And... breathe.....

Two more sociology essays completed and sent off to the Open University. Two more weeks of agonising and berating myself and preparing myself for the worst.

This uni foundation course thing has taught me a lot about myself.

I've learned that I CAN actually put my mind to something and achieve it. That I can take a challenge like this and not give up on myself. And there were many times I thought I should just pack it in. Why did I have to go and do this? I am so stupid. I am just not getting this sociology stuff. I am too old for this. What does it matter if I get a degree anyway? I am not achieving 90% or above, so why the hell should I bother to go on?

Those are some pretty heavy Class A excuses, don't you think? I faced them head on and busted them ONE by ONE.

Yes, I am still a far way off from even finishing this foundation course. I am about halfway there. After this… a Degree course. But I know now that I am not willing to give up on myself and THAT is a major change for a woman who was waiting for the day her life would actually begin.

Every time the excuses have come up, I have reminded myself of the reasons I am doing this in the first place:

1. I promised my father I would use the small amount of money my mom left me when she died for studying. My father is dying and I want him to see me begin that journey before he dies.

2. I deserve a university education.

3. I want to open greater opportunities for myself in this world and not consign myself to mediocrity

4. I have always felt short changed because my parents didn't allow me to study what I wanted to when I was younger. It's a gift from me to me.

5. Fuck it. Life's too short - I'll do it anyway.

And I have begun, in many areas of my life, to do the opposite of what my mind tells me I SHOULD do.

Mind says, "Let's goof off - study tomorrow."
I study now.

Mind says, "We can do some writing or drawing later. Let's watch TV."
I turn off the TV and go upstairs to write.

Mind says, "You feel needy and clingy - go hold onto Kate."
I give both of us our space

Mind says, "Why waste your time on a diet and exercise programme? You'll only fail. You're fine as you are."
I get a gym membership and chuck the sweeties in the bin.

Big karmic shift for Tanya. Power to the revolurion.

Blog Review - Why Do You Read Some of the Blogs You Have on Your Sidebar?

I just invented this. Choose 5 blogs you read regularly from your side bar and tell the world why they turn you on so much. Maybe that way we all get to discover something new and exciting. I'm not tagging anyone. You want to play along... go right ahead. Just let me know that you have so I can go over and look at your blogs of interest.

In no particular order:

Ah, Yes Medical School - I found this by chance. A medical student, who calls himself The Fake Doctor, records his anecdotes on life as a med student. I enjoy the humour and this glimpse into a different life. I recommend it mainly because it's a little something different.

Miss Snark, the Literary Agent - I love Miss Snark. This literary agent pulls no punches and applies her acerbic wit to the questions posed by her 'snarklings'. Good advice, clever lady. I recommend it because it's useful to writers.

Here's To Happy Women - Teri writes an essay each week on a variety of topics. Funny, interesting and intelligently written stuff. It's my Friday afternoon treat to read her work. Recommended because I truly enjoy her writing AND her philosophy.

Yogabeans - This is hysterical! Elasticgirl demonstrates yoga positions using plastic action figures. With a running commentary. I know it's not on my sidebar yet, but that's just because I haven't put it there yet. Recommended for humour and originality.

Life in Antarctica - Also not on the sidebar as it's newly discovered by me. Fascinating look into life on McMurdo station in Antarctica. Recommended because it provides a glimpse into a 'new' world.

Kinky Boots

Synopsis: Charlie Price reluctantly takes over his dad's shoe factory after inheriting it. In order to save the company, Charlie needs to come up with a plan and he certainly does. Inspired by no-nonsense drag queen, Lola, Charlie decides to make boots and shoes for transvestites and drag queens.

This is actually based on a true story.

I must say that while the story line was fairly predictable, the acting is really tight, particularly Chiwetel Ejiofor's portrayal of Lola. I believed that this man could be nothing but a drag queen. It's a fab movie for those looking for light entertainment and some comedy. It's one I will watch again, but not one I would go out and buy, necessarily. You won't be wasting your time on this one, rest assured.

4 Stars.

Priceless....

I found this news item and I laughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle in an awkward place. It had to be shared.

Excuses, excuses, excuses....

I am very good at coming up with excuses. I am brilliant, sometimes.

I make excuses for not writing, not exercising, not eating healthily and even not living the life of my dreams.

Here are a few examples:

I can't exercise because I don't have the time/energy and I have sciatica

I can't write today because I am tired/uninspired/boring/a crap writer anyway/must blog/watch this show on TV

I am not studying because I need to blog/write/exercise (which I don't do)/clean/wash the dishes/do the washing

And on and on.

Well. Here's the thing and for me, it's a BIG thing.

I have decided to no longer accept excuses from myself.

And recently a few things have begun to happen. I have turned off my television and it's stayed off. I have managed to spend a good portion of time on my studies, and have time to spare for reading and relaxing. As a result, I feel... accomplished.

Now I tend to think about things before I action them. If I find myself engaging in behaviour that got me nowhere before, I do the opposite.

Interesting.

Greetings!!! Please check out my Tastes Like Llama blog for some creative writing stuff...

Update

The Esotericon is updated a little early this time in case anyone wanted to take advantage of the fantastic energies this weekend and needed to do some planning.

Taking A Little Break...

Greetings, faithful readers

I have decided to take a little break from the blogosphere. I have quite a lot of work that needs doing for my course, and I have also begun to feel like blogging has started to take over my life a bit. I mean, you know it's bad when you DREAM you are sitting in front of a PC typing up a blog.

So I am going on a bit of a hiatus. I will consider keeping Esotericon up to date, since there are one or two people out there who find the information useful, but otherwise I plan to lurk for an indefinite amount of time.

I'll probably swing by the blogs I read regularly once in a while, though and add the odd movie or book review to my own blog. I am, however, contemplating the value of placing so much of myself into the world as I have been, so I may just end up making the blog less personal. Who knows. I need time to just be away from blogging for a bit. And who knows? It might just give me the creative energy I need to write another short story.

Well, actually, there is a short story in the works, but I'll put an update on here as soon as it's available. But for now, Start Wearing Purple is going to be a little quieter.

T.

Oh yes - almost forgot

In my Italian Consulate angst I forgot to mention that there are updates for Dangerdykes and Esotericon. Enjoy!

Fingers Crossed, Hope For The Best...

In June I sent my registration forms to the Italian Consulate in Manchester in order to declare that I now live in the UK (which I have delayed by about 7 years). After speaking to Consulate staff, I was told that my application has been sent to the commune in Italy where I am registered, they will request the files from Johannesburg and then send them on to Manchester.

Which is all fine, but my passport runs out in December.

SO... I phoned the Consulate again. May I renew my passport while I wait for the registration? Of course I can. I must send them: a) a photocopy of the first 6 pages of my passport and b) the passport renewal form. Then, they will send a request to Johannesburg to find out if they may be allowed to do this for me, then they will get in touch with me.

Clock is ticking, passport runs out in 4 months. I have now packaged forms and will be sending them first class post today.

In the meantime, my sister failed to get my divorce papers and apostille, which caused no end of drama while I was in SA (read about that HERE), to the Consulate in Johannesburg. She is now getting these papers to me via my cousin who is visiting the UK at the end of August. This is a month after I had requested that she send them to me by registered post.

I am chanting that everything goes smoothly and that I can get this passport shit sorted out quickly with the least amount of hassle. But it's still a worry, which is added to several worries at the minute.

I am not sure if I would be allowed to stay in the UK if my passport expires. If not, then I may just have to marry Kate. (I say marry, but really it'd be civilly partnered to her) But then I don't think I can leave the country for 3 years. And that's a problem because of the state of my dad's health.

So really, I am chanting that the Italians are going to be in a good mood when they process my application.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

The internet can be great fun. I found the following items by chance:

Action Figure Yoga - highly recommended for all yoga practitioners and regular folk alike. Doing yoga will never be the same again.

Sinfest - An awesome display of comic strip genius from Tatsuya Ishida. Wikipedia says he used to do pencil work for Dark Knight comics. I am hooked and desperately combing the archive in order to catch up!

Dharma the Cat - More comic strip madness. This time, Buddhism and humour meet.

Girls with Slingshots - Very well drawn comic strip and humour is good too - although I have to point out that the talking Irish cactus appears to have a Scottish accent and Scottish name.

Enjoy.

Talk About Synchronicity...

