A Tale of a Snake in the Grass

OK - before I begin with any further blogging, I must excitedly point out that Davina Le Fangue has FINALLY updated her blog, Fantasies of a Closet Dominatrix. I had begun to wonder if she had dropped off the planet, but no, she is still alive and well.

My dad always said that you could tell someone's character in how they treat animals. If they are cruel to an animal, they will no doubt be cruel to a person. Be especially wary, he said, of people who do not like animals at all, and those who would actively seek to harm them.

His advice was very accurate. I know this because I ignored it once and went out with someone who had indeed been mean to an animal - a cat - and that same person turned out to be a serioiusly twisted individual. Since then, I have been aware of this particular piece of advice.

The other day, a man was telling me how he had been surprised by a snake in the grass on his walk through a churchyard and was contemplating going back to the churchyard to look for the snake. To kill it.

It wasn't a poisonous snake. It hadn't threatened his life. All it did was offend him by slithering past him on his walk. He was going to kill it simply because of what it was: a snake.

Now, I am no fan of snakes, but I did feel for the animal. It hadn't done anything to warrant this response at all.

The episode led me to think about how some people are treated in this world. How being a certain kind of person provokes a violent reaction in another kind of person. I got to thinking about the men who are murdered because they are gay and the women who are beaten and raped because they are lesbian. I thought about my own country of origin and how black people were murdered and oppressed by the white people. I thought about how people are murdered or hurt because they hold a different religion or lifestyle from others.

I realise that the snake man wanted to kill the snake because he feared it. He feared the snake's potential to harm - regardless of the fact that it was a harmless snake simply making its way across the churchyard on its way somewhere, minding its own business. The same line of reasoning can be applied to people who are seen as "different". They are feared because of whatever misconception of their potential. Best to kill them now before they have a chance of revealing that potential, eh?

The sad thing is that this attitude of intolerance is adopted by a great number of people. Don't like the black man? Kill him. Don't like those gays - let's torture them. Those dykes are only after corrupting our women, so all they need is a good fuck from a real man and they'll learn their lesson. Afraid of the power of the Pagan? Of course! We'll burn them! That'll teach them all.

It's no small wonder that the world is in the state it's in. The identifiable problem is this: a lack of respect. A lack of respect for ourselves as individuals, for others, the earth, for life.

When I respect others, I respect their beliefs and lifestyles. Case in point: I know a woman who believes she has been abducted by aliens. I don't know if she has or not, but the experience has been real for her. I respect her views, I respect her individuality. It doesn't alter my perception of her. I certainly won't be trying to kill her for it.

Respect, without a doubt, can go a long way to establishing peace. I start with myself - making peace with me. If I know respect for myself, I know my boundaries. Knowing this, I can respect others and their boundaries.

And I am glad the snake got away unharmed, but it did make me realise what kind of person this man is and that he too wants to kill what he fears. It doesn't make me want to kill him, but it makes me understand where he's coming from. I don't judge him for his fear.

I've said it before and I will say it again. We fear what we don't understand. We hate what we fear and we want to destroy what we hate. So what if we try to understand what we fear? What if we tried to exercise compassion? You cannot bring about a peaceful transformation with violence and hatred.

"Be still. Observe."

I believe that the Universe brings us messages. How these are delivered varies. Perhaps the message comes in a conversation with a friend, or a chance meeting. Perhaps in the lines of a book you're reading or a film or a piece of music. Occasionally the messages come direct from the Universe into the brain.

I think I have had one of those latter kinds of messages delivered today.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I have been confused and frustrated about a number of things. I've felt overwhelmed by all my commitments, my finances and personal issues. I've spent an extraordinary amount of energy worrying about things and very little has actually happened to ease any of my fears.

I sat outside during my lunch break today and kicked my shoes off to feel the grass under my feet. I emptied my mind and just felt the rhythm of nature and the earth. My intention was to let go of all the worry and stress I was feeling, to create a little pocket of peace in my day.Then it came, the messages, in bright bold lettering across my mind:

"Be still. Observe."

I understand this to mean that I must quit stressing out and just observe what's going on around me. Now isn't the time for worrying or taking action. (Just as well with Mercury retrograde.)

So, I am going to listen to this. As my mate Joe says, the Universe taps you on the shoulder two - maybe three - times. After that it takes out the baseball bat.

Ah, Life....


Mercury is retrograde until around 12 August. In other words, on a cosmic level, expect communications to be delayed or screwed up. If you have felt since June that you are often missing the point - blame Mercury. Not a good time to make big decisions or start new projects, but an excellent time to catch up on filing and admin and to review and reflect on your progress. Confusion and fuzzy headedness may prevail - as well as arguments. Geminis especially need to watch out during this time - take care not to overspend and be nice to your family and don't start arguments. (Hang on, I'm a Gemini...)

I have felt the retrograde influence. My essay for the OU was delayed, getting stuff sorted out at work has been going slow and I have been misreading and misinterpreting information left, right and centre. Not fun.

I've started reading *asterisk's blog and came across some interesting stuff regarding MySpace and other internet publishing through a link on this post. Indeed interesting and worth a read.

My first DangerDykes comic strip is up. If you click on the picture you'll see it better. There will be more.

Also... readers of my fiction may be interested to know that a little surprise is in stall (in stall?? there's that Mercury influence for you. I meant in STORE) for them. I'll keep you posted. Nothing as dramatic as being published or anything - just a little bit of fun that's shaping up really well. Watch this space!

And since I am being random, today, I must comment on one bizarre thing that bothers me. String vests. There doesn't really seem to be much purpose to them and very few people can carry it off. Just thought I might throw that out there...

Enough of this Bullshit

This is the tattoo I got on my upper left arm. Yeah it hurt a bit (like being Kneaded by a cat that's got its claws out and later it stung like bad sunburn). The tattoo is an African symbol from the Adinkra tribe and is called "Sesa Woruban" which means "transformation". It's the morning star encircled by the wheel of life. This symbol has been really important to me since I first came acrosss it about four years ago. It must have lived in my aura all those years because it now looks like that symbol has always been on my arm.

I have not been very kind to myself recently. I have put myself down and down played my talents. I guess I have been in a bit of a funk for a few months.

This weekend I was reminded by Ralphie that I am a good friend and I was reminded by Chris that I am creative and artistic. I guess I needed to hear that.

This weekend I have spent "rebooting" myself. Just chilling, spending time with myself, in between some light housework. It has been a bit of a voyage of rediscovery. I realised that I am not as bad as I thought. In fact, I am pretty cool. I just forgot who I was. I forgot to tend to my own Buddhahood. I guess that happens even to seasoned Buddhists and that it is still good. I remembered the lesson and feel better than I have since before I went to South Africa.


This is the first picture I have done of Dangerdykes, a new comic I am working on. Rather, it's a re-working of an old comic, which I did a few years ago for an e-zine I ran with PurpleSimon.

I decided it was time to bring Kung Fu Kitty and Wondermole back to life and send them on some new adventures. It's time to celebrate the creative force that runs through me.

"We can't stop here. This is bat country."

The Fundamental Beliefs of Tanya O, Secondary Priestess of the Worshipful Society of the Almighty Heate, Keeper of the Sacred Ritual of the Can Opener, and Servant of Cat

1. I believe that we are all connected in a spiritual way and this connection needs to be honoured by everyone throughout the world if we are ever to achieve peace and respect amongst nations.

2. I believe in astrology and the influences on the planets on all of us.

3. The moon has a lot of power and living in rhythm with this energy will benefit us all enormously. It connects us to the energies of nature and to the earth.

4. Earth energies are also powerful and deeply healing. I strive to live in harmony with nature and have begun to explore co-creative gardening.

