. They wanted to say goodbye to me. It was fantastic. We drank and chatted even while the rain poured down and the other coffee shop patrons ran for shelter. We, instead, opened up umbrellas and stayed at our table.
I then hopped onto a train to Doncaster. I sat next to a dark skinned man who smelled like lemon sherbert and who dozed quietly as we sped through the countryside.
Sharon, my new lover, met me at the station and we enjoyed a lovely afternoon and evening together: a drive to Cleethorpes and then on to a pub that had a view of the Humber Bridge. And we talked. We laughed. It felt amazingly good.
I opened myself to each memory as it was made and I can still feel the wind whipping through my hair as we sped across the motorway in Sharon's sporty little car with the roof down.
Sunday was gloriously lazy. Sharon drove me back to Stamford and we had dinner. I took her on a piss-poor tour of the town and we finished up in The George and enjoyed some tea in the company of a ginger cat named Harry. (Harry was named after the hotel gardener and not Prince Harry as we had supposed.)
I am happy.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Some Advice I Once Got from My Dad...
(I am in the library. Why, in the name of all things holy and sacred, are library computers always so painfully slow?)
When I was about 12, I had a cat named Comet (this was 1986 and Haley's Comet was the Big Thing of the year). I got Comet out of the SPCA as a kitten. I saved up my pocket money and it wasn't much, but I donated all of it in order to have her.
She was a great little kitty. Black and white markings, crazy with such a lovely character and enthusiastic spirit. I only had her six months before she was knocked down by a car.
I was so devastated that she was dead. I remember crying bucket loads. It was winter time and I was sat in my pyjamas in front of the heater in my parents' room sobbing - and this was days after her death still. My dad came into the room (my mother may have sent him, though I am not sure) and asked me what was wrong.
"Daddy, I miss Comet. I loved her so much and now she is gone and I will never be happy ever again," I said between sobs and gasps for breath.
My Dad hugged me and gave me this advice: "You will be happy again, my hartjie. You'll see, in time you will be happy again. It will just take some time."
And time really is a healer, as cliched as that sounds. Time, and space. My Dad was right. In the Spring of that year, my cousin Lindsay's cat had kittens and amongst them was the pitch black little pixie I came to know and love as Nermal.
(I am in the library. Why, in the name of all things holy and sacred, are library computers always so painfully slow?)
When I was about 12, I had a cat named Comet (this was 1986 and Haley's Comet was the Big Thing of the year). I got Comet out of the SPCA as a kitten. I saved up my pocket money and it wasn't much, but I donated all of it in order to have her.
She was a great little kitty. Black and white markings, crazy with such a lovely character and enthusiastic spirit. I only had her six months before she was knocked down by a car.
I was so devastated that she was dead. I remember crying bucket loads. It was winter time and I was sat in my pyjamas in front of the heater in my parents' room sobbing - and this was days after her death still. My dad came into the room (my mother may have sent him, though I am not sure) and asked me what was wrong.
"Daddy, I miss Comet. I loved her so much and now she is gone and I will never be happy ever again," I said between sobs and gasps for breath.
My Dad hugged me and gave me this advice: "You will be happy again, my hartjie. You'll see, in time you will be happy again. It will just take some time."
And time really is a healer, as cliched as that sounds. Time, and space. My Dad was right. In the Spring of that year, my cousin Lindsay's cat had kittens and amongst them was the pitch black little pixie I came to know and love as Nermal.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I have taken a lover.
After a week of emailling, I met S this past weekend. She's a lovely woman - warm smile, nice eyes. Spent a weekend at Auntie Liz's cottage with her and went for a walk through the village and up through the field. Enjoyed a quiet and romantic dinner and a very lovely evening.
Seeing her again this weekend and will enjoy her company once more.
It's been a rare and wonderful time, for which I am so grateful to the Universe for blessing me with.
4 weeks and 4 days...
After a week of emailling, I met S this past weekend. She's a lovely woman - warm smile, nice eyes. Spent a weekend at Auntie Liz's cottage with her and went for a walk through the village and up through the field. Enjoyed a quiet and romantic dinner and a very lovely evening.
Seeing her again this weekend and will enjoy her company once more.
It's been a rare and wonderful time, for which I am so grateful to the Universe for blessing me with.
4 weeks and 4 days...