This morning the postman arrived with a package from Rayna aka Raynwomaan. "Something More" by Sarah Ban Breathnach was what was inside and I was quite taken aback by the generosity of this really wonderful gift.

Kate and I sat in bed, sipping our coffee, while I looked over the new book. I had first heard of the author on Oprah somewhere in 1998. At the time, I lived in Holland and I watched a LOT of Oprah. I cannot remember what was said on the show, but for some reason, this woman's name stuck in my mind. I had gone past a few bookstores and seen the book on sale and thought, "Maybe some other time".

Well, it looks like the Universe has decided that maybe some other time is now.

Thanks, Rayna!

Just a note: I am hoping to stick some book reviews up here later today, so watch this space!

Also, the Esotericon should be updated later too. A new Dangerdykes comic strip will be added tonight.

A Legacy of Strong, Quirky Women...

It's funny how some thoughts just smack you in the head out-of-the-blue whilst contemplating a cup of tea.

I come from a line of extraordinarily strong, though quirky women. The women in my ancestral line on my mother's side have been both strange and inspiring.

Take, for instance, my Ouma. My mother didn't get on with Ouma as much as I didn't get on with my mother, yet Ouma was amazing to us grandchildren.

She was also a touch crazy.

I wrote once in my Tastes Like Llama blog about how she went to see the Chippendales with my sister and she was the badly behaved one stuffing ten Rand notes down their G-strings.

Then there's the mad Auntie Carol who came to counsel me on how to get divorced. She also told me, "Tammy, all men are dogs. And just like a dog, a man can be trained." She is a very scary lady... and I suspect she may be a closet dominatrix. (No offence, Mistress Davina, my darling.)

Despite her complete insanity and weirdness and depression, my mother too was a strong woman. She practically carried her side of the family through every tragedy, drama, crisis that came along. Everyone in my family has at one time sat at my mother's kitchen table and had a cup of coffee and a cigarette while discussing their woes.

And then there's my sister. My sister who I love, but who never gives herself enough credit. Who shines and stands tall and is becoming Queen of the House.

A friend and I got my sister kicked out of intensive care after her thyroid operation ten years ago. That very evening she threw her hospital dinner at the hospital chef and told him he was a disgrace to the profession and a poor excuse for a chef. (My sister is a chef herself.)

I love that there are these magnificent, independent, crazy and talented women whose energy has been passed from generation to generation. I always wonder which woman started it all and what her life was like. But you can't hold one of us down. We have sharp tongues, a fighting spirit and resilience. We are brave, funny and often sensitive women. We've all made very stupid mistakes in our lives.

But this is my legacy. With all its craziness, feuding and unacknowledged strength, I am glad to be part of this clan of truly magnificent women.

Another DVD Review: Corpse Bride

I haven't been to the cinema in a LONG time. The last thing I saw in a movie theatre (haha - South African readers - I almost wrote bi-scope!) was The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and that was with Julie and on my 32nd Birthday. Corpse Bride is one I would have loved to have seen in the Cinema, but since we use Screenselect, Kate and I feel very little need to go to the movies. Besides, Kate hates the cinema, which is a shame, because I love it. We've been together nealy 4 years and have not been to the cinema together once.

But on with the review....

I loved Nightmare Before Christmas and I love Corpse Bride. The painstaking work involved just enhanced my appreciation of this film. This one gets two thumbs up, five stars and one meow from Mischa. It was a brilliant film. Highly recommended.

Tim Burton seems to have a very big soft spot for using Johnny Depp and Christopher Lee in most of his films, and they always do well.

Life and Other Things

The moon is in Pisces today. Get more information here.

I need another source of income. I SO need another source of income. I have not heard back from the BP shop after handing my application form in two weeks ago. I am starting to get the feeling that The Universe is prompting me to make use of the talents I already possess and not to undersell myself.

So, together with Erika and Kate, in a long conversation last Sunday, I came to the conclusion that I should try to find ways I can use the skills I already have. This means that today I am contacting the people who arrange the esoteric fayres in our area to find out how much it costs to set up a stall and to book myself in for the next fayre. The idea is to give Reiki and Indian Head Massage treatments. And maybe by next year I can add Tarot and psychometry to my bag of tricks.

The next creative writing course I am giving is scheduled to start in September, but will only go ahead if we get a certain minimum amount of students. The school where I do these courses has put me down to do 3 ten week sessions (provided there are students): September, January and March. This time, instead of chanting for students, I am chanting that I can help the human revolution of whoever joins the classes, whenever they decide to join it.

Failing all that, I am sure there has to be SOME kind of Saturday job going somewhere. And I could try to sell some of my fiction. Or perhaps I should 'learn the ropes' and sell my services as a dominatrix... ha ha ha. (Actually....)

Aargh. Fuck this money shit. I am tired of struggling, man.

UPDATES

OK - I have updated some of my other blogs, so...

A new, short vignette (which is a bit rubbish), go HERE.

For your latest moon wisdom update, go HERE.

For the latest Dangerdykes cartoon strip (which is also a bit rubbish), go HERE.

*(asterisk) has this tag on his blog today and I thought I would play....

TAG-O-RAMA!

10 Years Ago: August 1996
I was less than a week away from becoming Mrs Fallon, so I must have been running around making some last minute arrangements and touch ups before the wedding. I was probably at my cousin Lisa's flat and having my bridal 'do' practice run. My actual 'do' looked quite different to the practice run, but still lovely. I probably also had my make up practice run and final fitting on my wedding dress!

5 Years Ago: August 2001
I was in a rather grim place in my life then. I was probably temping after losing my job as an editor at a web design firm. I still lived in a nice flat, but knew I couldn't afford it. The relationship I was in at the time was hellish (no - not with Mr Fallon - he was gone the year before) and I was in the depths of a very dark depression. Looking back I have NO idea how I managed to make my way out of that black hole, but I tell you I am glad I did! Also, around that time we were still feeling the influence of Saturn Return, which creates a good amount of upheaval and change in everyone's life. It was a time of great confusion and pain.

1 Year Ago: 9 August 2005
Do we have to get date specific? i was still working for a tuition agency, but had thankfully found a newer, better job. I was working my notice and feeling really good about the changes that I was making and had already made in my life. Kate and I were happy, the weather was reasonably good and I was excited about the new job.

5 songs I know all the words to
I know the words to SO many songs. These are just the ones that come to me now:
More than Words - The Extreme
Patricia the Stripper - Chris de Burgh
Big Spender
Deh Vieni Non Tardar
Shade of a Ghost - Fetish

5 snacks
My truly excellent homemade fruit smoothies
Cheese
Doritos
Pitta breads and hummus or cheese
Olives

5 things I'd do with $100 million
First off, I'll pay all my debts
Then I'll pay all of my closest family's debts
Then I'll buy houses for Kate and I and our families
Two pub/guesthouses - one for Kate and one for my sister
Make a massive donation to British Guide Dogs Association and Cats Protection


5 places I'd run away to
Tsitsikamma
Venice
Cape Town
Plettenberg Bay
Knysna

5 things I'd never wear
Anything pink
Old lady shoes
A blue rinse
Belts
Bikini

5 fave TV shows
Futurama
Six Feet Under
House
CSI
Charmed

5 greatest joys
Kate!
My family (Dad, sister, nephews, nieces and even my in-laws!)
My lovely pets
Painting
Being able to be happy with my life no matter what's happening in it

5 fave toys
Camera
MP3 player
My pendulum
A moo-cow in a car that goes moo when you move it - this year's b'day gift from my sister-in-law (she let my 3 year old niece choose it)
A sparkly magic wand with flashing lights (a Christmas gift from Kate 2 yrs ago)


And I tag:

YOU! Do it if you want to...

Cause and Effect, Karma and Telemarketers

Those who have been following my blog will know I have very little time for telemarketers. They annoy the hell out of me with their double glazing and kitchens and free mobiles and surveys. *

I am ashamed to say that I play a little game called "Let's Freak the Telemarketer Out" whenever they phone. I have been sarcastic, non-responsive and downright rude to these people who are probably hating their jobs more than I am hating receiving their phonecalls. One person who felt the very sharp end of my razor tongue was this poor man who was trying to sell me female cancer insurance. (I didn't know you could GET insurance for female cancers). The bloke must have felt mortified enough having to approach completely strange women regarding their intimate health issues. So me, being me and hating telemarketers as much as I do, gave him a really hard time. I was particularly acerbic.

