Red Interviews Tanya
How does your temperament reflect the typical characteristics of your star sign?
I think I am pretty much a Gemini. I have loads of Gemini in my chart, and absolutely no earth signs in my chart. This means I have nothing to ground me and I spend a lot of time living in my head and more than one person has told me that I think too much. I place a lot of emphasis on communication, which is a very Gemini trait. I am also born in the year of the Ox, and I possess a great deal of the Ox qualities too. I think that some of the Ox influence acts as grounding to the Gemini flightiness. But, I can be contradictory and indecisive. And I get bored very quickly.
Do you have a favourite cat breed? Which is it, and why?
My favourite cat breed is the common garden variety accidental mix. I wouldn't want a cat with a pedigree as long as my arm. I think that regular cats are far more psychic. Yes. I did say psychic. And they are not prone to diseases that run through the pedigreed sort. I love cats, all cats, but I prefer the ones that have not been engineered.
Is England home for you these days or do you think you'll want to go back to South Africa one day?
I think that going back to South Africa will happen some day. Home really is where the heart is and it has nothing to do with going back to my roots. It's going back to my heart. It will be some time yet before I can even contemplate this because I have debts to pay and a life to get back on its feet. Ask me again in two years. But South Africa is definitely still home.
Dating: do you prefer to be asked out or to be the one doing the asking?
Oooh. I don't know. I like doing the asking, but I also like being asked. There's less risk of being rejected if I am asked, but I like to make someone feel special. Either way, if she's a lovely person and I want to spend time with her, I don't mind who does the asking.
Do you like your first name? Were other names considered for you at birth?
I like my first name. As a child I had problems saying "Tanya" and so named myself "Tammy". My family still call me Tammy. Only family, however, get to do that. I hate it when someone outside of family calls me Tammy, unless I feel comfortable with them to such a degree that they are like family. Tam or Tammy is a lot more familiar to me and until I went to primary school, I believed that was my name. My parents had to explain to me that people would be calling me Tanya and that Tanya was really my name. It was a little weird being Tanya in the beginning. Only the people in South Africa call me Tammy. I hate being called "Tan". Taz and T are very acceptable.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Update Time, Everyone....
So.
I have been running around to all kinds of job interviews. Been interviewed for a job I know I will turn down and for one that I could see myself doing, and it will be OK, but nothing that will really blow my hair back. Had a phone message today from the Your Cat Magazine people. I must give them a call tomorrow. Let's hope it's for an interview and not to tell me to stop sending my damn CV to them every time they advertise a job. AND if it IS an interview, let's hope I get the job because THAT, my friends, will indeed blow my hair back.
A nice employment agency has managed to find me some temp work in the meantime. I have spent the last two days responding to emails from random people who can't log in on the company's website, with instructions on how they can do so. Not blowing my hair back, but most certainly, there will be a few coins in the coffers once this is all over and done.
Tomorrow night I begin teaching the first Advanced Creative Writing Class. GO ME! Looking forward to that.
I am, however, emotionally exhausted. I hadn't really felt the grief for my Dad's death until about a week ago, when I lost something else that seemed safe and familiar in my life. Now I intend to get back onto my feet and save as much as I can, pay off as much as I can and head off on a little weekend somewhere on my own. Like a spa or retreat. Or this place. Or maybe this place. Failing all that, my friend Fiona in London is keen that we get together, so I might head down to London and spend time with her. Regardless, I feel I need a break. I feel I need a little time away from everything to recharge the old batteries and restore my faith in life and in love.
So.
I have been running around to all kinds of job interviews. Been interviewed for a job I know I will turn down and for one that I could see myself doing, and it will be OK, but nothing that will really blow my hair back. Had a phone message today from the Your Cat Magazine people. I must give them a call tomorrow. Let's hope it's for an interview and not to tell me to stop sending my damn CV to them every time they advertise a job. AND if it IS an interview, let's hope I get the job because THAT, my friends, will indeed blow my hair back.
A nice employment agency has managed to find me some temp work in the meantime. I have spent the last two days responding to emails from random people who can't log in on the company's website, with instructions on how they can do so. Not blowing my hair back, but most certainly, there will be a few coins in the coffers once this is all over and done.
Tomorrow night I begin teaching the first Advanced Creative Writing Class. GO ME! Looking forward to that.
I am, however, emotionally exhausted. I hadn't really felt the grief for my Dad's death until about a week ago, when I lost something else that seemed safe and familiar in my life. Now I intend to get back onto my feet and save as much as I can, pay off as much as I can and head off on a little weekend somewhere on my own. Like a spa or retreat. Or this place. Or maybe this place. Failing all that, my friend Fiona in London is keen that we get together, so I might head down to London and spend time with her. Regardless, I feel I need a break. I feel I need a little time away from everything to recharge the old batteries and restore my faith in life and in love.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
On Dating and Relationships (in General)
I started writing a novel about a woman who in one fell swoop loses her lover, her job and her home. (I do think it's funny that life is imitating art in a way) As a result, I've been thinking a great deal about relationships and how we hand ourselves to other people and all that's involved with that.
I came up with a stream of thought that I think I will definitely include in the book, but which I think is worth sharing out here.
It goes a little something like this (from the novel in progress by Tanya O):
WARNING: What follows is first draft material
At some point I will have to go out there. I will have to meet that woman that someone thinks is perfect for me, go to that club, go to that dinner, which is nothing more than a match making set up.
The thing is that I don't want to. It's not that I am afraid of meeting people. It's not that. I'm just someone who is a lot more comfortable with the part of a relationship that feels familiar and safe.