5. I believe that we all have energies which we exchange regularly. Negative energies leave us drained, while positive energies leave us energised. Spend as little time as possible with people who have emersed themselves and their lives in negative energies.

6. Love is the only truth, the only way forward and to begin to use this energy we need to practice unconditional love towards ourselves.

7. I believe in the freedom to be whoever we want to be. We create our own reality.

8. We are all responsible for our own Karma

9. I believe in Karma.

10. Nothing happens without a reason and people come into your lives for a reason. There is no random.

11. The universe likes balance.

12. I believe in the healing energy of Reiki, which is, essentially, myoho-renge-kyo.

13. Everything is myoho-renge-kyo

14. I believe that complementary therapies work

15. I believe in the Mystic Law

16. That we all have Buddha nature and the potential for Buddhahood

17. There is no ONE path, rather a path best suited to each individual

18. The truth sets you free

19. Cats are more intelligent than humans - they allowed us to evolve so that we may work on their behalf.

20. Nothing is impossible.

PS: You earn 25 points if you can correctly name where my opening title of this post came from.

RANT! RANT! RANT!

I love my friend Ralph. I love his no bullshit, take no prisoners attitude and his what-you-see-is-what-you-get personality.

Recently, he published a lengthy rant on his blog. I thought his rant was so provocative, I have decided to link it. Read Ralph's rant here.

Kate's updated her own blog after a few months' absence. But she isn't ranting. You can read Kate's Blog here.


Inspired by Ralph and in honour of his rant (which is by far stronger and more eloquent than my own), I herewith submit my rant:

I have issues with:

Badly written gay flicks. Why are the majority of gay and lesbian movies so rubbish? Why are so many badly scripted, with a plot that has so many holes it could be Swiss cheese? And why is the acting in so many of these flicks so substandard that I've seen better character portrayal in porn? I'll write my own.

Advertising for baking our brains with lies and illusions

Doctors who discriminate against fat people and assume that the only reason you're in their office is to ask you for a diet plan

People who think I am not worth talking to because my beliefs aren't mainstream or Christian or safe enough for them. I'll think what I want and I won't try to force my beliefs on you.

Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons (no offence to the one ex-Mormon I know!) who think they can convert you on your own doorstep. I have made my own decisions independently. If I wanted to know more about you, I would have asked. Leave me alone.

People who don't know me and insist on calling me "Tan". If you knew me at all, you would know I hate being called "Tan"

People who say "I know you" , referring to some superior knowledge they may have regarding my character, when clearly, they do not. The very fact that you preceed your assessment with those words means that you don't know me at all.

Paedophiles and rapists. I think these individuals should be handed over to the families and partners of their victims for their punishment. No holds barred.

Aversion therapy. If someone's gay, they're gay! Leave them alone! Torturing them with strategically placed electrical impulses and the threat of burning in Hell for all eternity is not going to make anyone feel good about anything anymore. Fuckwits.

Lying bastard politicians who want us to believe that war is the best solution to everything and then decide to "rebrand" their war. Rebrand? What the fuck do you need to rebrand a war for? It's not a fricken product you need to market! Oh... I see... but it is.... you want to sell the idea to the masses. Fuck advertising for baking our brains with lies and illusion.

Fake people, narrow-mindedness and racists and idiots who cannot see a world that exists beyond themselves

Telemarketing. If I want double glazing, I'll go looking for it, please do not phone me and tell me I want it.

The guy who tried to sell me "female cancer" insurance over the phone. If I wanted to discuss my cervix with anyone, it wouldn't be with a total stranger. Fuck off.

There you go!

INSOMNIA

I think I may have found the cause of my insomnia.

I have so many ideas sloshing about in my brain - short stories, novel, comic strips, paintings, drawings, business ideas - that I can't switch off when I go to bed. I just lie there and my mind goes off in a hundred different directions. It's a bit like trying to calm a toddler in the middle of a sugar rush every night. No wonder I am exhausted.

Having found the cause, I have come up with a solution:

Do the stuff I have been thinking about. If I get the stuff out of my head - put the words on paper, the paintings on canvas and the business ideas into action - they will leave me alone and I can finally get a full night's sleep.

I even wake up hourly from 3am onwards thinking about this creative stuff.

OBITUARY

Igor "Corky" Corkini passed away peacefully in his sleep last night, aged 2 and a half. The Incredible Escaping Hamster, as he was known professionally, was a direct descendant of Hammy Houdini and had worked hard to continue the tradition of escape art.

His life was filled with death defying escapes from his cage and he kept himself in good shape on his wheel - even while his eyesight began to fail him. Ever the adventurer, he spent much of his life tormenting cats in his hamster ball. Such bravery has never before been witnessed in hamsters!

Corky leaves four cats and two humans. He will be missed.

The Moon Over Kyoto

I spoke to my friend Julie last night and she mentioned a growing sense of complacency with a number of SGI members. Julie is also a Buddhist. We discussed this for a little while and I told her that I was perplexed because I had started this year with so much strength and resolve. I too, have felt this complacency within myself. This "stuckness" and stagnation in virtually every corner of my life.

"Well," she said, "This is the sticky bit in the middle and once we get through this it will get easier. Now is the time to make a bigger effort and get out there. Just make a determination to do it."

Time to make a bigger effort.

It's so easy to stay in the sticky bit spinning my wheels. It's not going to get me out of the mud, is it? It's just going to frustrate me more. And as I said yesterday, if I want a different result, I've got to do something differently. That means getting out of the car and finding another way out of the mud.

Nichiren Daishonen says: "… the journey from Kamakura to Kyoto takes twelve days. If you travel for eleven but stop with only one day remaining, how can you admire the moon over the capital?"

For me, being complacent meant I went from seeing myself as a winner to seeing myself as a loser.

As a winner I was resourceful and creative and active. As a loser, I lost my way and forgot the reasons behind some of the goals I set myself. I forgot who I was, the strengths I have and the faith that has carried me so far.

When I live my life through fear, my world becomes smaller and I give my power away. When I live my life from a place of love, respect and faith, there is nothing I cannot do and I am powerful.

When I am powerful, I love unconditionally. I know myself. I respect myself and others. I follow through on the actions I have said I would take. I honour myself. I honour my life, my purpose, my gifts. I honour my family, my partner, my friends, my employer.

When I give my power away, I invite people to take advantage of me. I allow myself to be used, ridiculed, hurt.

Today I determine to connect with my power, to cast off the transient to reveal the true and to become my true potential.

Some Thoughts on Karma and The Four Agreements

Karma isn't something that happens to us, it is something we create through our actions. Karma is a universal law. It's a bit more involved than the simply put "Do good things and good things happen" philosophy of My Name Is Earl. But it's on the right track.

Most people just think of Karma as the stuff we did in a previous lifetime having an effect on our lives today. It doesn't have to be. We change every day, our actions form our lives through each moment. If I am someone who seeks a violent solution to my problems, I create a violent retaliation from the people around me. I would also associate myself with people who believed that violence was a solution and they too would seek out violence. Eventually, violence will come back to me.

Is Karma punishing me? Not at all. Karma is a very powerful teacher. It shows us that negative actions produce negative results and that if we want to change our results, we need to do things differently. There is no bearded man with a thunderbolt waiting to zap me with bad karma for my next four lives. I create my own reality, therefore my own Karma. If I create my own reality, then I am responsible for whatever situations I find myself in.

I have recently realised that my predominant life state is that of hunger. That means that occasionally, I have fits of jealousy and a desire to control. This state of being is not making me happy and is profoundly negative. I have created this negative Karma by reacting to similar situations in exactly the same way. Now, I feel it's time to change that Karma.

How?

1. Doing things differently. It stands to reason that if I want to create a different outcome, my actions need to be different.