So last night, when the usual start-of-the-month calls began to come in, I changed tack completely. I was nice to them. I put a smile in my voice, was polite and even cracked a non-snarky joke. I was very well behaved.

I figured that if I want to change my circumstances, I need to change myself. It's the law of Cause and Effect. If I create a negative cause in my life, the effects (whether they emerge next week or in my next incarnation) will be negative - I may even be reincarnated as a call centre worker! By changing how I speak to these people, I am creating a new cause in my life, a different effect, and ultimately this will have an impact on my karma.

In Nichiren Buddhism, we are taught that 3,000 realms exist in a single moment. This means that we have 3,000 possibilities available to us at any given moment in time. That is, 3,000 choices. In any given moment.

We get to choose how we react to something. We get to choose the outcome through our actions. Ultimately, we choose our own karma.

I decided a little while back to develop a deeper respect for my job and the jobs of others, so being nice to telemarketers actually follows on from that decision. They probably get arseholes like me being rude to them constantly, so perhaps once in a while, a friendly voice and a polite tone may be in order. After all, none of these people have massacred my family. They are doing a job, which I would personally find soul destroying. They don't need me to add to it.

Now, I have a deep sense of gratitude to these telemarketers. (Kate has probably just read all this and fallen off her chair. When she comes home I will most likely be greeted with, "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" It really is me, sweetheart - no body snatchers here.)

I am grateful to them because through them I am getting to transform my karma and they are contirbuting to my human revolution.

And no, this post hasn't been one long sarky tirade.


*We know that we can block these marketing calls. Kate has looked into it, but it would mean blocking incoming calls from overseas. As my family are all in South Africa, it didn't make sense to do that.

This is me being a copycat today....

... and putting my words on up like Dori did on her blog.

This is from one of those memish emails that go around and here's the text from the one that we got spammed with:

Describe me in ONE WORD...just one word! Send it to me only , then send this message to your friends and see how many strange things people say about you! Just hit reply and send me my one word ! back. Then forward this message on to your friends (including me) and see what they say about you!

And these are the words I got back:

wacky
enthusiastic
sister! (from my good friend Ralph)
unique
inuendoised (sic) - from my sister Sherine. She just made that up.
inspirational
goddess! (from my lovely friend Mark - MWAH!)
snuggly (from my sweet angel Kate.)

It's a fun thing to try and very revealing to see what the first word is that pops into someone's head when they think of you. If you fancy leaving me a comment with your own word to describe me, please go right ahead and I'll include them in a post once I have them.

Happy Monday...

This is not going to be much of a post, I am afraid. Time is not on my side today - busybusybusy.

So... in brief:

1. Two new Dangerdykes comic strips have been drawn and I will scan these in tonight and stick them up on the Dangerdykes blog to be available for tomorrow.

2. I have updated the moon information, which you can find HERE.

3. A new short story is in the offing so I'll let you know once I have that up.

Happy Monday.

When I Grow Up....

I want to be as weird and eccentric as the two aunts in Practical Magic. I don't want to be normal run of the mill. I want to be one of those dotty old ladies with loads of cats, who wears broad-brimmed hats with purple and orange sashes. I want to be the kind of old lady everyone thinks is completely batty, but who is interesting enough to spend a lot of time with. Whatever else happens in my life, I just want to be a dotty old bird with a few eccentric habits and a big, warm heart.

So What Do They Have That I Don't?

I've been thinking about the secrets of success a lot lately. In a number of spheres: writing, art, business, relationship, financial... you name it. What is the secret of success? I don't mean a rehash of some self-help guru's philosophy. I mean REAL people. People in my life, who I know. What is the secret of their success?

When I taught journalism, I had an outstanding student named Coster. He wasn't outstanding because he wrote brilliantly - he wrote well, but not brilliantly. He stood out to me because of his determination and tenacity, his will to not give up, no matter how adverse things were for him.

Coster worked night shift as a security guard. English was his second language. A year before he took the journalism course I was teaching in central Johannesburg at a business college, he took a business English correspondence course in the hope that he could improve his English before becoming a journalist. Being a journalist was his goal, his hope, his dream, the reason he got up in the morning and he was prepared to do whatever it took to realise that dream.

By the time Coster stepped foot into my class, he had a good command of the English language. He turned up to every class during the six weeks the course lasted. Every assignment was handed in on time and he did well in his exams.

So what? you may say.

So... Coster worked a full night shift as a security guard. He would then go home at 6am to his home in Soweto and then come to my class in the city for 8:30am. He would then go back to his home, get maybe two hours' sleep and go back to work.

And this feat is what set him apart from other students.

I've never met a more dedicated person who was not going to allow anything to stand in his way. After the course he was planning to take a photography course so that he would be more 'marketable'. I have no idea where he is today, but I have a feeling that the reason I am thinking of him now is because my experience with him almost ten years ago is trying to teach me something.

What is YOUR secret of success?

The Moon in Scorpio


Today and tomorrow, the moon is in Scorpio. Scorpio's influence affects our sexual organs and urinary tract. Anything you do on Scorpio days to benefit these areas of the body will be more powerful, while anything you do to the detriment of these areas will be more harmful. The energy of the Scorpio day can feel menacing to some people. Scorpio days bring dreams and visions that have a strong psychic element and expect to uncover hidden emotions. Scorpio days are great for getting your finances in order or for self examination. For the creative types, Scorpio days are brilliant for research and for digging deeper into the creative work you are engaged in. If you fancy a bit of decluttering, Scorpio days are great for it. Failing that, wait for the waning and new moon as this period is also great for getting rid of old things.

As with all water sign days, do not air your bed covers and duvets as they may still retain some of the moisture even if they do feel dry.

The moon is waxing at the moment, reaching full moon on 8 August.

Beware the Advice Boomerang

A few nights ago, my very dear friend Mark and I had an hour long chat on the phone. During this hour I gave him this particular piece of advice:

"Dude, you cannot make anyone else happy. Nothing you do will make someone else truly, fundamentally happy. You can only do that for yourself. It comes from within."

I am in a bit of a grump today because I have been attacked by insomnia... again... Two nights running. I am reacting to everything. Every person I have spoken to on the phone has in some way pissed me off: they have answered my questions too slowly, they mumbled, they didn't sound cheerful enough....

And then it hit me. I am not exactly being a bright little ray of sunshine, am I? So what I am getting is a reflection of my life state. And then, I had a flashback to my conversation with Mark. (Cue an image of my floating head hovering over me now, uttering: "Nothing you do will make someone else truly, fundamentally happy. You can only do that for yourself. It comes from within.")

SO! Nichiren Buddhism teaches that 3,000 realms exist in a single moment. I am also now aware that I am the only one in control of my state and happiness. Only I can change it because, "Dude, you cannot make anyone else happy. " There's that floating head again.

I've had my lunch and I am sitting at my desk typing away at this little blog and I am determined that for the rest of today, I am going to let go of the grump, exercise compassion and really make an effort to see the Buddhahood in myself and in others.

Sweet.

Developments in the Life of Me

Wow, I must be thinking this is important. The heading is bold, in colour and italics, not to mention larger than usual.

1. I think I have an idea of the direction I would like to see my life going in. My idea of what I want to do with my career is starting to take shape and I am really inspired now. For a few years now I have had a non-career. Not quite a McJob. Just a Non-Career.

2. I am considering a part time weekend job at the local BP shop. 10 hours a weekend and some extra cash should see me out of debt and saving for study and new car in no time.

3. I am chanting for students for the next series of writing workshops. I notice I have been put down to do the summer sessions as well, so that makes things a lot more interesting. If I get to do all 3 sessions, that's 60 hours of teaching under my belt. Hooray! (And obviously the extra cash will help towards the goals outlined in point number 2)

And now, some astrology:

Today and tomorrow, the moon is in Virgo.Virgo rules the digestive system so go easy on the fatty food. Those who suffer from digestive problems may find them flaring up a bit. Virgo days are great for gardening, although with the moon waxing it's best to do planting instead of weeding. Virgo's energy encourages us to be routine and to pay attention to details. Creatively it's a great time to work on the little extra bits that will add that much more quality to the work you are crafting.

Sunday the moon moves into Libra and a light, airy energy is usually felt on these days. Libra governs the urinary system and it's advisable to drink lots of water, particularly between 3pm and 7pm when these organs are functioning at their peak. Avoid heavy drinking on Libra days (and particularly during the waxing moon) as this will put an extraordinary amount of stress on the kidneys. Libra's energy focusses on relationships and self-examination.