I'll explain: at the beginning of a relationship, you have all this excitement and sparkle. It's a bit of a high as you explore each other. Sounds like magic, but that's the part I am not looking forward to at all.
What I miss, is that secret language you come up with for your relationship. That part of the relationship in which you know every knot and groove of her life and on her body. You've learned the short cuts to make her laugh, to get her to talk to you, to get her turned on. It's a degree of intimacy that has become as natural as breathing. The way in which she curves her body around yours at night. Not looking for where the grooves are, but knowing.
I don't want to have to tell my stories to someone else as though I have never told them to anyone before. I don't want to have to learn a new language and new short cuts and have to try to find the knots and grooves in someone else's life.
I started writing a novel about a woman who in one fell swoop loses her lover, her job and her home. (I do think it's funny that life is imitating art in a way) As a result, I've been thinking a great deal about relationships and how we hand ourselves to other people and all that's involved with that.
I came up with a stream of thought that I think I will definitely include in the book, but which I think is worth sharing out here.
It goes a little something like this (from the novel in progress by Tanya O):
WARNING: What follows is first draft material
At some point I will have to go out there. I will have to meet that woman that someone thinks is perfect for me, go to that club, go to that dinner, which is nothing more than a match making set up.
The thing is that I don't want to. It's not that I am afraid of meeting people. It's not that. I'm just someone who is a lot more comfortable with the part of a relationship that feels familiar and safe.
I'll explain: at the beginning of a relationship, you have all this excitement and sparkle. It's a bit of a high as you explore each other. Sounds like magic, but that's the part I am not looking forward to at all.
What I miss, is that secret language you come up with for your relationship. That part of the relationship in which you know every knot and groove of her life and on her body. You've learned the short cuts to make her laugh, to get her to talk to you, to get her turned on. It's a degree of intimacy that has become as natural as breathing. The way in which she curves her body around yours at night. Not looking for where the grooves are, but knowing.
I don't want to have to tell my stories to someone else as though I have never told them to anyone before. I don't want to have to learn a new language and new short cuts and have to try to find the knots and grooves in someone else's life.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Life in the Rutland Countryside
My favourite village sign is the one indicating Viking Way, which is a public footpath. The name, for some reason, just tickles me.
As you leave the village, you can see more of these open fields, which every year are planted with rape. These lovely little yellow flowers are gorgeous, and I always feel happy when they make their appearance in the spring. Problem is that these same flowers are responsible for setting off my hayfever and I spend spring and summer sniffling and
sneezing and looking like I've been punched in the face as a result.
Long overdue post, this.
I recently took a little walk around the village and snapped a few pictures for the viewing pleasure of you, my readers and friends.
Despite what the sign says, very few people drive carefully through the village. Something about country roads seems to bring out the maniac in many drivers.
There are quite a few ducks in the village. There's a little stream that runs through it, which encourages water fowl. The sign I took a picture of is not as entertaining as the one entering the village off the A1. It has the picture of 
the duck and a notice proclaiming "Wild Fowl".
Needless to say that the ducks wander quite casually across the road or up and down the lanes. There have been a few duck related tragedies due to this nonchalance, but luckily not too many.
the duck and a notice proclaiming "Wild Fowl".Needless to say that the ducks wander quite casually across the road or up and down the lanes. There have been a few duck related tragedies due to this nonchalance, but luckily not too many.
My favourite village sign is the one indicating Viking Way, which is a public footpath. The name, for some reason, just tickles me.
I've gone for a walk up Viking Way several times. It's a lovely ramble. Viking Way is quite narrow at first, but leads up to some gorgeous open fields. I have always loved being close to nature, and living out here where there are some superb walks is a true blessing.
As you leave the village, you can see more of these open fields, which every year are planted with rape. These lovely little yellow flowers are gorgeous, and I always feel happy when they make their appearance in the spring. Problem is that these same flowers are responsible for setting off my hayfever and I spend spring and summer sniffling and
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Tabula Rasa
Clean slates and blank pages hold great potential and excitement for me, but they can be terrifying. Especially if you don't know what you would like to start over with. Or where to begin.
Again, I think of the forest fires that hit South Africa's Garden Route every now and again. They take with them hundreds of years of plant and animal life, leaving nothing but scorched ground. Black, ugly, singed ground.
In 1996 I visited the Tsitsikamma region just after one of the big forest fires. Driving past these blackened areas I spotted sprigs of green coming up through the earth.
A clean slate, a new beginning is a bit like that black ground after a forest fire. At first glance, it reveals nothing but devastation, disaster and pain. But if you look closer, there is hope. That complete annihilation has made way for something new and beautiful.
At these point, my clean slate looks like the scorched ground. But this morning, I spotted the first sprig of something green and hopeful coming up out of the ground.
Clean slates and blank pages hold great potential and excitement for me, but they can be terrifying. Especially if you don't know what you would like to start over with. Or where to begin.
Again, I think of the forest fires that hit South Africa's Garden Route every now and again. They take with them hundreds of years of plant and animal life, leaving nothing but scorched ground. Black, ugly, singed ground.
In 1996 I visited the Tsitsikamma region just after one of the big forest fires. Driving past these blackened areas I spotted sprigs of green coming up through the earth.
A clean slate, a new beginning is a bit like that black ground after a forest fire. At first glance, it reveals nothing but devastation, disaster and pain. But if you look closer, there is hope. That complete annihilation has made way for something new and beautiful.