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Week That Was... and Now My Brain HURTS
I have a headache. Not the worst headache I've ever had, but still, a headache. It comes out of my shoulder and it's too late now to take the SupaMegaPainkilling Medicine that usually kills the shoulder-neck-headache trinity of pain. Arse.
This Week, I Have:
1. Vomited my rage out in an uncharacteristic fit of anger
2. Been pleasantly distracted by a lady who appeared unexpectedly on my radar
3. Done some serious soul searching
4. Performed a Buddhist apology (san gai - is that how you spell it, Si?)
5. Said goodbye to my creative writing students
And now, exhausted, I am going to be tramping upstairs in order to soak my weary body and pounding head in a hot bath. With BUBBLES.
I have a headache. Not the worst headache I've ever had, but still, a headache. It comes out of my shoulder and it's too late now to take the SupaMegaPainkilling Medicine that usually kills the shoulder-neck-headache trinity of pain. Arse.
This Week, I Have:
1. Vomited my rage out in an uncharacteristic fit of anger
2. Been pleasantly distracted by a lady who appeared unexpectedly on my radar
3. Done some serious soul searching
4. Performed a Buddhist apology (san gai - is that how you spell it, Si?)
5. Said goodbye to my creative writing students
And now, exhausted, I am going to be tramping upstairs in order to soak my weary body and pounding head in a hot bath. With BUBBLES.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Rehoming
I got home from work yesterday and discovered that Kate hadn't left for London as she had planned. The problem? She was meant to take Mischa back to London with her and couldn't get her into the travel cage. I wasn't prepared for a) seeing Kate and b) seeing Mischa (as I'd said my goodbyes yesterday morning.)
Half an hour after we finally Mischa into the cage and Kate had headed for the A1, my student Polly came over to collect Noodle. My two precious girls (Mischa and Noodle) are now in new homes and the house feels weird without them. I still have Luce and Tink and Zak, but not for long.
Helen, a fellow Buddhist, came round to chant last night, which made everything feel a lot better. There have been so many goodbyes this year and still some more to come, but right now I am focussing on rebuilding my life successfully. The chanting helped to reinforce that.
Lucifer and Tinkie will go back to London with Kate next Thursday and Zak will move in with our neighbour, Janet. That's all cats rehomed.
I've booked and paid for my ticket back to SA. I leave on 14 July, a new moon for new beginnings.
Tomorrow I move my stuff in to my friend Lin's house, which will be one of the places I'll be staying during June. I'll also stay a few nights at Auntie Liz's place to take the pressure off Lin and to have privacy when I need it. I'll be nipping back into the cottage during the week and weekends to clean up where I can, which I hope will be over and done with relatively quickly.
Kate comes back on Sunday night and Monday we'll spend the day going through one of the big storage cupboards and dumping a whole bunch of junk. Right now it's a process of space clearing and practical tasks.
Life is too short for bullshit.
I got home from work yesterday and discovered that Kate hadn't left for London as she had planned. The problem? She was meant to take Mischa back to London with her and couldn't get her into the travel cage. I wasn't prepared for a) seeing Kate and b) seeing Mischa (as I'd said my goodbyes yesterday morning.)
Half an hour after we finally Mischa into the cage and Kate had headed for the A1, my student Polly came over to collect Noodle. My two precious girls (Mischa and Noodle) are now in new homes and the house feels weird without them. I still have Luce and Tink and Zak, but not for long.
Helen, a fellow Buddhist, came round to chant last night, which made everything feel a lot better. There have been so many goodbyes this year and still some more to come, but right now I am focussing on rebuilding my life successfully. The chanting helped to reinforce that.
Lucifer and Tinkie will go back to London with Kate next Thursday and Zak will move in with our neighbour, Janet. That's all cats rehomed.
I've booked and paid for my ticket back to SA. I leave on 14 July, a new moon for new beginnings.
Tomorrow I move my stuff in to my friend Lin's house, which will be one of the places I'll be staying during June. I'll also stay a few nights at Auntie Liz's place to take the pressure off Lin and to have privacy when I need it. I'll be nipping back into the cottage during the week and weekends to clean up where I can, which I hope will be over and done with relatively quickly.
Kate comes back on Sunday night and Monday we'll spend the day going through one of the big storage cupboards and dumping a whole bunch of junk. Right now it's a process of space clearing and practical tasks.