The moon is waxing (getting full) so ease off on the naughty foods and cut back on the alcohol because this will affect you more. Those trying to lose weight may find that their efforts appear not to yield the rewards they were hoping for. Don't panic - you'll see the results when the moon is on the wane again. Waxing moon is a great time to begin planning creative pursuits or schedules.

Mercury moves out of retrograde tomorrow.

Due To Several Technical Problems...

Everyone loves Dangerdykes. So where is the next episode? Kate keeps forgetting to bring home the Adobe Photoshop and the MS Word discs to throw onto our new computer, so while there are actual drawings that exist, they are not going up until we get the software we need!

Life is fairly quiet. I must study this weekend, get some exercise. Stretch. And above all else, I must write. I haven't stuck anything writing wise up for ages and I owe it to myself to get creative again.

Wow. What a short, boring post.

And Now, A Movie Review...

ohmygod. I have wasted 2 hours of my life on this piece of shite movie. Kate and I saw the trailer on another DVD we rented from Screenselect a while back. Thinking the movie looked good, we added it to our "Must See" list. What the FUCK were we thinking?

Domino is (very) loosely based on the life of real life bounty hunter Domino Harvey. The plot keeps twisting and turning and Keira Knightly just comes across as a Sloane Ranger who's playing at being a tough chick. (Stick to the period dramas love). SO fake it's not even funny. What's worse is they have a quality actor like Christopher Walken in it. Oh man. It's a steaming pile of shit and best avoided if possible. You don't want to lose a chunk of your life to this pathetic crap pile.

I watched the whole thing to the end. I insisted. Since we rented it, I had to watch it. And surely, somewhere, at some point, it was going to get better? Halfway through the movie, Kate looked at me with a raised eyebrow and announced she was off to have a shower.

SAVE YOURSELF: DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE. IT'S PANTS.

Oh My God! It's a MEME!

I've been wanting to write a lighthearted post for a while because I think I've ranted way too much and * (asterisk) handed me the perfect opportunity. So, without further ado, here's the meme:

Five Things in My Freezer
1. Half a bag of fake chicken aka Quorn pieces
2. Bag of frozen vegetables
3. 3 pieces of frozen fish
4. A box of Tesco's own veggie burgers
5. Half a bag of Morrison's own chicken nuggets, which Kate says are positively vile

Five Things in My Closet
1. Too many pairs of shoes to count
2. My favourite Chinese style coat and other items of clothing
3. Suitcases
4. Winter duvets and blankies
5. A little TV we never use

Five Things in My Car
1. A big rainbow coloured umbrella on the backseat
2. A bag for my rubbish
3. A little Peterborough map book
4. Winter gloves in the cubby hole (glove compartment for those who don't speak English)
5. A bag of cat litter in the boot I forgot to take out last night

Five Things in My Purse
1. A book called "The Four Agreements Companion Book" by Don Miguel Ruiz
2. A fold up umbrella (I was told to carry an umbrella everwhere I go in the UK)
3. My appointment book without any appointments in it
4. My Mslexia magazine
5. My Art of Living Magazine

I am not tagging anyone. Pick this up if you want it - just leave me a comment to let me know you have.

The End of an Era

My Doctor Martens' sandals are officially irretrievably broken. I've had those sandals for 6 years and in that time repaired the strap on three occasions, and that only in the last three years. They were the first pair of shoes I bought in the UK - at the Doc shop itself. The sandals were my favourite. Nothing like Doc Martens' Air Wair to make your feet feel good.

I love Docs in general. The very first thing I did with my very first pay cheque from a proper job was to go out and buy myself a pair of red Doc Martens' boots. I wore those boots until they practically fell off as well. I can honestly say that Docs have been the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned.

Having said that, though, I can't be a vegetarian and wear leather, now can I?

I stubbornly clung to my Docs' sandals and they are now literally hanging off my feet. The soles have come unstuck and the cushiony softness of the air wear evaporated some time ago.

Saying goodbye to them, as strange as this sounds, is difficult. We're talking my favourite shoes here. They've walked miles with me. My foot is imprinted on them. They've been on beaches, walked through cities, lounged at home. I am reluctant to go home this evening and consign them to the bin. It's like saying goodbye to old friends.

How silly is that? Being so damn attached to a pair of old stinky shoes?

Virtual Friendships

I've been thinking about the blogosphere and how we relate to the people we encounter. Looking at my list, I have a mix of "real time" and "virtual" friends who I am in touch with regularly.

There are several people I have never met, yet I have 'hit it off' with them. I communicate with one person I have never met on a daily basis. Chris is out in New Jersey and I am in a little village in England. We've never spoken to each other. All we have to go on is what we read on each other's blogs and the emails we send.

Is blogging the new 'pen-pal' thing - only quicker?

Growing up, there were several magazines you could get advertising pen pals and me, being me, I wanted pen pals because 1. I liked writing letters and 2. I enjoy meeting new people. I wrote to a girl in New York for something like four or five years and a girl in the UK for about 6 months. I also found a few 'pen friends' in South Africa itself - as close to me as Yeoville or as far as Cape Town.

Eventually these friendships petered out. Kids grow up. They get bored of writing the same letters over and over.

And suddenly, hey-presto - you have the Internet and all these blogging tools!

I met Kate over the internet. We didn't actually talk to each other for a month. We simply traded emails and gradually, just through the words on the screen, we began to develop feelings for each other. How is this possible? To fall in love with just words on a screen? Someone we've never met? Spoken to?

Fifteen-twenty years ago, we could just as easily have fallen for each other had we been pen pals. It's just quicker than snail mail and there's no paper involved.

The drawback of virtual friends is that as much as you like them, if they are across an ocean, you can't actually sit down and have tequila slammers with them. Then again, a lot of my really close friends are in South Africa and I can't do that with them either.

The point, of this rather pointless post, is that I believe that people can make connections with other people over the net. I believe that real bonds and friendships can form between individuals. I also believe that one can't be too careful on the net either - too many freaks and weirdos.

A Little Newsy Type Update Thingamy... Nothing Interesting.

Last night we were invited to an impromptu BBQ (braai, yes I know, braai...) at our friend Raff's house. So good seeing him and being able to socialise and chill out. We ate outside under candlelight, sipping drinks and listening to some chilled out music, while talking the biggest load of rubbish in the world.

It was such a lovely evening that I woke up feeling really good about myself and the world and everything in it. I felt loved. I felt special. And all it took was just connecting with another human being that we care about.

Kate agreed that it was a rather special evening. No idea why. There was no special celebration, no amazing revelations made in the conversation. It was just... nice.

Sometimes there is no reason behind things that make you feel good, no heavens opening up and falling stars and fanfare. Sometimes things are good - just because they are.

I'll avoid being an over-analytical Gemini and resist putting some kind of philosophical spin on it all. It just was what it was.

I also got my second OU assignment back this morning and it appears that I am doing reasonably well, so I am quite chuffed with my progress. The whole What Am I Going To Do With My Life thing seems to be not such a huge panicky thing anymore because I am beginning to catch a glimpse of what it is I would like to end up doing.

The whole financial thing isn't such a scary boogeyman anymore because I am beginning to consider several solutions to the current situation - some of these involve using the skills and talents I have consigned to the top shelf, others involve finding other sources of income in a more traditional kind of way.

It's as though the ability to worry has been sliced off me. I like that. It feels mellow. It feels strong and I am going to make good use of that. My motivation, which evaporated in June, is starting to make itself felt again. Time to move forward.

It's not good, it's not bad, it just is. And that's what makes sense.

FACK.

I did a stupid thing. I work for a venue booking agency as a day job and yesterday I forgot to cancel 2 reservations, which resulted in a charge for the booking. The last time this happened, I was told that if it happened again, I would have to foot the bill myself so now I have to pay for 2 hotel rooms, which I was foolish enough not to cancel. The total of this is in excess of £200. With finances already in crisis, this is not the best thing to happen right now. However, it has highlighted how tired I have become sitting in this steaming pile of financial poo-poo that I have been sitting in for some time now. The solution I have come up with is:

1. Cultivate serious multi-tasking ability so this doesn't happen again (being charged for a room I forgot to cancel)

2. Get a second job, say in Tesco's Supermarket or a pub or off-license.

Currently, my ends don't meet. They just gaze longingly at each other across a crowded room. If I want to study, improve my life and pay my debts, I have to make sacrifices, and one of these will have to be some of my spare time.