2. Chant: nam-myoho-renge-kyo. Nichiren Daishonin has said that by chanting Daimoku, we can transform even fixed Karma.

I don't have to go back and try to 'fix' the Karma of all my previous lives. What's important in Nichiren Buddhism is the present, because what I create today will create my future. Being aware of Karmic tendencies is very valuable. They are very honest teachers that don't pull any punches. And I am the kind of person who likes directness.

And recently, I have been reminded by The Healing Room of the Four Agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you wonít be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I Want My Slice of the Cosmic Cake...

I have learned that standing under the sky and shouting to the Universe "I want my enlightenment NOW, dammit!" is about as effective as firing a pea-shooter at a Yeti and expecting it to fall down dead. But still, I do it. It's like when your mother tells you not to touch "that thing on the stove", but you touch it anyway. And then you burn. Or, maybe nothing happens. Here are a few examples of what I've yelled at the Universe and my Gohonzon:

* I want my financial karma to be changed NOW, dammit!
* I want my relationship to be happy NOW, dammit!
* I want Lucifer returned home safe and sound. NOW, dammit!
* Make me perfect - NOW, dammit! NOW!

So, really, I shouldn't be surprised that nothing happens (now, dammit, now) at all. It takes time. Change is a process and I am an impatient little insect swirling about in the great big Cosmic sea.

An Allegorical Tale of Dancing and the Art of Love

At almost every wedding throughout the world you will get one old guy getting up on the dancefloor to show the world that he can still groove. He thinks he is still king of the disco and he's loving it, getting down to boogie to the tune of Will Smith, or some other contemporary tune that does not fit the style of dance he's doing. If what he's doing resembles dance in any way, shape or form, which it often doesn't. Usually it looks like the old guy is doing the Funky Chicken, when he is thinking he's doing the Hustle. But that's ok, because the old guy thinks he's cool. I say old guy, but it could be an old gal too. Often a great Aunt who would wear orange to a funeral and spit on the coffin; or an old guy who has supped too long on the free champagne. Whatever.

When it comes to love, I am like the old guy on the dance floor.

I think I can still bust a move, when really, all I am doing is showing everyone who's watching what an idiot I am. I think I am cool, that I own the dancefloor. Look at me do the cha-cha! And I didn't even have to drink to look this stupid.

You have to admire the old guys and old gals, though. In spite of their lack of grace and their arthritic interpretations of Kylie's "Locomotion", they are still out there, on the dancefloor, doing it. They're either oblivious or they just don't care. I suppose that probably has something to do with the amount of alcohol consumed. They will insist on doing the mambo when Mambo Number Five comes on. They will even attempt the Macarena. Or the conga. Just don't drag them off the dancefloor because it would be like pulling the legs off a new born kitten.

Me? I am the relationship 'spaz'. Admittedly, I am also the sort who would wear orange to the funeral, spitting optional. I have no rhythm, I am out of step and I embarrass everyone who's watching. Still, I don't want the music to stop, because no matter how rubbish I am, I like to dance.

Sometimes I think it may be in the best interest of all concerned for me to just not get up on the dancefloor anymore and reserve any dancing to the shuffle I do while alone in the house. That perhaps I am better off dancing on my own, rather than out there stepping on someone else's toes. Maybe I've got it all wrong.

Don Miguel Ruiz says in Mastery of Love: "What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous. If you are selfish, you are always going to be alone, and there is no one to blame but you. Your generosity will open all the doors, not your selfishness. Selfishness comes from poverty in the heart, from the belief that love is not abundant. We become selfish when we believe that maybe tomorrow we won’t have any [love]. But when we know that our heart is a magical kitchen, we are always generous, and our love is completely unconditional. "

I could do with a magical love kitchen. And with not feeling like such a huge loser.

Saturday's guidance from Daisaku Ikeda is: "You must be strong. There is no hope of winning in this chaotic world if you are weak. No matter what others do or say, it is important to develop your ability and then put that ability to use. Strong faith, of course, is the best means for drawing out one's inner strength. You each have a very important mission, and I hope you will awaken to and be proud of that mission."

Nichiren Buddhism also puts forward that the people in our lives, particularly those we are involved with in some kind of relationship, are mirrors. The only way to change one's circumstances is to change oneself.

But you know what? Right now, I still feel like rubbish.

I have finally updated Tastes Like Llama! There's a new piece on there so please go round and have a read: enjoy! enjoy!

Plusses and Minusses (I hope I spelled that correctly)

Have you noticed how your day seems to constitute a series of plusses and minusses (again, hope the spelling is correct)? Something positive happens, then something not so positive and they cancel each other out.

Here are my examples:

1. Mischa brought in a live mouse last night and it got away from her (minus). In our bedroom (minus). But this morning she has set up watch in the room (a plus, but only if she catches the mouse). Please note the picture of a field mouse in a field, not in the main boudoir of La Casa Della Lesbica! Total: -2

2. Upon opening the kitchen cupboards, I discover a Brita Water Filter, which I had forgotten I had bought, but which I fretted I may not be able to buy this month. (Plus!) Total: +1

3. I get on the scale this morning, fearing the worst, only to discover that my weight has not moved since my last weigh in all hope is not lost. (plus!) Total: +1

Now we are right back where we started with a neutral score of zero and things are neither plus nor minus.

Observe the next example:

4. I have Aqua fit class tonight and I don't want to go because it's cold and I'm tired (minus), but I know that after the class I am going to feel great and energised. (plus) Total: 0

The point of this mundane exercise?

I have demonstrated that you win some and you lose some and sometimes you do both at the same time. And that I think way to much about weird random shit.

Here's a meme I picked up from Chris. I am not tagging anyone, but feel free to do the meme if you so wish...


I know ~ that love is the absolute truth.
I believe ~ that everything happens for a reason - there is no random
I fought ~ myself until I realised I was my greatest ally
I am angered ~ by intolerance and discrimination
I love ~ Kate, our cats, my family, my friends and Corky the hamster
I need ~ the occasional bunch of flowers or box of chocolates
I take ~ a lot of crap without fighting back
I hear ~ that Robbie Williams is cued to play Frank N Furter in a Rocky Horror remake
I drink ~ water, mostly.
I hate ~ dentists
I use ~ food as a source of comfort
I want ~ to be seven again
I decided ~ to reveal my true potential
I like ~ the beach at sunset
I am ~ weird, in a friendly way
I feel ~ fundamentally happy 99% of the time
I left ~ South Africa in 1998
I do ~ a lot of housework
I hope ~ I am a good friend
I dream ~ very bizarre dreams - sometimes in cartoons
I drive ~ a white Nissan Micra that will one day need replacing
I listen ~ to my soul
I type ~ 65 words a minute
I think ~ way too much
I wish ~ that one day Kate and I win the lottery and can open our cat sanctuary
I compensate ~ for my insecurities by making self-deprecating jokes
I regret ~ not standing up to my mother about my career choice
I care ~ deeply
I should ~ stop procrastinating
I am not always ~ focussed
I said ~ too much
I wonder ~ if anyone cares about what I've written
I changed ~ my whole life by changing my attitude
I cry ~ at the sad bits in movies
I am not ~ a victim
I lose ~ my way sometimes
I leave ~ things till the last minute

In Just Seven Days, I Can Make you a Man....

It appears that now men are being encouraged to hate themselves as much as women do. The cosmetics and cosmetic surgery industry have cleverly realised that in order to boost their profits, they need to target the metrosexual.

Recently I watched an ad in which a man (nothing wrong with him) eyes up a woman. The voice-over proclaimed that to himself, the man thought he looked sophisticated, but to the woman, he looked tired.

See how subtle that is? The message is: you are not going to get a woman, mate - especially one who looks that hot - unless you use moisturiser for men.