At these point, my clean slate looks like the scorched ground. But this morning, I spotted the first sprig of something green and hopeful coming up out of the ground.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
A Cat in the Ointment
Over the years I have accumulated a great deal of experience in administering pills to cats. During this time, I have learned that there are three ways in which this can be accomplished:
a) crush pill, mix with food
b) place whole pill in tasty treat such as salmon or cheese
c) place pill on cat's tongue, close its mouth and wait for it to swallow
I've used these methods with varying degrees of success. In the process I have discovered that not all methods work for all cats, and one method that used successfully won't necessarily work on the same cat more than once.
I am now in the position where I can confidently declare that I would choose giving a cat a pill over trying to get ointment onto its eye.
I have had my arms shredded to ribbons by a less than compliant Zak each time I've had to put the ointment in his eye. I tried Kate's method, which is to put the ointment onto tissue and wipe the eye. This resulted in a struggle between cat and human and I did no more than smear the ointment on Zak's cheek. This will clearly not help to clear up his eye.
The bastard vet made it look so easy, and Zak was too stunned to protest. I guess that having a thermometer shoved up your bum would do that. Also the vet had me holding Zak so that he was out of claw's way when he did it.
What makes it worse is that the other cats have decided that I am a bit of a meanie for trying to stick something in Zakky's eye, and all but Mischa are giving me the cold shoulder.
So... I have one cat to give away to a lucky reader - tube of ointment comes free.*
*this statement is not necessarily true.
Over the years I have accumulated a great deal of experience in administering pills to cats. During this time, I have learned that there are three ways in which this can be accomplished:
a) crush pill, mix with food
b) place whole pill in tasty treat such as salmon or cheese
c) place pill on cat's tongue, close its mouth and wait for it to swallow
I've used these methods with varying degrees of success. In the process I have discovered that not all methods work for all cats, and one method that used successfully won't necessarily work on the same cat more than once.
I am now in the position where I can confidently declare that I would choose giving a cat a pill over trying to get ointment onto its eye.
I have had my arms shredded to ribbons by a less than compliant Zak each time I've had to put the ointment in his eye. I tried Kate's method, which is to put the ointment onto tissue and wipe the eye. This resulted in a struggle between cat and human and I did no more than smear the ointment on Zak's cheek. This will clearly not help to clear up his eye.
The bastard vet made it look so easy, and Zak was too stunned to protest. I guess that having a thermometer shoved up your bum would do that. Also the vet had me holding Zak so that he was out of claw's way when he did it.
What makes it worse is that the other cats have decided that I am a bit of a meanie for trying to stick something in Zakky's eye, and all but Mischa are giving me the cold shoulder.
So... I have one cat to give away to a lucky reader - tube of ointment comes free.*
*this statement is not necessarily true.
Monday, April 16, 2007
It's Monday... So Here's An Update
I had acupuncture this morning from the physio. All at the expense of the NHS. Bonus! The needles did not hurt going into the skin, but they did hurt when the physiotherapist twizzled them a couple of times. They just felt a little achy while they were in. My shoulder is overjoyed. She told me I would probably only feel any effect after 3 treatments, but by the time I got into my car, my shoulder pain had eased off to such a degree that I felt like it was almost restored to normal! I go for another session next week. The Universe has been very generous to me in this regard. I really feel this is the way to help my shoulder and I do not regret this decision at all. The little bit of pain and ache I felt while she turned the needles was worth the relief I feel now.
Took Zak to the vet this morning as well. Nice little South African guy. Is it just me, or are vets far more compassionate than regular human-treating doctors? I don't think it's because you PAY a vet. I've paid doctors too when I lived in SA. I guess it's different if you are following your passion than if you are just a clever person who thought that med school would be a nice idea. Not to say there aren't any human treating doctors out there who aren't passionate about what they are doing. I think that the NHS kills whatever passion many people first felt entering the medical profession.
Regardless, I can report that Zakky definitely has conjunctivitis and he got an antibiotic injection and a little tube of ointment for his eye. He already looks better and is in much better spirits now that it probably doesn't itch as much. He's outside following Lucifer around.
Took some photos yesterday, which I will post later on. I have job applications to fill out and an article to send off to a magazine, so I best get on with doing that.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Yech.
The bottom fell out today.
I had a rough night and a sleep that pulled me from one disturbing dream to the next and when I woke up this morning I couldn't find the happiness switch on my life. Arse.
Little Zak looks like he has conjunctivitis again and his bottom lip looks all swollen. Poor miserable little poppet. I will be running him to the vet tomorrow and to sweeten the blow I bought a couple of cans of tuna. It's awful when one of the cats gets ill and I really feel for him. Bless his little velvet paws.
I have my physio appointment at 8:30am tomorrow. I get to enjoy the wonders of acupuncture - woo! I have never felt happier about needles before. Today, the shoulder is agony and I had a moment where I felt it would be wonderful if I could just cut it off and get a new one.
Enthusiasm and the joy thing have drained away from me and I found myself alone on the couch with a cup of coffee, sobbing like a three year old. It was bound to happen at some point, though. Best to get the crap out of the way so that a path is cleared for the good stuff.
Here's the horoscope for Gemini this coming week:
There is a New Moon in Aries in your social zone on Tuesday, TANYA, which allows you to make a fresh start in this area. If you have been pining to join any particular clubs or groups or have felt the urge to take part in any networking events, then this is a great time to do so. You have two weeks to get going and will also be able to tap into the power of the waxing Moon herself. See it like planting seeds, in that as you sow, so shall you reap. On Thursday, Saturn will turn direct, and this is going to help you make greater progress in the area of communications. You may have been through a period of soul-searching, and the discoveries you have made about the way you mind works will now begin to pay off. You will notice yourself making greater progress. The Sun trines Pluto on Thursday, which may coincide with a powerful meeting that will bring about changes in your life in one way or another. Someone will change the way you feel about yourself. Mercury is also helping you to socialize and start up some creative conversations. But on Saturday, you may find yourself suffering from a sense of emotional paralysis concerning whether to get to know someone better or not.