I reckon the first thing I need to do is get those debts cleared. Then try to save some extra cash.

The creative writing workshops depend on how many people sign up for them, at the end of the day. If there aren't enough students, the class doesn't go ahead, I don't get paid. I need something more solid than that to start off with.

This is what you get when you decide to change your financial karma.

GATVOL.

I am done with:

People who only know me when they want something

Drama queens

Drama in general

People who do not even acknowledge that I've sent them a package through the post, let alone thank me for the contents of it

People who only know me when they want something

Stupid arguments that can be solved through adult discussion

Political correctness

People I send birthday greetings to, and who know my birthday, but do not do the same

People I send Christmas cards to, who do not do the same

People I have written letters and emails to for ages who do not once bother to do the same

Crappy finances

People who do not keep promises

People who do not show up for appointments

People who show up EXTREMELY late after an agreed meeting time with no legitimate excuse

Telemarketers

The whole "I was abused so that's why I abused you" excuse

Excuses in general

Beating around the bush

Bullshit

Being nice

A Tale of a Snake in the Grass

OK - before I begin with any further blogging, I must excitedly point out that Davina Le Fangue has FINALLY updated her blog, Fantasies of a Closet Dominatrix. I had begun to wonder if she had dropped off the planet, but no, she is still alive and well.

My dad always said that you could tell someone's character in how they treat animals. If they are cruel to an animal, they will no doubt be cruel to a person. Be especially wary, he said, of people who do not like animals at all, and those who would actively seek to harm them.

His advice was very accurate. I know this because I ignored it once and went out with someone who had indeed been mean to an animal - a cat - and that same person turned out to be a serioiusly twisted individual. Since then, I have been aware of this particular piece of advice.

The other day, a man was telling me how he had been surprised by a snake in the grass on his walk through a churchyard and was contemplating going back to the churchyard to look for the snake. To kill it.

It wasn't a poisonous snake. It hadn't threatened his life. All it did was offend him by slithering past him on his walk. He was going to kill it simply because of what it was: a snake.

Now, I am no fan of snakes, but I did feel for the animal. It hadn't done anything to warrant this response at all.

The episode led me to think about how some people are treated in this world. How being a certain kind of person provokes a violent reaction in another kind of person. I got to thinking about the men who are murdered because they are gay and the women who are beaten and raped because they are lesbian. I thought about my own country of origin and how black people were murdered and oppressed by the white people. I thought about how people are murdered or hurt because they hold a different religion or lifestyle from others.

I realise that the snake man wanted to kill the snake because he feared it. He feared the snake's potential to harm - regardless of the fact that it was a harmless snake simply making its way across the churchyard on its way somewhere, minding its own business. The same line of reasoning can be applied to people who are seen as "different". They are feared because of whatever misconception of their potential. Best to kill them now before they have a chance of revealing that potential, eh?

The sad thing is that this attitude of intolerance is adopted by a great number of people. Don't like the black man? Kill him. Don't like those gays - let's torture them. Those dykes are only after corrupting our women, so all they need is a good fuck from a real man and they'll learn their lesson. Afraid of the power of the Pagan? Of course! We'll burn them! That'll teach them all.

It's no small wonder that the world is in the state it's in. The identifiable problem is this: a lack of respect. A lack of respect for ourselves as individuals, for others, the earth, for life.

When I respect others, I respect their beliefs and lifestyles. Case in point: I know a woman who believes she has been abducted by aliens. I don't know if she has or not, but the experience has been real for her. I respect her views, I respect her individuality. It doesn't alter my perception of her. I certainly won't be trying to kill her for it.

Respect, without a doubt, can go a long way to establishing peace. I start with myself - making peace with me. If I know respect for myself, I know my boundaries. Knowing this, I can respect others and their boundaries.

And I am glad the snake got away unharmed, but it did make me realise what kind of person this man is and that he too wants to kill what he fears. It doesn't make me want to kill him, but it makes me understand where he's coming from. I don't judge him for his fear.

I've said it before and I will say it again. We fear what we don't understand. We hate what we fear and we want to destroy what we hate. So what if we try to understand what we fear? What if we tried to exercise compassion? You cannot bring about a peaceful transformation with violence and hatred.

"Be still. Observe."

I believe that the Universe brings us messages. How these are delivered varies. Perhaps the message comes in a conversation with a friend, or a chance meeting. Perhaps in the lines of a book you're reading or a film or a piece of music. Occasionally the messages come direct from the Universe into the brain.

I think I have had one of those latter kinds of messages delivered today.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I have been confused and frustrated about a number of things. I've felt overwhelmed by all my commitments, my finances and personal issues. I've spent an extraordinary amount of energy worrying about things and very little has actually happened to ease any of my fears.

I sat outside during my lunch break today and kicked my shoes off to feel the grass under my feet. I emptied my mind and just felt the rhythm of nature and the earth. My intention was to let go of all the worry and stress I was feeling, to create a little pocket of peace in my day.Then it came, the messages, in bright bold lettering across my mind:

"Be still. Observe."

I understand this to mean that I must quit stressing out and just observe what's going on around me. Now isn't the time for worrying or taking action. (Just as well with Mercury retrograde.)

So, I am going to listen to this. As my mate Joe says, the Universe taps you on the shoulder two - maybe three - times. After that it takes out the baseball bat.

Ah, Life....


Mercury is retrograde until around 12 August. In other words, on a cosmic level, expect communications to be delayed or screwed up. If you have felt since June that you are often missing the point - blame Mercury. Not a good time to make big decisions or start new projects, but an excellent time to catch up on filing and admin and to review and reflect on your progress. Confusion and fuzzy headedness may prevail - as well as arguments. Geminis especially need to watch out during this time - take care not to overspend and be nice to your family and don't start arguments. (Hang on, I'm a Gemini...)

I have felt the retrograde influence. My essay for the OU was delayed, getting stuff sorted out at work has been going slow and I have been misreading and misinterpreting information left, right and centre. Not fun.

I've started reading *asterisk's blog and came across some interesting stuff regarding MySpace and other internet publishing through a link on this post. Indeed interesting and worth a read.

My first DangerDykes comic strip is up. If you click on the picture you'll see it better. There will be more.

Also... readers of my fiction may be interested to know that a little surprise is in stall (in stall?? there's that Mercury influence for you. I meant in STORE) for them. I'll keep you posted. Nothing as dramatic as being published or anything - just a little bit of fun that's shaping up really well. Watch this space!

And since I am being random, today, I must comment on one bizarre thing that bothers me. String vests. There doesn't really seem to be much purpose to them and very few people can carry it off. Just thought I might throw that out there...

Enough of this Bullshit

This is the tattoo I got on my upper left arm. Yeah it hurt a bit (like being Kneaded by a cat that's got its claws out and later it stung like bad sunburn). The tattoo is an African symbol from the Adinkra tribe and is called "Sesa Woruban" which means "transformation". It's the morning star encircled by the wheel of life. This symbol has been really important to me since I first came acrosss it about four years ago. It must have lived in my aura all those years because it now looks like that symbol has always been on my arm.

I have not been very kind to myself recently. I have put myself down and down played my talents. I guess I have been in a bit of a funk for a few months.

This weekend I was reminded by Ralphie that I am a good friend and I was reminded by Chris that I am creative and artistic. I guess I needed to hear that.

This weekend I have spent "rebooting" myself. Just chilling, spending time with myself, in between some light housework. It has been a bit of a voyage of rediscovery. I realised that I am not as bad as I thought. In fact, I am pretty cool. I just forgot who I was. I forgot to tend to my own Buddhahood. I guess that happens even to seasoned Buddhists and that it is still good. I remembered the lesson and feel better than I have since before I went to South Africa.


This is the first picture I have done of Dangerdykes, a new comic I am working on. Rather, it's a re-working of an old comic, which I did a few years ago for an e-zine I ran with PurpleSimon.

I decided it was time to bring Kung Fu Kitty and Wondermole back to life and send them on some new adventures. It's time to celebrate the creative force that runs through me.

"We can't stop here. This is bat country."