I don't think there's anything wrong with moisturiser in general, but I do have an issue with how people are made to feel ugly by beauty companies and beauty magazines.

Essentially, beauty magazines are nothing more than marketing tools. They portray the way someone else wants us to dress. Why? So that we'll buy their clothes. They show us the way we should care for our skin and hair. Why? So we'll buy their products.

The advertising industry knows that the best way to get someone to part with their money is to offer them a solution to something that the consumer feels bad about. Not feeding their kids healthy food. Feeling awkward in social situations.

I have noticed that many of the ads on TV are not selling a product, but a solution or an emotion. Or an attitude.

We need to unhook our brains from the whole noisy din of advertising if we want to feel better about ourselves and start making choices that are not based on something we've been brainwashed to 'need.'

And yes, I did say brainwashed. It's time to unplug.

Random....

First of all, I am touched that Teri dedicated an article to me on her blog. It's an honour. Thanks Teri, your wisdom and insight have again worked their magic.

Kate had her eye operation yesterday, hence the radio silence. It all went really well and she's feeling fine. Apart from the semi-black eye she has, she displays no signs of having been in hospital at all. I was surprised that there were no bandages and that the cut they made above her eyelid resembled nothing more than a cat scratch. And they let me take her home last night as well, which made both of us happy.

Despite nine or more hours' sleep I feel drained. I have battled insomnia (and lost) over the past two weeks and slept soundly last night all the way through, only to be plagued by dreams in which either someone was angry with me or I was angry with someone else. One dream featured snails spraypainted gold and miniature hippos the size of small kittens. Most bizarre.

Not even my usual super charged coffee has managed to drag my backside up from tiredness.

I feel exhausted and ragged around the edges, but surprisingly, I am not grumpy. I could do with a soak in the bath (bubbles optional) and possibly a really lovely glass of wine, but that would be breaking my 'no alcohol' rule.

The Soweto Riots took place today, 30 years ago. It's unimaginable now, to think that this incident happened so recently and that it was most likely the event that kickstarted the changes in South Africa. It would have been incredibly sad if 30 years on, South Africa had not moved forward and Apartheid still existed.In fact, South Africa is so far past Apartheid (which only really ended about 15 years ago) that it is open to any minority group being given the rights it deserves. This was clearly shown when same sex marriage was made legal (MARRIAGE! Not civil partnerships!). So, the country has moved from being extremely narrow minded to extremely enlightened in a few very short years. To make up for years of discrimination, you think?

Enough philosophy. Head hurts. Tired. Later….

MOON BASICS

I have been encouraged to blog about the moon's influence on our lives, so here it is.

I am really into becoming more in rhythm with nature and one of the things that has helped me to do this is paying attention to the moon phases and working with them.

The basics are:

~ Everything that you want to draw towards yourself, nourish yourself with, that would add to your life, will be more powerful and successful over the waxing and the full moon. (Waxing is the moon growing towards full moon.) For example, it's a great time to use moisturisers and body lotion to feed the skin. Medicines are more potent. The downside is that your body will be more prone to weight gain over this time, so possibly best to steer away from the fatty foods and the junk over this period. Also good for planting.

~ Everything you want to release or get rid of will be more favourable for you if you do this over the waning or new moon. If you are wanting to rid yourself of a habit such as smoking, new moon is THE best time to do it. It's a great time for detoxing because anything that needs illiminated would be more easily removed from your system. Excellent time for clearing our cupboards and decluttering and the plus side is that you could actually get away with eating almost anything as we tend not to put on so much weight over this period. The waning moon is also preferred for surgery as patients tend to bleed less over this time. Also good for weeding.

This is just the basic stuff, as I have said before. It starts getting a little more involved once you start taking into account the sign of the zodiac that the moon passes through each day. The moon moves through these signs over a few days and these work with the moon to influence certain areas of the body as well as the atmosphere of the day.

The rhythm of the moon can also be harnessed to benefit creativity and artistic work. If you want me to blog about how, please leave a comment and I'll sort something out.

So there you have it. Moon Basics.

If Life Throws You Nettles, Make Shampoo.

This is a perfect case of life reflecting back to me the lesson I need to learn.

I have been out in the garden this evening, clearing some weeds. We have a beautiful peony that produces gorgeous red flowers. It happened to arrive there by accident. It was there the first year we moved in and then, last year, it appeared and bore one great big bright red bloom. This year there have been seven.

The peony has grown amongst the rocks at the bottom of the garden, and I had allowed the stinging nettles to overgrow and they blocked the peony from view. This evening, my task was to clear the nettles.

Now you can look down the garden and see this fantastically gorgeous peony. With seven blooms.

So, taking it from life and throwing it into the esoteric, the peony represents us, you know, people. The beauty we have that crops out at the most unusual of locations. One year we discover one bloom, then the next, there are seven. But, we so often hide our true selves behind masks, behind games, behind pain and while those blooms can be glimpsed, we cannot appreciate their full glory. Until someone comes along - or you do this for yourself - to harvest all the nettles and reveal how beautiful you truly are.

(Buddhists call this casting off the transient to reveal the true)

And what of the nettles? Well, today the moon is in Libra, a brilliant day to harvest nettles. When the moon is right for it, my stinging nettles are going to be boiled into a hair rinse to help control itchy flaky scalp.

And that's what we should do. We should take our nettles and use them for the greater good. Hating them won't do very much, but boiling them into a soup to use for scalp problems will!

Use your trials and tribulations to bring you strength and to heal yourself, not to live in anger and hatred. What's more productive? The nettle in the bin or the nettle I have boiled to use in a cleansing tea? You choose.

Last Night I Couldn't Sleep, So I Got Thinking About Beds...

(Edit: This post sounded so much better as I wrote it in my head while insomnia walked through my head.)

Ever notice how signficant the role of the bed is in a relationship? And no, I am not stating the obvious (get your dirty little minds out of the gutter), although that does come into it, but just a little.

Our bed is a standard double size wooden futon type thing. PurpleSimon will know what I mean. It came flatpacked and Kate assembled it herself.

What has always filled me with awe, is how this standard double bed can magically change its size in accordance with relationship circumstances and random cosmic events that no one can explain.

Here's an example: the bed stretches to king sized when we have gone to bed without clearing up a disagreement, as we each huddle in our respective corners. Or, the bed shrinks when Kate has gone to bed first and has transformed herself into a sprawling, unmovable mass. On those nights, the bed becomes only big enough for an arm and a leg, with just two square inches of duvet for cover.

And then there is the time when she is away and her side of the bed becomes a chasm the size of Siberia. Sometimes, her scent still lingers on the covers and the emptiness seems even more vast.

Her side of the bed. My side of the bed.

My side has always been the right side of the bed. With anyone I have shared a bed with. It is most strange. It seems taboo to cross the invisible divide to sleep on your partner's side of the bed when she's not there. It doesn't feel right, somehow. Could it be because it's not just her scent that remains when she has left, but an imprint of her energy, and stepping into that would be a violation?

It is only when we are holding each other in our bed on the first night Kate comes back from London, that we both feel she has truly come home. It is where our time starts each day. We have had long, lazy weekends where we've propped ourselves up on pillows to read and listen to music. We have passionate embraces and tender hugs on that bed. We laugh and cry there. Mostly laugh.

It has been the scene of a hissy argument and a sanctuary for each of us while we nursed illness.
When Mischa first arrived from Cats Protection, she lived most of her days under our bed. In fact, our bed has held up to four cats at a time, each sleeping on a mound of duvet or caught in a shaft of sun. Usually it's just one. Usually Noodle. But at weekends, we are joined by Noodle and The Two Headed Cat.

When you look at our room there isn't much there. The bed, chest of drawers, night stand, pile of books on my side. Photos of Kate and I as a couple on the walls. A photo of her semi naked on the wall. Yet, we have woven the fabric of our relationship here. We have lived so much within those four walls. We've grown and hurt and filled it with love.