Period of soul-searching is about accurate.
I feel quite alone and adrift. I am not sure what my next step should be, but I know that stepping down from the challenges is not an option. I have to see myself as strong and capable, even if I don't feel like that right at this moment. I will not accept defeat. Yeah, I may feel like shit right now, but I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I can turn this around and experience my joy again.
All of these things are only temporary - except for my Dad. I think my Dad's death is pretty much a permanent thing, despite dreaming that he is alive and well again as I have done each night the past week.
And that's the shit thing. I dream that he is alive, that his illness has been cured. He has come up to me in the middle of Stamford High Street in one of my dreams, with a massive smile on his face, wearing his suit (Dad never went out without a jacket and tie). He gave me a massive hug and looked so very happy to see me and when I woke up, I remembered he was dead and that I won't ever bump into him again anywhere. And that sucks.
All of the other shit pales in comparison to the loss of my father. I feel I let him down in some way by not being there in South Africa for him.
Still, I must remember that the Lotus flower grows in mud. If something as beautiful as a lotus flower can come out of mud, then something beautiful can come out of the shit of my life.
The bottom fell out today.
I had a rough night and a sleep that pulled me from one disturbing dream to the next and when I woke up this morning I couldn't find the happiness switch on my life. Arse.
Little Zak looks like he has conjunctivitis again and his bottom lip looks all swollen. Poor miserable little poppet. I will be running him to the vet tomorrow and to sweeten the blow I bought a couple of cans of tuna. It's awful when one of the cats gets ill and I really feel for him. Bless his little velvet paws.
I have my physio appointment at 8:30am tomorrow. I get to enjoy the wonders of acupuncture - woo! I have never felt happier about needles before. Today, the shoulder is agony and I had a moment where I felt it would be wonderful if I could just cut it off and get a new one.
Enthusiasm and the joy thing have drained away from me and I found myself alone on the couch with a cup of coffee, sobbing like a three year old. It was bound to happen at some point, though. Best to get the crap out of the way so that a path is cleared for the good stuff.
Here's the horoscope for Gemini this coming week:
There is a New Moon in Aries in your social zone on Tuesday, TANYA, which allows you to make a fresh start in this area. If you have been pining to join any particular clubs or groups or have felt the urge to take part in any networking events, then this is a great time to do so. You have two weeks to get going and will also be able to tap into the power of the waxing Moon herself. See it like planting seeds, in that as you sow, so shall you reap. On Thursday, Saturn will turn direct, and this is going to help you make greater progress in the area of communications. You may have been through a period of soul-searching, and the discoveries you have made about the way you mind works will now begin to pay off. You will notice yourself making greater progress. The Sun trines Pluto on Thursday, which may coincide with a powerful meeting that will bring about changes in your life in one way or another. Someone will change the way you feel about yourself. Mercury is also helping you to socialize and start up some creative conversations. But on Saturday, you may find yourself suffering from a sense of emotional paralysis concerning whether to get to know someone better or not.
Period of soul-searching is about accurate.
I feel quite alone and adrift. I am not sure what my next step should be, but I know that stepping down from the challenges is not an option. I have to see myself as strong and capable, even if I don't feel like that right at this moment. I will not accept defeat. Yeah, I may feel like shit right now, but I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I can turn this around and experience my joy again.
All of these things are only temporary - except for my Dad. I think my Dad's death is pretty much a permanent thing, despite dreaming that he is alive and well again as I have done each night the past week.
And that's the shit thing. I dream that he is alive, that his illness has been cured. He has come up to me in the middle of Stamford High Street in one of my dreams, with a massive smile on his face, wearing his suit (Dad never went out without a jacket and tie). He gave me a massive hug and looked so very happy to see me and when I woke up, I remembered he was dead and that I won't ever bump into him again anywhere. And that sucks.
All of the other shit pales in comparison to the loss of my father. I feel I let him down in some way by not being there in South Africa for him.
Still, I must remember that the Lotus flower grows in mud. If something as beautiful as a lotus flower can come out of mud, then something beautiful can come out of the shit of my life.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Another Book, Another Day...
I have finished another book! Hooray! Go me. I have completed reading 6 books and now I am only 4 short of my reading target for 2007. I am not planning to slack off in any way.
I spent much of my day in the garden playing with the cats. I feel really good about myself and about life.
I have finished another book! Hooray! Go me. I have completed reading 6 books and now I am only 4 short of my reading target for 2007. I am not planning to slack off in any way.
I spent much of my day in the garden playing with the cats. I feel really good about myself and about life.
Right now, the main thrust of my life has been concerned with creating and maintaining a deeper sense of the spiritual, and in living in the NOW. Today, while I chilled out in the garden, I was reminded of how beautiful life is and that the things I believed to be important, were not important at all.
I lay on my back for a while and it felt as though the earth was giving me a big hug. Yes, I know I sound like a hippy (shoo-waaah-hey) but who cares? If it feels good and it makes me feel strong and supported and loved, and it's harming no one, I will do it!
Eckart Tolle is so right when he says that your whole perspective shifts when you start living in the NOW. There is only this moment and for me, it is a wonderful moment, in which I am deeply grateful for everything I have in my life, for my life itself and also for the hardships because through them I have grown and learned.
Life is indeed good.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Update
It is now time for me to get my head out of the clouds and pick my heart up off the floor and put out an update.