The Fundamental Beliefs of Tanya O, Secondary Priestess of the Worshipful Society of the Almighty Heate, Keeper of the Sacred Ritual of the Can Opener, and Servant of Cat

1. I believe that we are all connected in a spiritual way and this connection needs to be honoured by everyone throughout the world if we are ever to achieve peace and respect amongst nations.

2. I believe in astrology and the influences on the planets on all of us.

3. The moon has a lot of power and living in rhythm with this energy will benefit us all enormously. It connects us to the energies of nature and to the earth.

4. Earth energies are also powerful and deeply healing. I strive to live in harmony with nature and have begun to explore co-creative gardening.

5. I believe that we all have energies which we exchange regularly. Negative energies leave us drained, while positive energies leave us energised. Spend as little time as possible with people who have emersed themselves and their lives in negative energies.

6. Love is the only truth, the only way forward and to begin to use this energy we need to practice unconditional love towards ourselves.

7. I believe in the freedom to be whoever we want to be. We create our own reality.

8. We are all responsible for our own Karma

9. I believe in Karma.

10. Nothing happens without a reason and people come into your lives for a reason. There is no random.

11. The universe likes balance.

12. I believe in the healing energy of Reiki, which is, essentially, myoho-renge-kyo.

13. Everything is myoho-renge-kyo

14. I believe that complementary therapies work

15. I believe in the Mystic Law

16. That we all have Buddha nature and the potential for Buddhahood

17. There is no ONE path, rather a path best suited to each individual

18. The truth sets you free

19. Cats are more intelligent than humans - they allowed us to evolve so that we may work on their behalf.

20. Nothing is impossible.

PS: You earn 25 points if you can correctly name where my opening title of this post came from.

RANT! RANT! RANT!

I love my friend Ralph. I love his no bullshit, take no prisoners attitude and his what-you-see-is-what-you-get personality.

Recently, he published a lengthy rant on his blog. I thought his rant was so provocative, I have decided to link it. Read Ralph's rant here.

Kate's updated her own blog after a few months' absence. But she isn't ranting. You can read Kate's Blog here.


Inspired by Ralph and in honour of his rant (which is by far stronger and more eloquent than my own), I herewith submit my rant:

I have issues with:

Badly written gay flicks. Why are the majority of gay and lesbian movies so rubbish? Why are so many badly scripted, with a plot that has so many holes it could be Swiss cheese? And why is the acting in so many of these flicks so substandard that I've seen better character portrayal in porn? I'll write my own.

Advertising for baking our brains with lies and illusions

Doctors who discriminate against fat people and assume that the only reason you're in their office is to ask you for a diet plan

People who think I am not worth talking to because my beliefs aren't mainstream or Christian or safe enough for them. I'll think what I want and I won't try to force my beliefs on you.

Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons (no offence to the one ex-Mormon I know!) who think they can convert you on your own doorstep. I have made my own decisions independently. If I wanted to know more about you, I would have asked. Leave me alone.

People who don't know me and insist on calling me "Tan". If you knew me at all, you would know I hate being called "Tan"

People who say "I know you" , referring to some superior knowledge they may have regarding my character, when clearly, they do not. The very fact that you preceed your assessment with those words means that you don't know me at all.

Paedophiles and rapists. I think these individuals should be handed over to the families and partners of their victims for their punishment. No holds barred.

Aversion therapy. If someone's gay, they're gay! Leave them alone! Torturing them with strategically placed electrical impulses and the threat of burning in Hell for all eternity is not going to make anyone feel good about anything anymore. Fuckwits.

Lying bastard politicians who want us to believe that war is the best solution to everything and then decide to "rebrand" their war. Rebrand? What the fuck do you need to rebrand a war for? It's not a fricken product you need to market! Oh... I see... but it is.... you want to sell the idea to the masses. Fuck advertising for baking our brains with lies and illusion.

Fake people, narrow-mindedness and racists and idiots who cannot see a world that exists beyond themselves

Telemarketing. If I want double glazing, I'll go looking for it, please do not phone me and tell me I want it.

The guy who tried to sell me "female cancer" insurance over the phone. If I wanted to discuss my cervix with anyone, it wouldn't be with a total stranger. Fuck off.

There you go!

INSOMNIA

I think I may have found the cause of my insomnia.

I have so many ideas sloshing about in my brain - short stories, novel, comic strips, paintings, drawings, business ideas - that I can't switch off when I go to bed. I just lie there and my mind goes off in a hundred different directions. It's a bit like trying to calm a toddler in the middle of a sugar rush every night. No wonder I am exhausted.

Having found the cause, I have come up with a solution:

Do the stuff I have been thinking about. If I get the stuff out of my head - put the words on paper, the paintings on canvas and the business ideas into action - they will leave me alone and I can finally get a full night's sleep.

I even wake up hourly from 3am onwards thinking about this creative stuff.

OBITUARY

Igor "Corky" Corkini passed away peacefully in his sleep last night, aged 2 and a half. The Incredible Escaping Hamster, as he was known professionally, was a direct descendant of Hammy Houdini and had worked hard to continue the tradition of escape art.

His life was filled with death defying escapes from his cage and he kept himself in good shape on his wheel - even while his eyesight began to fail him. Ever the adventurer, he spent much of his life tormenting cats in his hamster ball. Such bravery has never before been witnessed in hamsters!

Corky leaves four cats and two humans. He will be missed.

The Moon Over Kyoto

I spoke to my friend Julie last night and she mentioned a growing sense of complacency with a number of SGI members. Julie is also a Buddhist. We discussed this for a little while and I told her that I was perplexed because I had started this year with so much strength and resolve. I too, have felt this complacency within myself. This "stuckness" and stagnation in virtually every corner of my life.

"Well," she said, "This is the sticky bit in the middle and once we get through this it will get easier. Now is the time to make a bigger effort and get out there. Just make a determination to do it."

Time to make a bigger effort.

It's so easy to stay in the sticky bit spinning my wheels. It's not going to get me out of the mud, is it? It's just going to frustrate me more. And as I said yesterday, if I want a different result, I've got to do something differently. That means getting out of the car and finding another way out of the mud.

Nichiren Daishonen says: "… the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto takes twelve days. If you travel for eleven but stop with only one day remaining, how can you admire the moon over the capital?"

For me, being complacent meant I went from seeing myself as a winner to seeing myself as a loser.

As a winner I was resourceful and creative and active. As a loser, I lost my way and forgot the reasons behind some of the goals I set myself. I forgot who I was, the strengths I have and the faith that has carried me so far.

When I live my life through fear, my world becomes smaller and I give my power away. When I live my life from a place of love, respect and faith, there is nothing I cannot do and I am powerful.

When I am powerful, I love unconditionally. I know myself. I respect myself and others. I follow through on the actions I have said I would take. I honour myself. I honour my life, my purpose, my gifts. I honour my family, my partner, my friends, my employer.

When I give my power away, I invite people to take advantage of me. I allow myself to be used, ridiculed, hurt.

Today I determine to connect with my power, to cast off the transient to reveal the true and to become my true potential.

Some Thoughts on Karma and The Four Agreements

Karma isn't something that happens to us, it is something we create through our actions. Karma is a universal law. It's a bit more involved than the simply put "Do good things and good things happen" philosophy of My Name Is Earl. But it's on the right track.

Most people just think of Karma as the stuff we did in a previous lifetime having an effect on our lives today. It doesn't have to be. We change every day, our actions form our lives through each moment. If I am someone who seeks a violent solution to my problems, I create a violent retaliation from the people around me. I would also associate myself with people who believed that violence was a solution and they too would seek out violence. Eventually, violence will come back to me.

Is Karma punishing me? Not at all. Karma is a very powerful teacher. It shows us that negative actions produce negative results and that if we want to change our results, we need to do things differently. There is no bearded man with a thunderbolt waiting to zap me with bad karma for my next four lives. I create my own reality, therefore my own Karma. If I create my own reality, then I am responsible for whatever situations I find myself in.

I have recently realised that my predominant life state is that of hunger. That means that occasionally, I have fits of jealousy and a desire to control. This state of being is not making me happy and is profoundly negative. I have created this negative Karma by reacting to similar situations in exactly the same way. Now, I feel it's time to change that Karma.

How?

1. Doing things differently. It stands to reason that if I want to create a different outcome, my actions need to be different.

2. Chant: nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nichiren Daishonin has said that by chanting Daimoku, we can transform even fixed Karma.