No one actually tells you that the whole biological clock ticking thing is a physical experience.

Consider the biology of a woman: she is swimming in a variable cocktail of hormones, which influence not only her body, but her emotions. This is witnessed in the popular phenomena known as PMS and pregnancy.

Now I find myself immersed in the chemical soup known as Broodiness or Oh-My-God-I-Am-Never-Going-To-Have-a-Baby. Don't laugh - this is isn't funny and it certainly isn't comfortable. I see ads for baby products on TV and I burst into tears. I see people with children and I wonder what mine would look like. I have even been dreaming of babies and being pregnant. A lot. (And before you give me the analysis, yes I know that dreaming of being pregnant or having a baby symbolises new projects and creativity... I just don't think that applies to this spate of baby dreams because of this hormonal nightmare that has soaked my brain).

I remind myself that this is my body's language. This is how it reminds me that I am now in my 30s and I must reproduce, dammit! And that I must do it quick because it's all down hill for the egg supply after 35. And that's 2 years away.

Don't worry, I am not going to be hot-footing it to the nearest IVF clinic nor will I be trying to solicit sperm from my male friends. I am coming to terms with the fact that there will be no children in my future. This, I would imagine, is the emotional equivelent to the menopausal hot flush. It's completely normal and easily explained, but a little worrisome and uncomfortable.

This too shall pass.

Some More Thoughts on Friendship

(Before I continue, I would like to point out that it is winter in Johannesburg and today's temperature is 21 degrees Celsius. It is summer in the UK and the temperature recorded in Oakham today is 15 degrees Celsius. That is all.)

After reading a post on Teri's Blog, I found myself returning to the topic of friendship. I remember also reading something by Geneen Roth (again) that reiterated my own feelings that if you are in a friendship and you feel diminished in some way, you need to change it.

I have figured that I have allowed some people to use me as a way to make themselves feel better about who they are. This has really niggled me, particularly due to an incident over the weekend, when I realised that I had allowed myself to be used in this way by someone in particular.

It dawned on me that I didn't want to be judged and found wanting by someone who called herself a friend. I clearly didn't meet her standards or criteria for perfect and she belittled me for it. It was also made clear that if someone is constantly 'testing' your friendship, to see how true a friend you are to them, they are no way a friend to you.

How did friendships become so complicated? Manipulators and energy vampires are everywhere. I've managed to deal with my own negative compulsions that would ordinarily attract people like this, however I find that I am still being hurt by some people I really thought I could trust and rely on.

One of my favourite sayings is that if you want to change your circumstances, you have to change yourself. And maybe that's just it. I HAVE changed myself and become more positive. I am no longer willing to indulge in a feel sorry for myself fest. I am not willing to submit to someone else's negativity. And perhaps some people feel threatened by that.

How do you spot someone's true colours? How do you know when to stay and when to walk away?

Blink and You'll Miss It...

So where's summer then? The BBC website is most useful for weather news for the coming week in my part of the UK. Hardly any sun and temperatures below 20 Celsius. Late May frost is predicted for tonight.

Luce and Tink have been huddled on a blanket indoors all weekend. (Well, maybe Luce doesn't count because he is only being allowed out tomorrow after his excursion to Peterborough.) Mischa and Noodle are out chasing things. I know where I would be given the choice!

And speaking of Luce, I think he got off lightly. Check this out.

Brrrr. Pass the hot chocolate, I am heading off to hibernate. Wake me up when summer starts.

A Discourse on Karma and the Universal Significance of Socks

I spent most of this morning not feeling particularly strong. I felt like a loser. This whole transforming one's karma has got me befuddled. I've just read an inspiring entry on Buddhist Simon's blog. (I read the blogs of two Simons - it gets confusing. Especially since they BOTH love the colour purple.) He spoke about fear and how it's important to live in the moment.

I had an email exchange with him as well this morning and it became clear to me that I am actually afraid to transform my karma because I do not want things to get worse before they get better.

This fear is stupid. It's based on a fear that I might end up losing my mind again and having to go through Hell. But of course, with this fear in place, I am already in Hell. By allowing this fear to stop me from transforming my karma, I become paralysed.

So... how do I take the things that I feel are negative that happen to me and turn them around and use them to forge my own strength? An important thing for me to remember is that I was able to recognise the familiar turns of phrase and emotions that would ordinarily send me sliding straight down the shoot into a steaming pile of victimhood. This one thing, in itself, bears witness that I am well and truly in the process of changing my karma.

The biggest gift? A change in perception. The ability to remove the negative tinted shades and replace them with clear, compassionate glasses. It really is all about perception. Even Don Miguel Ruiz refers to this and brings awareness to how we use our words and thoughts against ourselves.

In a letter called 'On Attaining Buddhahood', Nichiren Daishonin writes: "If the minds of living beings are impure, their land is also impure, but if their minds are pure, so is their land. There are not two lands, pure or impure in themselves. The difference lies solely in the good or evil of our minds."

So really - it's just the way you see things.

Which brings us to the universal significance of socks: socks are the universe's way of reminding us not to take ourselves too seriously. No. Really. Have you seen how ridiculous a sock looks? Next time you take yourself too seriously - where some funky outlandish socks as a reminder that not everything is a disaster waiting to happen to you.

Today: A Meme.

This comes from Chris. You've got to choose 10 words with a letter given to you by the person who had the meme before you. I am not continuing the meme, but here are my 10 words.

Extraordinary - what a weird word this is. It means 'exceptional', yet if you break it down you get "extra ordinary". That doesn't say exceptional to me.

Ecstacy - as in ecstatically joyful and the OMG-oh-yeah-baby-earth-moving kind of way. I like to do both. Often.

Endorphins - happy hormones

Elephant - a large animal found in India and Africa and zoos the world over. I hate zoos.

Elves - members of the faere folk who dance in the garden

Experience - the greatest teacher

Equilibrium - balance. A good place to be.

Ergo - a fancy word meaning 'therefore'

Erotic - with a feather, not the chicken

Explore - as my dad says, explore everything and keep only what's good.

RANDOM BLOGGERY

Happy Monday! A new week begins and I thought it may cheer most of us up if I posted a picture of pussy on my blog. The cat in question is Madame Tinkie. Mischa, Lucifer and Little Miss Tinkles over here are nice and snug indoors while Noodle roams the neighbourhood. Right now, it's pelting down with rain and the weather is being typically English.

I have stolen this off Sibri's Buddhist blog. It's Daisaku Ikeda's guidance for today and I thought I should share:

"We need to cultivate a state of life where we can thoroughly enjoy ourselves at all times. We should have such joy that even at the time of death we can declare with a happy smile: "That was wonderful! Where shall I go next?" This is the state of mind of a person with strong faith. Such individuals will be reborn without delay and in a form and in a place exactly according with their desires. Faith enables us to attain the kind of generous and all-embracing state of mind where we can enjoy everything in our lives."

Nice, huh?

When I went through a serious depressive episode about two years ago, that kind of thing seemed impossible to me. How could I be happy with my life? How can I enjoy my life? My life was miserable!

Thankfully, with the right kind of help and support I can read that and nod my head sagely and say, "Yeah. I can dig that."

Geneen Roth in her book "When You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair" warns of what she calls "Fat and Ugly Attacks" that make you feel really rubbish. She also advises that when you feel really rubbish - fat and ugly and whatever else - try to look at a rose. Or imagine one. The rose doesn't think you're fat/ugly/rubbish/whatnot. In fact, no one is telling the rose that it's ugly. It just is. Perfect. Beautiful. Lovely. So are we. All.