Life is too short for bullshit.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I've turned my hand to some poetry over on Tastes Like Llama. I last wrote loads of poetry when I was about 20. I am no poet and most of it is crap, but that's fine. At least I am under no delusions that it's going to make me rich and famous.
Yesterday was my birthday. I am 34 years old now. It's a birthday I greeted with mixed feelings and as it turned out I had a reasonably good day. My friend Julie had agreed to give me a lift to a Buddhist women's meeting yesterday and I was treated to an unexpected birthday surprise: Julie's carer answering the door in nothing but a skimpy towel.
The day went well and I had a good time. I got a soul card from my friend Simon in Nottingham, CK One Summer from Julie, a cute handbag from my now ex-mother-in-law and a card from Kate.
I've also decided to return to South Africa on 14 July. I went to a travel agent yesterday but their systems were down so I couldn't book my ticket, so I'll have to go next weekend. Clearly the Universe wants me to wait one more week before I book the ticket.
I am coming home soon. My Auntie Carol said once that when a relationship ends, it's like a death and you must mourn it like a death. She also said there comes a time when you realise you've spent enough time crying about it and now, I have no more tears. I've paid my dues to pain and enough is enough and I want that pain right out of my life. This video says everything you need to know about how I feel right now.
Yesterday was my birthday. I am 34 years old now. It's a birthday I greeted with mixed feelings and as it turned out I had a reasonably good day. My friend Julie had agreed to give me a lift to a Buddhist women's meeting yesterday and I was treated to an unexpected birthday surprise: Julie's carer answering the door in nothing but a skimpy towel.
The day went well and I had a good time. I got a soul card from my friend Simon in Nottingham, CK One Summer from Julie, a cute handbag from my now ex-mother-in-law and a card from Kate.
I've also decided to return to South Africa on 14 July. I went to a travel agent yesterday but their systems were down so I couldn't book my ticket, so I'll have to go next weekend. Clearly the Universe wants me to wait one more week before I book the ticket.
I am coming home soon. My Auntie Carol said once that when a relationship ends, it's like a death and you must mourn it like a death. She also said there comes a time when you realise you've spent enough time crying about it and now, I have no more tears. I've paid my dues to pain and enough is enough and I want that pain right out of my life. This video says everything you need to know about how I feel right now.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
UPDATE
Little hamster Bo now has a new home with Gillian. Kate's taking Mischa, her sister is taking Lucifer and Tinkie and her Auntie is considering taking Noodle. Zakky will be taking up residence with our neighbour, Janet. Hooray! Kitties homed!
I'll be living between my friend Lin and Auntie Liz during June. We still have some sorting and chucking of stuff to do.
I am feeling a lot happier and stronger now. I do not doubt that this is the right thing for me to do, and I have been thinking about this a lot. There's greater clarity, and right now, Kate and I are able to talk things through very amicably and I believe that something has turned for me. This is a very good thing.
Now we need to sort through all the practical stuff. And that suits me because in a way, doing that is helping me in a big way.
I promise that soon there will be a post that's about something other than all this shit. I found a drawing I did while going through my things. It was of the Dangerdykes before they were Dangerdykes. Yes! There was a pre-Dangerdykes! And they were known as The Dyke Squad. Weirdly, this was before I even met Kate and the spooky thing is that the drawing looks a lot like Wondermole. I laughed when I uncovered it. Once I get it scanned, I'll post it.
And I am finding all kinds of weird shit that should have been chucked out ages ago. Ah well. At least all my rooting around hasn't turned up any corpses belonging to small animals. Yet.
Little hamster Bo now has a new home with Gillian. Kate's taking Mischa, her sister is taking Lucifer and Tinkie and her Auntie is considering taking Noodle. Zakky will be taking up residence with our neighbour, Janet. Hooray! Kitties homed!
I'll be living between my friend Lin and Auntie Liz during June. We still have some sorting and chucking of stuff to do.
I am feeling a lot happier and stronger now. I do not doubt that this is the right thing for me to do, and I have been thinking about this a lot. There's greater clarity, and right now, Kate and I are able to talk things through very amicably and I believe that something has turned for me. This is a very good thing.
Now we need to sort through all the practical stuff. And that suits me because in a way, doing that is helping me in a big way.
I promise that soon there will be a post that's about something other than all this shit. I found a drawing I did while going through my things. It was of the Dangerdykes before they were Dangerdykes. Yes! There was a pre-Dangerdykes! And they were known as The Dyke Squad. Weirdly, this was before I even met Kate and the spooky thing is that the drawing looks a lot like Wondermole. I laughed when I uncovered it. Once I get it scanned, I'll post it.