I don't have to go back and try to 'fix' the Karma of all my previous lives. What's important in Nichiren Buddhism is the present, because what I create today will create my future. Being aware of Karmic tendencies is very valuable. They are very honest teachers that don't pull any punches. And I am the kind of person who likes directness.

And recently, I have been reminded by The Healing Room of the Four Agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I Want My Slice of the Cosmic Cake...

I have learned that standing under the sky and shouting to the Universe "I want my enlightenment NOW, dammit!" is about as effective as firing a pea-shooter at a Yeti and expecting it to fall down dead. But still, I do it. It's like when your mother tells you not to touch "that thing on the stove", but you touch it anyway. And then you burn. Or, maybe nothing happens. Here are a few examples of what I've yelled at the Universe and my Gohonzon:

* I want my financial karma to be changed NOW, dammit!
* I want my relationship to be happy NOW, dammit!
* I want Lucifer returned home safe and sound. NOW, dammit!
* Make me perfect - NOW, dammit! NOW!

So, really, I shouldn't be surprised that nothing happens (now, dammit, now) at all. It takes time. Change is a process and I am an impatient little insect swirling about in the great big Cosmic sea.

An Allegorical Tale of Dancing and the Art of Love

At almost every wedding throughout the world you will get one old guy getting up on the dancefloor to show the world that he can still groove. He thinks he is still king of the disco and he's loving it, getting down to boogie to the tune of Will Smith, or some other contemporary tune that does not fit the style of dance he's doing. If what he's doing resembles dance in any way, shape or form, which it often doesn't. Usually it looks like the old guy is doing the Funky Chicken, when he is thinking he's doing the Hustle. But that's ok, because the old guy thinks he's cool. I say old guy, but it could be an old gal too. Often a great Aunt who would wear orange to a funeral and spit on the coffin; or an old guy who has supped too long on the free champagne. Whatever.

When it comes to love, I am like the old guy on the dance floor.

I think I can still bust a move, when really, all I am doing is showing everyone who's watching what an idiot I am. I think I am cool, that I own the dancefloor. Look at me do the cha-cha! And I didn't even have to drink to look this stupid.

You have to admire the old guys and old gals, though. In spite of their lack of grace and their arthritic interpretations of Kylie's "Locomotion", they are still out there, on the dancefloor, doing it. They're either oblivious or they just don't care. I suppose that probably has something to do with the amount of alcohol consumed. They will insist on doing the mambo when Mambo Number Five comes on. They will even attempt the Macarena. Or the conga. Just don't drag them off the dancefloor because it would be like pulling the legs off a new born kitten.

Me? I am the relationship 'spaz'. Admittedly, I am also the sort who would wear orange to the funeral, spitting optional. I have no rhythm, I am out of step and I embarrass everyone who's watching. Still, I don't want the music to stop, because no matter how rubbish I am, I like to dance.

Sometimes I think it may be in the best interest of all concerned for me to just not get up on the dancefloor anymore and reserve any dancing to the shuffle I do while alone in the house. That perhaps I am better off dancing on my own, rather than out there stepping on someone else's toes. Maybe I've got it all wrong.

Don Miguel Ruiz says in Mastery of Love: "What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous. If you are selfish, you are always going to be alone, and there is no one to blame but you. Your generosity will open all the doors, not your selfishness. Selfishness comes from poverty in the heart, from the belief that love is not abundant. We become selfish when we believe that maybe tomorrow we won’t have any [love]. But when we know that our heart is a magical kitchen, we are always generous, and our love is completely unconditional. "

I could do with a magical love kitchen. And with not feeling like such a huge loser.

Saturday's guidance from Daisaku Ikeda is: "You must be strong. There is no hope of winning in this chaotic world if you are weak. No matter what others do or say, it is important to develop your ability and then put that ability to use. Strong faith, of course, is the best means for drawing out one's inner strength. You each have a very important mission, and I hope you will awaken to and be proud of that mission."

Nichiren Buddhism also puts forward that the people in our lives, particularly those we are involved with in some kind of relationship, are mirrors. The only way to change one's circumstances is to change oneself.

But you know what? Right now, I still feel like rubbish.

I have finally updated Tastes Like Llama! There's a new piece on there so please go round and have a read: enjoy! enjoy!

Plusses and Minusses (I hope I spelled that correctly)

Have you noticed how your day seems to constitute a series of plusses and minusses (again, hope the spelling is correct)? Something positive happens, then something not so positive and they cancel each other out.

Here are my examples:

1. Mischa brought in a live mouse last night and it got away from her (minus). In our bedroom (minus). But this morning she has set up watch in the room (a plus, but only if she catches the mouse). Please note the picture of a field mouse in a field, not in the main boudoir of La Casa Della Lesbica! Total: -2

2. Upon opening the kitchen cupboards, I discover a Brita Water Filter, which I had forgotten I had bought, but which I fretted I may not be able to buy this month. (Plus!) Total: +1

3. I get on the scale this morning, fearing the worst, only to discover that my weight has not moved since my last weigh in all hope is not lost. (plus!) Total: +1

Now we are right back where we started with a neutral score of zero and things are neither plus nor minus.

Observe the next example:

4. I have Aqua fit class tonight and I don't want to go because it's cold and I'm tired (minus), but I know that after the class I am going to feel great and energised. (plus) Total: 0

The point of this mundane exercise?

I have demonstrated that you win some and you lose some and sometimes you do both at the same time. And that I think way to much about weird random shit.

Here's a meme I picked up from Chris. I am not tagging anyone, but feel free to do the meme if you so wish...


I know ~ that love is the absolute truth.
I believe ~ that everything happens for a reason - there is no random
I fought ~ myself until I realised I was my greatest ally
I am angered ~ by intolerance and discrimination
I love ~ Kate, our cats, my family, my friends and Corky the hamster
I need ~ the occasional bunch of flowers or box of chocolates
I take ~ a lot of crap without fighting back
I hear ~ that Robbie Williams is cued to play Frank N Furter in a Rocky Horror remake
I drink ~ water, mostly.
I hate ~ dentists
I use ~ food as a source of comfort
I want ~ to be seven again
I decided ~ to reveal my true potential
I like ~ the beach at sunset
I am ~ weird, in a friendly way
I feel ~ fundamentally happy 99% of the time
I left ~ South Africa in 1998
I do ~ a lot of housework
I hope ~ I am a good friend
I dream ~ very bizarre dreams - sometimes in cartoons
I drive ~ a white Nissan Micra that will one day need replacing
I listen ~ to my soul
I type ~ 65 words a minute
I think ~ way too much
I wish ~ that one day Kate and I win the lottery and can open our cat sanctuary
I compensate ~ for my insecurities by making self-deprecating jokes
I regret ~ not standing up to my mother about my career choice
I care ~ deeply
I should ~ stop procrastinating
I am not always ~ focussed
I said ~ too much
I wonder ~ if anyone cares about what I've written
I changed ~ my whole life by changing my attitude
I cry ~ at the sad bits in movies
I am not ~ a victim
I lose ~ my way sometimes
I leave ~ things till the last minute

In Just Seven Days, I Can Make you a Man....

It appears that now men are being encouraged to hate themselves as much as women do. The cosmetics and cosmetic surgery industry have cleverly realised that in order to boost their profits, they need to target the metrosexual.

Recently I watched an ad in which a man (nothing wrong with him) eyes up a woman. The voice-over proclaimed that to himself, the man thought he looked sophisticated, but to the woman, he looked tired.

See how subtle that is? The message is: you are not going to get a woman, mate - especially one who looks that hot - unless you use moisturiser for men.

I don't think there's anything wrong with moisturiser in general, but I do have an issue with how people are made to feel ugly by beauty companies and beauty magazines.

Essentially, beauty magazines are nothing more than marketing tools. They portray the way someone else wants us to dress. Why? So that we'll buy their clothes. They show us the way we should care for our skin and hair. Why? So we'll buy their products.

The advertising industry knows that the best way to get someone to part with their money is to offer them a solution to something that the consumer feels bad about. Not feeding their kids healthy food. Feeling awkward in social situations.

I have noticed that many of the ads on TV are not selling a product, but a solution or an emotion. Or an attitude.

We need to unhook our brains from the whole noisy din of advertising if we want to feel better about ourselves and start making choices that are not based on something we've been brainwashed to 'need.'

And yes, I did say brainwashed. It's time to unplug.

Random....