One Week Challenge
The one week challenge (to draw or paint something every day for a week) was derailled by circumstances beyond my control. What I like to call the Oh Fuck or Oh My God principal. (By definition, these means that something shitty has happened and I am running about like a blue arsed chicken). I will, however, try to do the challenge this coming week.
La Casa della Corpse
There have been several wild life tragedies in the past four days. This kind of thing happens when you share your home with 5 serial killers. In the past four days, we have had the pleasure of removing several corpses: four field mice, two birds and one (bizarrely) dead leaf. We know that Zak was responsible for the deaths of two field mice (and judging by the fact he was looking a bit off colour, he most likely ate a third) and that Noodle was responsible for one bird and one field mouse. Oh the bloody joys of bloody spring.
Kate Plays the Drums... Again...
Kate's been playing the drums again. She's put a video up on her blog. Go along and have a look and leave a comment.
The Job Hunt
The employment agencies have told me that it's a quiet period. I have sent CVs out all over the place. And today, I am applying for an ambitious position: that of sub-editor for THIS magazine. I cannot imagine a job better suited to me than this. Still trying to remain positive, but the past few days have been difficult ones. I am sure that things will work out. Time and sweat.
Life
It would be so easy for me to fall into the life sucks mode right now. That's not going to accomplish anything and it's certainly not the person I've become. Sansho shima, we call it in Nichiren Buddhism. Obstacles thrown up by the devils and demons, which, in Buddhism, are really your own inner negativity and not actually real boogeymen like in Christianity.
The fact that so much has changed in just a short space of time does demand a price, though. Needless to say that under the circumstances both Kate and I are doing well and we are not being nasty about things. In fact, we're getting on better now than we did together! There is no anger there. And that makes things easier.
It is now time for me to get my head out of the clouds and pick my heart up off the floor and put out an update.
One Week Challenge
The one week challenge (to draw or paint something every day for a week) was derailled by circumstances beyond my control. What I like to call the Oh Fuck or Oh My God principal. (By definition, these means that something shitty has happened and I am running about like a blue arsed chicken). I will, however, try to do the challenge this coming week.
La Casa della Corpse
There have been several wild life tragedies in the past four days. This kind of thing happens when you share your home with 5 serial killers. In the past four days, we have had the pleasure of removing several corpses: four field mice, two birds and one (bizarrely) dead leaf. We know that Zak was responsible for the deaths of two field mice (and judging by the fact he was looking a bit off colour, he most likely ate a third) and that Noodle was responsible for one bird and one field mouse. Oh the bloody joys of bloody spring.
Kate Plays the Drums... Again...
Kate's been playing the drums again. She's put a video up on her blog. Go along and have a look and leave a comment.
The Job Hunt
The employment agencies have told me that it's a quiet period. I have sent CVs out all over the place. And today, I am applying for an ambitious position: that of sub-editor for THIS magazine. I cannot imagine a job better suited to me than this. Still trying to remain positive, but the past few days have been difficult ones. I am sure that things will work out. Time and sweat.
Life
It would be so easy for me to fall into the life sucks mode right now. That's not going to accomplish anything and it's certainly not the person I've become. Sansho shima, we call it in Nichiren Buddhism. Obstacles thrown up by the devils and demons, which, in Buddhism, are really your own inner negativity and not actually real boogeymen like in Christianity.
The fact that so much has changed in just a short space of time does demand a price, though. Needless to say that under the circumstances both Kate and I are doing well and we are not being nasty about things. In fact, we're getting on better now than we did together! There is no anger there. And that makes things easier.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
It's All A Dream...
Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my favourite writers and teachers. His teachings are very strongly matched Buddhist philosophy. He sets forward the idea that we create our own reality through "dreaming" our lives into existence. Everything that we have in our lives is there because we dreamed it into existence.
This echoes the Buddhist teaching of cause and effect, which is strongly linked with Karma. All that we have now, we have created ourselves. We have drawn experiences into our lives through making various causes - positive and negative - and this creates certain effects in our lives. Our present day lives reflect the causes that we have made in the past, and if we choose to change the circumstances we have for the future, we must change the causes that we are making now.
My friend Mark recently introduced me to The Secret, which again is aligned with Buddhist philosophy. It takes the concept of cause and effect further, stating that our thoughts are energy and the Universe responds to that energy frequency and gives us what we are thinking about. Worried about debt? Notice how the more you worry about the debt, the worse it gets? The Universe doesn't discriminate. It takes the signal that you are focussing on the debt, and sends you more.
In the Buddhist tradition, we create causes that bring about our debt, or relationship, or job situation. Similar principal.
Often we don't realise that we play an active part from day to day with the creation of our lives. We get to choose who we associate with. We choose how to react to things. We choose to focus on a particular emotion and become consumed by it. Our days are filled with choices, yet most of our time is spent reacting to others, rather than taking an active role in our life state.
This is the difference between engaging with your own life and letting life simply happen to you. Most of us have bought into the illusion that we are powerless to effect change in our lives. We are taught as children that we are naughty, no good, hopeless or only good at certain things. Buying into these illusions is what Don Miguel calls making agreements.
The great thing about it all is that you DO have a choice. You do get to create your own future, your own world, your own dream. We all have the ability to manifest the lives we truly want. I believe that what it takes is belief, sweat and a little time and you can create anything you want within your life.
My father's recent passing reminded me that our time on this plain is limited. It has served as a signpost for what is TRULY important in my life and to me. This moment is all we have. Make it a wonderful moment.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Splitsville
Things have changed at La Casa Della Lesbica. We have decisions to make, things to do. Sadly, all things must eventually come to an end.