And I am finding all kinds of weird shit that should have been chucked out ages ago. Ah well. At least all my rooting around hasn't turned up any corpses belonging to small animals. Yet.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Truce!
Oy vey. So many comments on my last post. Sheesh. I wondered if I should actually say something about it all, but what the fuck, it's my blog so I'll say what I like.
Kate and I have declared a truce, and in fact, she warned me about the comment that she had made before I read it. I've left it up there because I am not a big fan of censorship. Thank you all for your comments and support. Including you, Kate.
I feel that the best way through this for myself is with strength and positivity, so I am not buying into the negative shit. It's what we Buddhists call Sansho Shima - the obstacles and devils that rise up to test you, particularly when you've made a decision that's right for your life. This negativity is a really good sign. It means I am on the right path.
I know that I am not the only one hurting here. I know that Kate is hurting too. It's not fun for either of us to be throwing four years of a life spent together away, and while healing will take time, I do think that we'll both be happier, stronger and certainly better people at the end of it. I am not excusing anything here. What I am saying is that there is a bigger picture and that Kate, too, is a Buddha.
The bigger picture is that while we are both caught up in the whole moving/house finding/cat rehoming thing, the waters will look murky to us and to those around us. When we talk about our situation to others, they will see the murk that we project, and that's ok. Whenever this gets me down, I remind myself that the beautiful lotus flower (hmm. maybe that will be my next tattoo?) grows in mud. I think of Kate, Bo and the cats as all having Buddha nature. While they may all infuriate me from time to time, or maybe even all the time, there is something deeper in all of us that exists: our true Buddha nature, hidden by a chemical cocktail, some water, electricity, blood, bone and flesh.
Both of us have a right to feel angry or sad or joyful and to tell the world about it. It doesn't detract from the fact that, in my book, that both of us have Buddhahood. Ultimately, I know that Kate and I will eventually lumber our way through this and with a little enlightenment from both our sides, we may even end up with the friendship that had underpinned the relationship that we shared. Without that friendship, I doubt we would have made it this far. Nor would we have been able to spend 25 minutes this afternoon discussing the fate of our children.
I am sure that you might think I am off my trolley and I've lost it completely. Of course I feel hurt and angry and upset. Of course I have told my friends that I have felt that way. I am sure Kate has done the same. As would you.
For both of us this has been a painful process in different ways. It is my aim to handle all of this with dignity and compassion because what I am aware of is that I am dealing with illusions. When the pain rises, I deal with it. When the anger rises, I vent it. Kate, I am sure, will tell you that she does the same. Those closest to us will have seen us at our worse this past week. and that too is okay.
The challenge for both of us is to come out the other side better, stronger and more in control of our lives and responsibilities. That's the way I see it. The point is to break through the illusion of the murky pond and to emerge as the beautiful lotus flowers we both are. We may not share the same pond, but we are still lotus flowers.
Oy vey. So many comments on my last post. Sheesh. I wondered if I should actually say something about it all, but what the fuck, it's my blog so I'll say what I like.
Kate and I have declared a truce, and in fact, she warned me about the comment that she had made before I read it. I've left it up there because I am not a big fan of censorship. Thank you all for your comments and support. Including you, Kate.
I feel that the best way through this for myself is with strength and positivity, so I am not buying into the negative shit. It's what we Buddhists call Sansho Shima - the obstacles and devils that rise up to test you, particularly when you've made a decision that's right for your life. This negativity is a really good sign. It means I am on the right path.
I know that I am not the only one hurting here. I know that Kate is hurting too. It's not fun for either of us to be throwing four years of a life spent together away, and while healing will take time, I do think that we'll both be happier, stronger and certainly better people at the end of it. I am not excusing anything here. What I am saying is that there is a bigger picture and that Kate, too, is a Buddha.
The bigger picture is that while we are both caught up in the whole moving/house finding/cat rehoming thing, the waters will look murky to us and to those around us. When we talk about our situation to others, they will see the murk that we project, and that's ok. Whenever this gets me down, I remind myself that the beautiful lotus flower (hmm. maybe that will be my next tattoo?) grows in mud. I think of Kate, Bo and the cats as all having Buddha nature. While they may all infuriate me from time to time, or maybe even all the time, there is something deeper in all of us that exists: our true Buddha nature, hidden by a chemical cocktail, some water, electricity, blood, bone and flesh.