First of all, I am touched that Teri dedicated an article to me on her blog. It's an honour. Thanks Teri, your wisdom and insight have again worked their magic.

Kate had her eye operation yesterday, hence the radio silence. It all went really well and she's feeling fine. Apart from the semi-black eye she has, she displays no signs of having been in hospital at all. I was surprised that there were no bandages and that the cut they made above her eyelid resembled nothing more than a cat scratch. And they let me take her home last night as well, which made both of us happy.

Despite nine or more hours' sleep I feel drained. I have battled insomnia (and lost) over the past two weeks and slept soundly last night all the way through, only to be plagued by dreams in which either someone was angry with me or I was angry with someone else. One dream featured snails spraypainted gold and miniature hippos the size of small kittens. Most bizarre.

Not even my usual super charged coffee has managed to drag my backside up from tiredness.

I feel exhausted and ragged around the edges, but surprisingly, I am not grumpy. I could do with a soak in the bath (bubbles optional) and possibly a really lovely glass of wine, but that would be breaking my 'no alcohol' rule.

The Soweto Riots took place today, 30 years ago. It's unimaginable now, to think that this incident happened so recently and that it was most likely the event that kickstarted the changes in South Africa. It would have been incredibly sad if 30 years on, South Africa had not moved forward and Apartheid still existed.In fact, South Africa is so far past Apartheid (which only really ended about 15 years ago) that it is open to any minority group being given the rights it deserves. This was clearly shown when same sex marriage was made legal (MARRIAGE! Not civil partnerships!). So, the country has moved from being extremely narrow minded to extremely enlightened in a few very short years. To make up for years of discrimination, you think?

Enough philosophy. Head hurts. Tired. Later….

MOON BASICS

I have been encouraged to blog about the moon's influence on our lives, so here it is.

I am really into becoming more in rhythm with nature and one of the things that has helped me to do this is paying attention to the moon phases and working with them.

The basics are:

~ Everything that you want to draw towards yourself, nourish yourself with, that would add to your life, will be more powerful and successful over the waxing and the full moon. (Waxing is the moon growing towards full moon.) For example, it's a great time to use moisturisers and body lotion to feed the skin. Medicines are more potent. The downside is that your body will be more prone to weight gain over this time, so possibly best to steer away from the fatty foods and the junk over this period. Also good for planting.

~ Everything you want to release or get rid of will be more favourable for you if you do this over the waning or new moon. If you are wanting to rid yourself of a habit such as smoking, new moon is THE best time to do it. It's a great time for detoxing because anything that needs illiminated would be more easily removed from your system. Excellent time for clearing our cupboards and decluttering and the plus side is that you could actually get away with eating almost anything as we tend not to put on so much weight over this period. The waning moon is also preferred for surgery as patients tend to bleed less over this time. Also good for weeding.

This is just the basic stuff, as I have said before. It starts getting a little more involved once you start taking into account the sign of the zodiac that the moon passes through each day. The moon moves through these signs over a few days and these work with the moon to influence certain areas of the body as well as the atmosphere of the day.

The rhythm of the moon can also be harnessed to benefit creativity and artistic work. If you want me to blog about how, please leave a comment and I'll sort something out.

So there you have it. Moon Basics.

If Life Throws You Nettles, Make Shampoo.

This is a perfect case of life reflecting back to me the lesson I need to learn.

I have been out in the garden this evening, clearing some weeds. We have a beautiful peony that produces gorgeous red flowers. It happened to arrive there by accident. It was there the first year we moved in and then, last year, it appeared and bore one great big bright red bloom. This year there have been seven.

The peony has grown amongst the rocks at the bottom of the garden, and I had allowed the stinging nettles to overgrow and they blocked the peony from view. This evening, my task was to clear the nettles.

Now you can look down the garden and see this fantastically gorgeous peony. With seven blooms.

So, taking it from life and throwing it into the esoteric, the peony represents us, you know, people. The beauty we have that crops out at the most unusual of locations. One year we discover one bloom, then the next, there are seven. But, we so often hide our true selves behind masks, behind games, behind pain and while those blooms can be glimpsed, we cannot appreciate their full glory. Until someone comes along - or you do this for yourself - to harvest all the nettles and reveal how beautiful you truly are.

(Buddhists call this casting off the transient to reveal the true)

And what of the nettles? Well, today the moon is in Libra, a brilliant day to harvest nettles. When the moon is right for it, my stinging nettles are going to be boiled into a hair rinse to help control itchy flaky scalp.

And that's what we should do. We should take our nettles and use them for the greater good. Hating them won't do very much, but boiling them into a soup to use for scalp problems will!

Use your trials and tribulations to bring you strength and to heal yourself, not to live in anger and hatred. What's more productive? The nettle in the bin or the nettle I have boiled to use in a cleansing tea? You choose.

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep, So I Got Thinking About Beds...

(Edit: This post sounded so much better as I wrote it in my head while insomnia walked through my head.)

Ever notice how signficant the role of the bed is in a relationship? And no, I am not stating the obvious (get your dirty little minds out of the gutter), although that does come into it, but just a little.

Our bed is a standard double size wooden futon type thing. PurpleSimon will know what I mean. It came flatpacked and Kate assembled it herself.

What has always filled me with awe, is how this standard double bed can magically change its size in accordance with relationship circumstances and random cosmic events that no one can explain.

Here's an example: the bed stretches to king sized when we have gone to bed without clearing up a disagreement, as we each huddle in our respective corners. Or, the bed shrinks when Kate has gone to bed first and has transformed herself into a sprawling, unmovable mass. On those nights, the bed becomes only big enough for an arm and a leg, with just two square inches of duvet for cover.

And then there is the time when she is away and her side of the bed becomes a chasm the size of Siberia. Sometimes, her scent still lingers on the covers and the emptiness seems even more vast.

Her side of the bed. My side of the bed.

My side has always been the right side of the bed. With anyone I have shared a bed with. It is most strange. It seems taboo to cross the invisible divide to sleep on your partner's side of the bed when she's not there. It doesn't feel right, somehow. Could it be because it's not just her scent that remains when she has left, but an imprint of her energy, and stepping into that would be a violation?

It is only when we are holding each other in our bed on the first night Kate comes back from London, that we both feel she has truly come home. It is where our time starts each day. We have had long, lazy weekends where we've propped ourselves up on pillows to read and listen to music. We have passionate embraces and tender hugs on that bed. We laugh and cry there. Mostly laugh.

It has been the scene of a hissy argument and a sanctuary for each of us while we nursed illness.
When Mischa first arrived from Cats Protection, she lived most of her days under our bed. In fact, our bed has held up to four cats at a time, each sleeping on a mound of duvet or caught in a shaft of sun. Usually it's just one. Usually Noodle. But at weekends, we are joined by Noodle and The Two Headed Cat.

When you look at our room there isn't much there. The bed, chest of drawers, night stand, pile of books on my side. Photos of Kate and I as a couple on the walls. A photo of her semi naked on the wall. Yet, we have woven the fabric of our relationship here. We have lived so much within those four walls. We've grown and hurt and filled it with love.

No one actually tells you that the whole biological clock ticking thing is a physical experience.

Consider the biology of a woman: she is swimming in a variable cocktail of hormones, which influence not only her body, but her emotions. This is witnessed in the popular phenomena known as PMS and pregnancy.

Now I find myself immersed in the chemical soup known as Broodiness or Oh-My-God-I-Am-Never-Going-To-Have-a-Baby. Don't laugh - this is isn't funny and it certainly isn't comfortable. I see ads for baby products on TV and I burst into tears. I see people with children and I wonder what mine would look like. I have even been dreaming of babies and being pregnant. A lot. (And before you give me the analysis, yes I know that dreaming of being pregnant or having a baby symbolises new projects and creativity... I just don't think that applies to this spate of baby dreams because of this hormonal nightmare that has soaked my brain).

I remind myself that this is my body's language. This is how it reminds me that I am now in my 30s and I must reproduce, dammit! And that I must do it quick because it's all down hill for the egg supply after 35. And that's 2 years away.

Don't worry, I am not going to be hot-footing it to the nearest IVF clinic nor will I be trying to solicit sperm from my male friends. I am coming to terms with the fact that there will be no children in my future. This, I would imagine, is the emotional equivelent to the menopausal hot flush. It's completely normal and easily explained, but a little worrisome and uncomfortable.

This too shall pass.