I will let Rodrguez speak for me here:
If there was a word
But magic's absurd
I'd make one dream come true.
It didn't work out
But don't ever doubt
How I felt about you.
But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.
Things have changed at La Casa Della Lesbica. We have decisions to make, things to do. Sadly, all things must eventually come to an end.
I will let Rodrguez speak for me here:
If there was a word
But magic's absurd
I'd make one dream come true.
It didn't work out
But don't ever doubt
How I felt about you.
But thanks for your time
Then you can thank me for mine
And after that's said
Forget it.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
This video says it all.
Here are the lyrics for those who have never heard Henry Ate's song, Just, before.
JUST
(Henry Ate – Slap in the Face 1996)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1996) Ate Publishing
Lately I’ve been thinking what if I was wrong
And the world never meant you and I to belong
We’d have wasted so much time building castles in the sky
Only to watch them all fall down
Would it be all of our dreams so well suited to you and I
Could only be half acquired would it be worthwhile?
If I could just understand thisI might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild
For lately I’ve been thinking what if you were wrong
And all the things you’ve taken were never meant to be gone
You’d have given a gift from above so freely having given no thoughts to love
And would it be all of your dreams so better suited to someone like me
I would watch you achieve wouldn’t that make me so damn unhappy
On the level thinking back - I…
No if I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realiseI’m not what I seem insideI go wild, I go wild, I go wild
No if I could just
And here's some more lyrics
I'LL BE FINE
(Henry Ate - Torn and Tattered 2000)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1998) Ate Publishing
I'll be fine
There's no consequence in thinking that
Better or worse the sun still shines
It greets you every morning says
Forever going to take a little
While I am sitting here thinking it over
It's all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should've seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye
So I'll just smile
There's no reason to apologise
For all my intentions I'll survive
Paint a better picture and live in it for just a little..
While I am sitting here thinking it over
Its all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should have seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye
Say goodbye
So is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second
I'll be fine
Here are the lyrics for those who have never heard Henry Ate's song, Just, before.
JUST
(Henry Ate – Slap in the Face 1996)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1996) Ate Publishing
Lately I’ve been thinking what if I was wrong
And the world never meant you and I to belong
We’d have wasted so much time building castles in the sky
Only to watch them all fall down
Would it be all of our dreams so well suited to you and I
Could only be half acquired would it be worthwhile?
If I could just understand thisI might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild
For lately I’ve been thinking what if you were wrong
And all the things you’ve taken were never meant to be gone
You’d have given a gift from above so freely having given no thoughts to love
And would it be all of your dreams so better suited to someone like me
I would watch you achieve wouldn’t that make me so damn unhappy
On the level thinking back - I…
No if I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realiseI’m not what I seem insideI go wild, I go wild, I go wild
No if I could just
And here's some more lyrics
I'LL BE FINE
(Henry Ate - Torn and Tattered 2000)Words and music: Karma-Ann Swanepoel (1998) Ate Publishing
I'll be fine
There's no consequence in thinking that
Better or worse the sun still shines
It greets you every morning says
Forever going to take a little
While I am sitting here thinking it over
It's all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should've seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye
So I'll just smile
There's no reason to apologise
For all my intentions I'll survive
Paint a better picture and live in it for just a little..
While I am sitting here thinking it over
Its all so much clearer, my heart isn't broken
Just sifting through moments, when I should have seen
This distance between us is the way it was meant to (be)
Is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second to say goodbye
Say goodbye
So is this then our time?
The moment when I cry
There always comes a second
I'll be fine
Friday, April 06, 2007
The Chronicles of Rattick
The past couple of days have been a bit of an adventure here at La Casa della Lesbica. One of our furry children (toss up between Zak and Noodle) saw fit to bring a live rat into the house. I suppose killing is a lot more fun to do at home.
In any case, this rat, a seemingly intelligent and resourceful type, managed to escape unharmed from feline clutches to hide in the living room.
Where in the living room? Under my altar. Then under both couches. Then under the TV stand and even making a dash for the book case, amongst the books.
I suspected something was up when I came home on Wednesday afternoon and spotted Noodle, Tinkie and Zak trying to get behind my altar. I figured that a) something live was in the house and hiding or b) something live had been in the house hiding, but was no longer there. I decided that I would leave the cats, being experts in catching things, would eventually corner and murder this poor creature - whatever it was.
So, after trying in vain to fall asleep, I got up at 1am this morning for a visit to the bathroom. I hadn't even made it to the bathroom door when an unholy racket erupted in the living room with hissing cats and a squeaking creature. It was under one of the couches. I moved the couch and caught a glimpse of a twitchy nose, beady eyes and whiskers. It was the creature that I came to call Ratty.
I tried in vain for an hour to get Ratty to safety, but he (assuming that was his gender since I know nothing about sexing vermin) would have none of it. I chased him around the living room and even upstairs and back down again. Finally, around 2am, I announced that I was leaving his fate in the paws of the cats. He was on his own.
When I got up this morning there were no corpses. The brave little rat was still alive. Bastard.
I returned this afternoon from a two-hour Buddhist chanting session. Still no corpse. Bastard.
I set about trying to coax Ratty into a box by enticing him with a piece of cheese on the end of a stick. Ratty simply pulled the cheese off the stick and ate it while I watched. Smug little bastard. Zak took over the vigil for me and I went outside and mowed the lawn. Upon my return, I discovered that Zakky had cornered the rat between the CD stand and the bookcase. Excellent.