I reckon that's what my weight problem is about. It's nothing to do with how large I am. I was a size 12 and I still felt fat. It's not about weight. It's about not loving and respecting myself JUST AS I AM. I don't need false boobs or a tiny waist or a huge pay packet to feel good about who I am. I just need to feel good about who I am and all the rest will fall in place. (Buddhists, in other words, I need to honour my Buddhahood.)

This weekend that's precisely what has become apparent to me. That there is nothing that I need to change about my appearance. I am lovely.

So why bother, then, with losing weight?

Simple: I have developed a massive amount of respect for this body. Respecting my body means providing it with the nourishment that will enable it to perform to optimum ability. A diet of crisps, soda and chocolates will not achieve this. I am not depriving myself or going on a crash diet. I am celebrating and honouring what is the most unexpectedly beautiful gifts ever handed to me by the universe: this body.

The Fat Lady

Something extraordinary happened last night.

I went along to an aqua-aerobics class with a lady from work and thoroughly enjoyed myself. No, no, no - me going to an exercise class is not the something extraordinary, though it does come close. The enjoyment side of it isn't the extraordinary bit either. Nope.

It was this:

At the end of the class we got to stretch out and float on our fronts then on our backs and this amazing feeling came over me. You remember when you're a kid and you just figured out you could do something? Remember that sense of fun and excitement with trying something new? That's what I felt. Exactlly as I remember it as a child. That feeling I got when I first learned to swim. That whole "I am proud and special" feeling. That notion that I am perfect as I am that existed long before anyone wanted to change me.

I revelled in it. I basked. I glowed.

I was suddenly reconnected with myself. With me before the domestication and schooling. The true essence of Tanya. Pure, undistilled, undiluted ME.

I wish I knew how to reach that place again or to show others to be there. I wish I could show them a picture of that emotion. What an awesome place to be! That's the spark I have been searching for so long - that thrill of just being alive and learning and playing and breathing and loving. BEING.

Suddenly there were no borders or limitations - just possibilities. It didn't matter that I felt like The Fat Lady when I got into the pool. It didn't matter that I had said nasty things to myself about my weight or anything else.

For those few moments, the only thing that mattered, was the sheer joy at being alive.

Recommendations (in movements of 4)

I recommend the following:

Books

1. We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver
2. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
3. The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
4. Stiff by Mary Roach

Movies

1. The Matrix
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Frida
4. Brokeback Mountain

Blogs

1. Miss Snark - A Literary Agent
2. The Fake Doctor
3. Spontaneous Fiction
4. PurpleSimon's Fiction

Places

1. Venice
2. Amsterdam
3. Tsitsikamma
4. Dublin

Random Things

1. Skinny dipping
2. Standing naked in the moonlight
3. Cats
4. Loving yourself

WE HAVE FOUND LUCIFER!!

I have just spoken to a vet in a city 22 miles from where I live. They have Lucifer.

How he got to Peterborough, I will never know, but a lady in that city found him wandering round her house. She took him in and then decided to have him spayed. (Yes, spayed - she thought he was female.) After spending his time on the operating table, the vet discovered he was male. Checking with the lady, she discovered that she had only had the cat 3 weeks and that she had found him.

The vet asked if she would mind if she checked for a microchip. The lady agreed and voila! It's LUCIFER!

I am so happy!! I am leaving work early and I am off to Peterborough to collect Luce tonight!!!

HOORAY!!!

Thanks to all of you who offered your prayers and chanting - especially you, Chris.

I Miss.... Everyone....

I got onto the train to Leicester yesterday for my first OU tutorial and a group of Morris Dancers got onto the train with me - fully decked out, bells jingling, flowers in their hats. I have nothing against Morris Dancers and I am yet to find out why English people regard them with a degree of contempt.

I worked with a guy once who told me that his dad offered him some sage advice on his 21st birthday and it was this: "Son, do not try Morris Dancing or sodomy."

Seems a bit random to me, but it did make me wonder what was wrong with the much maligned Morris Dancers.

The tutorial went quite well, I must say. I realised that I wasn't as stupid as I thought I was, which is a very good thing. Or at least, it's a step in the right direction.

I feel incredibly lonely today. Kate is down in London, working her rather sexy little butt off and will be going off on a little four-day holiday tomorrow with a friend. That means I don't get to see her until 24 May.

I have just been checking my email and Dori has sent me some of the photos from her wedding celebrations and the sense of disconnectedness I have been trying to stave off has stung me really hard. I miss EVERYONE.

I have missed weddings and new babies. I have not been there to be the proverbial shoulder to cry on. I've missed Champagne cocktails and birthday celebrations. I have missed every single one of my friends in South Africa.

This incredibly deep sense of longing was triggered by the arrival of the photos in my inbox and a desire to hook up with a friend for coffee today. The realisation that anyone I would prefer to be sharing my company with today is in South Africa has only served to highlight my loneliness overall. It is now hovering over my head shining like a neon sign.

This, I suppose, has absolutely nothing to do with Morris dancing.

I have been reading Simon's blog today and have been engaged in a deep philosophical email discussion with him as well. He touched on a subject that I have been pondering for some time ie does the mind survive after death?

In Nichiren Buddhism, it is believed that we return to a state of resting - a bit like sleep - before we turn up in another life. Effectively, you're taken off line and hang around in a latent state until the right circumstances arise to call you back into the world. (This is often likened to a tree, barren in the winter. We know that the tree can bear fruit, but we do not see fruit in the winter. In summer, the right circumstances appear - sun, water, warmth - and flowers then fruit appear. The tree in the winter is in a 'waiting' or latent state. Hope that makes sense.)

So our life-force returns to this cosmic soup of latent state. Does our mind come with?
This question implies the assumption that the mind is the self and everything that makes us... well... us. So, really, you should begin with the question, "What is the mind?"

There are theories that mind is a purely organic construct created by our brains and neural pathways that we create. The more we use certain pathways, the stronger the neural connections. Pathways not used eventually die away. So, if I use my mind for logical thinking, these pathways will be stronger, while perhaps my creative pathways would be weaker. I would be referred to as someone practical, logical. But is that really my true potential or simply a circumstance of biology? Would I be different if I integrated more of my creative pathways? What if an area of my brain is affected by disease or damage and not functioning?

If the mind survives death and it is the self, then we would be the same person in each incarnation, yet we are not. Minds are shaped by experiences, upbringing, biology.
I prefer to use the term lifeforce when referring to that part of me that will survive organic death. I will return to the great cosmic soup and wait. What intrigues me is the theory that we are all one, that only our physical bodies reinforce the illusion that we are individuals and that there is something far more vast than that.While stewing in this vat of cosmic energy, perhaps life forces move and mix and rub off on each other.

So am I the product of a mix of energy? That perhaps a bit of what was you was blended with a bit of what was me whilst we lay dormant? This would imply that I am not ME but US.

Ponderous man... REAL ponderous...

Your thoughts?

Here's a morbid little exercise for you:

Visit THIS LINK and calculate how old you'll be when you die. I will be 78. Leave your death age in my comment thingy.

The Common Wood Pigeon (Columba palumbus) aka Torturer of Cat

The common wood pigeon (Columba palumbus), is meant to be a docile, timid creature, unlike the common house cat (Felix domesticus), which is bold and quirky with a strong murderous streak. With odds like these, one would expect that Common Wood Pigeon is most likely to find itself served as pigeon souffle for Common House Cat. Unless, of course, Common House Cat is Noodle and Common Wood Pigeon is the great big creature that delights in tormenting her. For purposes of identification, I have decided to name Common Wood Pigeon, Jack.

Noodle, a member of a secret society of feline ninjas, takes great pleasure in dragging a variety of small animals in to our home in various states of life - and death. (See ......). Not being a particularly large cat, Noodle brings in nothing bigger than a blackbird. (Unlike her sister Mischa who has once brought home - and devoured - a small gray baby rabbit). The wood pigeon - Jack - is probably the same size as Noodle.