Both of us have a right to feel angry or sad or joyful and to tell the world about it. It doesn't detract from the fact that, in my book, that both of us have Buddhahood. Ultimately, I know that Kate and I will eventually lumber our way through this and with a little enlightenment from both our sides, we may even end up with the friendship that had underpinned the relationship that we shared. Without that friendship, I doubt we would have made it this far. Nor would we have been able to spend 25 minutes this afternoon discussing the fate of our children.
I am sure that you might think I am off my trolley and I've lost it completely. Of course I feel hurt and angry and upset. Of course I have told my friends that I have felt that way. I am sure Kate has done the same. As would you.
For both of us this has been a painful process in different ways. It is my aim to handle all of this with dignity and compassion because what I am aware of is that I am dealing with illusions. When the pain rises, I deal with it. When the anger rises, I vent it. Kate, I am sure, will tell you that she does the same. Those closest to us will have seen us at our worse this past week. and that too is okay.
The challenge for both of us is to come out the other side better, stronger and more in control of our lives and responsibilities. That's the way I see it. The point is to break through the illusion of the murky pond and to emerge as the beautiful lotus flowers we both are. We may not share the same pond, but we are still lotus flowers.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Decisions Made.
I have made a really tough decision today. Tougher still because although I am moving towards a new start and being in a place where I feel I can move on, I am also leaving behind a piece of me.
I am returning to South Africa. Hopefully in June.
I am fully aware of the impact this decision will have on the lives of those who I leave behind, and the cats. This wasn't something that was easy to decide. It has just been another painful barb in the chain that has begun the year.
On the other hand, I am also relieved and looking forward to being reunited with family and friends.
It's a strange mix of joy and pain that this has brought. I know I have made the decision from the centre of my life, so I know it's the right thing to do.
And regardless of what you may think, Kate, I still love you.
I have made a really tough decision today. Tougher still because although I am moving towards a new start and being in a place where I feel I can move on, I am also leaving behind a piece of me.
I am returning to South Africa. Hopefully in June.
I am fully aware of the impact this decision will have on the lives of those who I leave behind, and the cats. This wasn't something that was easy to decide. It has just been another painful barb in the chain that has begun the year.
On the other hand, I am also relieved and looking forward to being reunited with family and friends.
It's a strange mix of joy and pain that this has brought. I know I have made the decision from the centre of my life, so I know it's the right thing to do.
And regardless of what you may think, Kate, I still love you.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
JOY
Today is the first time in five months that I have felt joy again. It was a bit of a surprise, actually.
I caught myself smiling while I was working this morning and realised that no matter what I choose or how I decide to live my life, it's all going to be okay.
This is a relief because I have spent more than a month in the most excrutiating emotional agony, which I have not really wanted to share. I feel like my life has been a living out of the tarot card, Ten of Swords.
This is what the web says about the card: The Ten of Swords portends a difficult experience of loss or release, but a new awareness and a positive sense of relief that the difficulty is finally finished will eventually follow the pain of this experience. Though this card may seem negative at first glance, it is a card of hope and an indication that our troubles will not be permanent.
The Ten of Swords appears to be a card of terrible misfortune, but, surprisingly, it often represents troubles that are more melodramatic than real. The man on this card has quite a few swords in his back.... When one disaster follows another, we feel devastated at first, but eventually we throw up our hands up and laugh. It's so bad, it's funny! In films, the hero says, "What else could possibly go wrong?" and we know a bucket of water is about to fall on his head. When you see the Ten of Swords, know that the last bucket has fallen, and you can expect a turn for the better.
Well, things are turning. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon and cried so hard I couldn't chant. I have felt a visceral pain well up from inside me and I have cried like a child, loudly, howling. I have sat in front of my Gohonzon with anger inside me that felt like I had been pierced through by ten hot knives.
I am not saying that I am not going to ever feel those things again, but it seems as though the pain has ebbed and now there is clarity.
Through this journey I have come to stand in the centre of my life. I am so grateful to all those things and circumstances that engineered this. I am so happy that I have had all of this to deal with because ultimately I am going to be standing strong and victorious.
And that's what this year is all about, isn't it? The year of advancement and victory.
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