Armed with a box, I managed to use an old plastic lid to scoop him inside his new home and quickly closed the lid of the box. I took him out to a nice grassy patch (where I am sure he was hunted from originally) and opened the box. Ratty didn't want to come out. Bastard.
After a couple of minutes of sweet talk, Ratty made a happy bolt for freedom and lives to fight another day.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ENCOURAGING!
I got this email from my friend Julie:
The New Human Revolution, Vol.2, Page241
Shin`ichi Yamamoto then discussed the meaning of the word Buddha: "The expression `to attain Buddhahood` is widely used in Japanese society to refer to a person`s death, with the term Buddha being used to indicate the deceased. These, however, are erroneous usages. If we could attain Buddhahood and become Buddha`s at death without any effort, there would be no need to apply ourselves to Buddhist practise while alive."
"Buddhism teaches that the life of a Buddha exists within us. By `life of the Buddha`, I mean the supreme life force never to be defeated under any circumstances - a fountainhead for the creation of value. We could also describe it as a powerful volition towards perfection."
"Attaining Buddhahood means manifesting this inherent life of the Buddha, and Nichiren Daishonin revealed the Gohonzon precisely for this purpose. When we believe in and chant to the Gohonzon, we can open the way to happiness - not after we die but in the present - by creating real value in society. This is the principle of `faith manifests itself in daily life`."
Key Points:
1. Determination never to be defeated in spirit, no matter what our immediate circumstances.
2. Believing in our own inherent value as individual`s - for who we are not what we have.
3. Transforming our negative karma by helping others to fight their own difficulties is the best way and quickest way to overcome our own difficulties.
4.Faith is the spirit never to be defeated, never to stop trying to win, for others and ourselves.
A New Project
I had coffee this afternoon with one of my creative writing students, Liz. She was once involved with the publishing business and has proposed a superb ideafor a new project. I'll elaborate once the whole thing gets off the ground.
Speaking to her has been remarkably inspiring and she has advised me on marketing myself and I have discussed my ideas for several projects with her. I am deeply grateful that I have this chance to attract like-minded people to myself. It's looking really positive and it just proves what I believe: positive attitudes attract positive life events.
What this experience is teaching me is that I can ask for help and the right people will appear in my life to get the ball rolling and to make things happen. This is very encouraging. No matter what happens, I reckon I am going to be great. The Universe had already begun to change the landscape of my life. I noted this with the changes I have felt deep below the surface of my life: fundamental changes, karmic changes, the movement of the cogs and wheels - very mechanisms of my life - have begun to take place. What was a barely perceptable shift has now begun to feel like a huge forward push.
I know with every fibre of my being that I am going to come through with greater strength and insight than I have had before. I know that regardless of what happens at this time, I will remain strong, brave and resourceful. I am so not going to let the devils win. They don't deserve the slice of me that they keep trying to take.
Two years ago I would have allowed myself to be swallowed by the Vortex of Darkness aka depression. Not this time. The adage goes that if you do the things you have always done, you'll get what you always got. So now I am doing things differently. I am remaining positive and exploring every opportunity that is placed before me.
Life is too short for bullshit.
I got this email from my friend Julie:
The New Human Revolution, Vol.2, Page241
Shin`ichi Yamamoto then discussed the meaning of the word Buddha: "The expression `to attain Buddhahood` is widely used in Japanese society to refer to a person`s death, with the term Buddha being used to indicate the deceased. These, however, are erroneous usages. If we could attain Buddhahood and become Buddha`s at death without any effort, there would be no need to apply ourselves to Buddhist practise while alive."
"Buddhism teaches that the life of a Buddha exists within us. By `life of the Buddha`, I mean the supreme life force never to be defeated under any circumstances - a fountainhead for the creation of value. We could also describe it as a powerful volition towards perfection."
"Attaining Buddhahood means manifesting this inherent life of the Buddha, and Nichiren Daishonin revealed the Gohonzon precisely for this purpose. When we believe in and chant to the Gohonzon, we can open the way to happiness - not after we die but in the present - by creating real value in society. This is the principle of `faith manifests itself in daily life`."
Key Points:
1. Determination never to be defeated in spirit, no matter what our immediate circumstances.
2. Believing in our own inherent value as individual`s - for who we are not what we have.
3. Transforming our negative karma by helping others to fight their own difficulties is the best way and quickest way to overcome our own difficulties.
4.Faith is the spirit never to be defeated, never to stop trying to win, for others and ourselves.
A New Project
I had coffee this afternoon with one of my creative writing students, Liz. She was once involved with the publishing business and has proposed a superb ideafor a new project. I'll elaborate once the whole thing gets off the ground.
Speaking to her has been remarkably inspiring and she has advised me on marketing myself and I have discussed my ideas for several projects with her. I am deeply grateful that I have this chance to attract like-minded people to myself. It's looking really positive and it just proves what I believe: positive attitudes attract positive life events.
What this experience is teaching me is that I can ask for help and the right people will appear in my life to get the ball rolling and to make things happen. This is very encouraging. No matter what happens, I reckon I am going to be great. The Universe had already begun to change the landscape of my life. I noted this with the changes I have felt deep below the surface of my life: fundamental changes, karmic changes, the movement of the cogs and wheels - very mechanisms of my life - have begun to take place. What was a barely perceptable shift has now begun to feel like a huge forward push.
I know with every fibre of my being that I am going to come through with greater strength and insight than I have had before. I know that regardless of what happens at this time, I will remain strong, brave and resourceful. I am so not going to let the devils win. They don't deserve the slice of me that they keep trying to take.