For the past few weeks, wherever Noodle has been in the garden, this pigeon would turn up to plague her. It sits on the telephone wires and coos down to her. It lights on a tree or the shed roof. It perches on our house or the neighbour's. Each time, it bobs its little head, calls to Noodle and waits for her. Once she notices the bird, she goes into stalking mode or "I really wanna kill that thing" mode. Her tail twitches, ears go back and she makes strange mewling noises. Her whole body shakes. All the while her attention is on this wood pigeon. Every time she gets near it, it takes off, lighting on a branch marfinally further away or flying to another roof...

Recently, things have taken a more sinister turn, with Jack appearing in the llama field behind our house. We noticed this when Noodle sat transfixed at the llama window, body shaking and mewling. Inspection revealed Jack, about two feet from the window, walking casually up and down, head bobbing as he went.

This has clearly caused much distress to Noodle. She dreams of catching wood pigoens - her body twitches, whiskers bristling and paws grab air.

Kate and I will not be at all surprised to return home one day to find Jack's corpse presented for us on the living room floor.

Got to love cats, eh?

Nah - It's Not the Way I Would Want to Go

I had a conversation with my mate Ralphie while I was in South Africa. About death. What would be better: if you found out someone had died suddenly or someone had died after a long illness?

I chose long, slow illness. Ralphie went with the sudden sort. We resumed the conversation over email and Ralphie explained that at least you get a chance to say goodbye to someone with the long, slow kind, but you don't have that opportunity with the sudden kind.

My mom died suddenly in November 2001. Heart attack. My father's illness has been killing him for the last 18 years. Emphysema.

Yeah - I was cheated out of patching things up with my mother when she died, but that's not half as bad as watching someone you love dying. What's more, he knows he's dying and this is causing him enormous distress.

My dad was admitted to hospital again recently and he's got a shrink looking in on him. Why?
Because on admission into the hospital he was shouting "I don't want to die!"

He is lonely, depressed and missing my mother and I am not sure how I can help him to create value with each day he has left. There is a massive limit to what he can do due to his illness and he's not been able to spend time working in his beloved garden.

And here I am feeling tremendously helpless.

I told a friend in an email today that I was accepting that this is his karma and witnessing this is mine blahblahblah... but I tell you what, sometimes I don't want to try to see things with my Buddha eye. I WANT to scream and shout and cry and tear down the walls and proclaim that THIS JUST ISN'T FAIR! Nichiren Buddhist believe that the manner in which you die reflects the way in which you have lived and in the next life, the manner in which you are born reflects the manner in which you died in your previous life.

You know... fuck that for a few moments. THIS JUST ISN'T FAIR!!! It sucks and it hurts to see him suffer. And yeah I am angry that for the best part of 30 years he smoked 60 cigarettes a day. Yeah, I am angry for the remaining 20 he smoked 30 a day. Yeah I am angry he quit and started again. And fucking yeah, I am angry that I am not there, that I can't do anything and that I cannot make things better. I am angry too that my life is here in the UK and I so not want to uproot that life to go back to SA permanently. I don't want my dad to be sick. I don't want my dad to die.

Tell you what, though: slow and painful is not the way I want to go. And I have been thinking about creating a living will even though they are not enforceable in the UK at present.

I realise how painful it must be for my dad too. No. This isn't fair. This sucks and it's hard and it's agonising. How do you create value out of that?

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CAT?

Lucifer has gone missing. I am beside myself and so is Kate. He was last seen on the morning of the 26th. I've asked neighbours, got them to open up their sheds and garages, but there is no Luce. I have chanted for his save return. I have prayed to St Francis. I have prayed to Bast.

Now I have printed out LOST posters and the only picture I have of Luce where he has his eyes open is one in which he looks a little evil.

Tinkie was very distressed the first night he was gone. Luce NEVER misses a meal and nor does he go out at night.

I phoned the vet as well. No one has brought in a cat fitting his description and the nurse did suggest that perhaps he was enjoying the spring air. Apparently having male cats neutered is no guarantee that they won't stray, though I would have thought that living with 2 humans at your beck and call was not reason enough to stay.

I have cried myself to sleep. I have been really upset and so has Kate.

You have to understand - Kate and I are in all likelihood NEVER going to have children. Our cats are our children and they get spoiled rotten. I have vowed to live a life in which I deal with all my karma so that I may be rewarded with life as a cat with one of my relatives - it's a magic world of diamante kitty bling collars, kitty treats and warms beds in front of the fire...

SO.... Please send out prayers to whatever deity you worship or the Cosmos, or chant nam-myoho-renge-kyo for my little Lucifer's safe return. I would be ETERNALLY grateful.

Assailed by The Devil King of the Sixth Heaven...

My life force had to be picked up from the floor this morning. It made sticky "schlock" noise as I prised it from the carpet before picking out the debris. I stuffed it into my solar plexus where it belongs, but it's currently sloshing around my lower bowel feeling sorry for itself.

So: not feeling that great about myself today.

It's so easy to allow negativity to march right in and take over. It seems like a far easier option to stick up the white flag instead of fighting it out with the Devil King and giving him the one fingered salute while he surrenders.

Some days it just seems easier to let him win. Easier to buy into the dazzling illusions he projects and say, "Sure, I AM a loser. I give up."

And yeah, it's an effort today to look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. It's tougher than usual to feel my Buddhahood. But I remind myself that this is not about my job, or relationship, or the cats, or the house - it's about me not seeing my true potential and buying into the illusion.

The difference is that now I am aware of it, so I can change my state.

A Rose By Any Other Name? Well... Depends on the Interpretation.

I was thinking the other night while I was in the shower.

For the record, I do think in other places, but it just so happens that the most profound or interesting thoughts that make it through the random idiot stuff tend to do so:

a) in the shower (no bloody notepad to write that down)
b) just before I fall asleep (causing the "OMG! That's a FANTASTIC idea for a book. Must get notepad and write it........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" phenomenon)
c) in the car (no fricken notepad to write that down)
d) in my dreams (I'll just write that down in fire ink on my magic notepad floating in front of me, while I defeat the spy sent to destroy me with my free hand.....)

But, I managed to remember this thought.

Some background first, though:

A few weeks back, I took Kate along to a "Work's Do" and introduced her to all and sundry as "My partner, Kate".

Later, Kate said she wasn't so sure that she liked the term 'partner'. "It just sounds so clinical. I could be your business partner for all they know. Or your gym partner," she said.

So I churned out the alternatives: wife? "No - that might upset people." Girlfriend? "I am more than your girlfriend." Lover? "Yeah - that would really upset people." My personal sex slave? "Now you're just being stupid."

"Right," I said, " YOU suggest something."

"How about you introduce me as your 'other half'? That explains who I am in your life AND it's not offensive."

OK - other half it is.

But now we fast forward a few weeks to the thought I had in the shower: Other half. That kind of implies that neither of us are whole without each other. And that is not a particularly happy thought. It has a slightly co-dependent ring to it.

My ideas regarding relationships have changed enormously over the years. There was a time when I did feel you needed another person to complete your life. What works for me is the belief that both my partner and I are whole individuals, with our own desire for space and privacy - which Kate and I are good at accommodating for each other. When we are together, we enjoy each other as individuals.

I learned the hard way not to see her as part of this thing called a relationship and how she relates to me. The problems I faced taking this view were insane jealousy (her time was MINE damnit!), misunderstanding (but she HAS to think the way I do!) and disrespect (If I could just get her to come round to my way of thinking on how socks are to be folded...) Needless to say, viewing her as this extension of me (this other half, if you like) didn't work particularly well in our relationship. As you may imagine.