Two years ago I would have allowed myself to be swallowed by the Vortex of Darkness aka depression. Not this time. The adage goes that if you do the things you have always done, you'll get what you always got. So now I am doing things differently. I am remaining positive and exploring every opportunity that is placed before me.
Life is too short for bullshit.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Above the Clouds, We Are All Buddhas...
My buddhist friend, Simon in Nottingham, very eloquently passed my own advice back to me the other day. Nothing like hearing your own words of wisdom, eh?
I once said to him, during a dark patch he was in, that he should remember that above the clouds, the sun still shines. Above the clouds, we are all Buddhas. And that's precisely what I needed to hear. (There is wisdom in this old girl somewhere, evidently!)
I have been pounding the pavement the past two days. I visited the Job Centre yesterday and today it was the turn of a couple of employment agencies.
In classic Buddhist fashion, I am cheerful, calm and filled with an immeasurable joy, which to most people would seem terribly out of place given the circumstances. It's by far easier to get caught in the negative downward spiral, but not particularly helpful. So I maintain my practice and it's working.
What a year so far! This has to be some truly remarkable journey that I am on. And I am so grateful that I have this opportunity right now. The way I see it is that the worst thing I could have imagined happening to me, already has. Seven years ago. Anything else by comparison is a piece of cake. Even losing my Dad and then being made redundant two months later. Anger and resentment impede the Universe from doing its work and a complete waste of energy.
There are some great advantages of being unemployed right now. My boss (who, by the way, has been excellent) has told me that instead of working my notice that I should take this time to look for a new job. I have spent my time so far doing just that.
I applied for a job that seemed to have me written all over it. Working as a trainer helping unemployed people get back into work. Snag is that it's for Bedford, the plus is that it's mostly work from home. I have crossed fingers, toes and eyes.
I have been given the tremendous gift of time, thanks to Boss Man's generosity and kindness. I have time to write my advanced creative writing course, time to search for freelance work. Time to write my novel and time to search for some kind of day job that will keep our kitties in the manner to which they have become accustomed.
Kate thinks I am dealing with this surprisingly well. I have experience in dealing with this, that's for sure. Perhaps I should pitch an article to some or other publication about what to do if you're made redundant? Why not cash in on that experience and have it pay?
My buddhist friend, Simon in Nottingham, very eloquently passed my own advice back to me the other day. Nothing like hearing your own words of wisdom, eh?
I once said to him, during a dark patch he was in, that he should remember that above the clouds, the sun still shines. Above the clouds, we are all Buddhas. And that's precisely what I needed to hear. (There is wisdom in this old girl somewhere, evidently!)
I have been pounding the pavement the past two days. I visited the Job Centre yesterday and today it was the turn of a couple of employment agencies.
In classic Buddhist fashion, I am cheerful, calm and filled with an immeasurable joy, which to most people would seem terribly out of place given the circumstances. It's by far easier to get caught in the negative downward spiral, but not particularly helpful. So I maintain my practice and it's working.
What a year so far! This has to be some truly remarkable journey that I am on. And I am so grateful that I have this opportunity right now. The way I see it is that the worst thing I could have imagined happening to me, already has. Seven years ago. Anything else by comparison is a piece of cake. Even losing my Dad and then being made redundant two months later. Anger and resentment impede the Universe from doing its work and a complete waste of energy.
There are some great advantages of being unemployed right now. My boss (who, by the way, has been excellent) has told me that instead of working my notice that I should take this time to look for a new job. I have spent my time so far doing just that.
I applied for a job that seemed to have me written all over it. Working as a trainer helping unemployed people get back into work. Snag is that it's for Bedford, the plus is that it's mostly work from home. I have crossed fingers, toes and eyes.
I have been given the tremendous gift of time, thanks to Boss Man's generosity and kindness. I have time to write my advanced creative writing course, time to search for freelance work. Time to write my novel and time to search for some kind of day job that will keep our kitties in the manner to which they have become accustomed.
Kate thinks I am dealing with this surprisingly well. I have experience in dealing with this, that's for sure. Perhaps I should pitch an article to some or other publication about what to do if you're made redundant? Why not cash in on that experience and have it pay?
Monday, April 02, 2007
It Never Pains It Roars...
I feel like a bit of a failure at life today.
I was made redundant this morning. I am not terribly surprised considering things at work have been really quiet, but still, it is a bit of a shock.
When my mom died 5 years ago, the dotcom industry took a nose dive and I was made redundant 4 months before she passed on. I had a feeling that this would happen again when my dad died. I was right.
Perhaps I spent too much time blogging? Ha ha. I had the time to blog because I didn't have enough work to do. The company has been feeling the pinch for a while and last one in is always the first one out. Who knows? Maybe they thought I was just crap and couldn't wait for an excuse to get rid of me?
Our internet connection at home is not behaving, so I am in the library writin this out. I have one word for all this: ARSE.
Just need to re-organise my lifeforce and get out there, hey?
I feel like a bit of a failure at life today.
I was made redundant this morning. I am not terribly surprised considering things at work have been really quiet, but still, it is a bit of a shock.
When my mom died 5 years ago, the dotcom industry took a nose dive and I was made redundant 4 months before she passed on. I had a feeling that this would happen again when my dad died. I was right.
Perhaps I spent too much time blogging? Ha ha. I had the time to blog because I didn't have enough work to do. The company has been feeling the pinch for a while and last one in is always the first one out. Who knows? Maybe they thought I was just crap and couldn't wait for an excuse to get rid of me?
Our internet connection at home is not behaving, so I am in the library writin this out. I have one word for all this: ARSE.
Just need to re-organise my lifeforce and get out there, hey?
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