Then, I had an epiphany (far more profound than a thought in a shower, although it probably occurred under one of the circumstances listed above). I do not own the rights to Kate: not to her body, her mind, her thoughts, her individuality. Just because I have committed myself to her doesn't mean she belongs TO me, it means that we have chosen to share our lives in a loving relationship. This immediately brought a sense of compassion and loosened the hold of jealousy (let her enjoy her computer game), brought about understanding, (I like the way she challenges me) and respect (who cares how the socks are bloody folded).

I began to see Kate, and our relationship, in an entirely different light. When I shifted my view from Kate being a part of my life to Kate being in my life, I began to respect our differences more. What I thought were big issues (see above re: socks) were silly, and realistically, they were my attempts to control the relationship in some way.

Noting that within our relationship, I could see that many issues we faced were my attempts to control another person's thoughts and actions, and ultimately, that was not loving her.

I shifted my attitude and now both of us are happy. We both have room to grow, we appreciate each other more. I am not relying on Kate to fulfil my needs or to be the sole source of my happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness. With the pressure off her, Kate feels better too. Our love has deepened as a result.

I highly recommend The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz. It was useful in helping to alter my perception of my relationship.

It's interesting to observe - within my relationship and those of others - how one person wishes to exert control and dominate the relationship. I have been in a few of those relationships in the past too - not very comfortable. This occurs to a greater or lesser degree in every relationship with one extreme being domestic violence and the other complete apathy. A middle line is something to aim for.

Or rather, viewing your partner with respect and compassion, rather than focussing on the points that niggle and are unimportant (again, see note above re: socks). This way, when it comes time to discuss something of importance, or to express our feelings, the atmosphere we've created is ripe for dialogue and understanding rather than screaming at each other and throwing tantrums. More grown up too. (Did I just use the term 'grown up'? I am getting really old.)

So... I think I will suggest to Kate that perhaps I won't introduce her as my 'other half', but rather as 'my other whole'.

(Hopefully all this makes sense.)

Gay Movies

OK - I have to ask: why are the majority of gay and lesbian flicks so crap?

I bring to mind, most memorably (although I have DESPERATELY tried to forget) "Claire of the Moon", which has to be by far THE MOST horrendous lesbian movie I have seen so far. Over-long and self-indulgent, not even the obligatory sex-scene (which came - no pun - in the last 10 minutes of the movie) was worth the torture of watching this film. My cats could have done a better acting job and would have skipped over the ENDLESS diatribes on gay life and gay rights and what makes a lesbian a lesbian... YAWN...

In my pursuit of the perfect lesbian flick (yeah -no pun, you get the picture) I have discovered that most of the films are out there not to tell a story, but to push ideals.

I am not knocking the idea of film changing people's views of lesbians, bisexuals, gay men and transexuals in any way, I only ask that when the writers and directors decide to do this that they follow a few simple rules:

1. Write something with a compelling and believable story line

2. Make sure that the people hired for the parts are actually capable of acting

3. The scriptwriter creates compelling and believable dialogue

4. The director has actually directed before and knows how to create a compelling and believable film

I do realise that LGBT film making isn't topical enough for mainstream players, although it's getting there. I have to confess that the ones I have seen and enjoyed are the ones that have obviously had a large enough budget to employ actors with names we recognise.

That said, I have listed my all time GOOD gay (admitedly I haven't seen too many gay male films) and lesbian films and TV series so far:

Bound

If These Walls Could Talk Two

Fingersmith

Tipping the Velvet

Sugar Rush

Boys Don't Cry

Brokeback Mountain

What makes these worth watching? Characters that you fall in love with, stories that are gripping and productions that are top-notch.

Gay and lesbian characters are becoming more visible in numerous TV series. We are 'people'. Taken to the extreme we have "The L Word" (I haven't seen yet) and "Will and Grace".

I have also noticed that lesbian celebrities (Ellen de Generes, Portia Di Rossi, Rosie O' Donnell...) are by far the more visible. Gone are the days when it was just good ole Martina, Melissa and kd that we all knew as lady-lovers.

But here is a strange Hollywood paradox: while it now seems to be popular to be lesbian (or at least have had a lesbian past/affair), you don't get to see too many lesbians in mainstream movies. Conversely, it is still taboo for a male actor to be 'out' yet gay male characters are frequently portrayed on screen (albeit in a very stereotypical manner.)

I am not suggesting that we don't exist simply because Hollywood says so. But come on - there has to be film out there with real Lezzers, portraying real lesbian situations.... no? Anyone? No?

Pah.... I'll write one myself.

"I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent." - Mahatma Gandhi


I open with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi, one of the greatest supporters of peace that this planet has seen.

I have been greatly disturbed by an article I found on the BBC News website this morning that is talking about 'rebranding' the "War on Terror" .

WHAT THE FUCK?

Since when is war a marketing exercise? Why rebrand a war? So you can sell it more effectively to the droves of people who are no longer buying into the death and destruction being caused? They are looking at 'rebranding' (read: marketing) the war "The Long War" because they want to sell us the view that a war, extending for 20 years is what is on the cards. And we had better like it.

"The Long War" sounds a lot softer than "The War on Terror", don't you think? Terror is such a harsh word, an ugly word. Besides, a war on terror and all those who engage in terrorist activities would mean that terrorist cells throughout the world would need to be targeted. And goodness me, the only terrorists on the menu for this war are Al Queda. Ooops. We mis-sold the public on that one.

I am not a believer in war. I am a pacifist. Gandhi's words are so true. And if you are looking at the Buddhist view of cause and effect, if you begin with creating a cause based on violence and murder, you will have the effects that will run along the same vein. Needless to say that karmically, getting the public to buy into a 20 year long war, is not a good thing.

Interestingly, it's controversial to be against war. Have you noticed that? That established ideas seem to be in favour of killing other people, maiming them, stealing their freedom. Think of the protestors against the Vietnam war. Think of Gandhi.

When everyone is going on about how the war will establish freedom and peace, have they actually stopped to think that freedom and peace can be achieved without terrorising (yes, terrorising) a nation of people?

Gandhi was not afraid of being controversial and opting for passive resistance. He wasn't a soldier. He said: "You should be the change that you want to see in the world". Now how profound is that?

Why don't the presidents go and engage in a bout of boxing with each other? Sounds stupid, doesn't it? So, the leaders sending armies in to do that job for them sounds more reasonable? In every playground in every school in the world, there is a bully. The bully gets his friends to help bash the heads in of the kids he wants to intimidate. Every bully is really a coward.

It takes courage to find peaceful solutions to problems that face a nation. It takes courage to step away from the calls to "nuke 'em all".

If only one leader stood up and declared that he would be the change he wants to see in the world.

Vok of, ek het genoeg vriende OR: Fuck off, I have enough friends

My recent trip back to South Africa has, as I had expected, shifted an enormous amount of "stuff".

One of the things I came to realise while enjoying the energy and company of my friends out there was that I have some pretty high quality, super-amazing, awesome people in my life. Every one of my friends is supportive, loving, understanding, challenging and an absolute JOY to be around. Even Gavin and Ralph, who I hooked up with after not seeing them in 16 or 18 years, were downright brilliant and it was as though there was absolutely no time that separated our last meeting.

I am extraordinarily lucky to have these people in my life. And extraordinarily spoiled by having, what I call, Quality Friends - some going way back (20 years is the most), some relatively new (18 months) and some online friends that have only emerged in the last few months.

I had a long chat with Dori while I was in SA about friends and friendships. Very good talk. She had said that she had all the people she needed in her life, good solid friends who stood by her. I realised that the deepest connections I have are with the friends who I have in South Africa. They are the people I grew up with, the ones that know me the best, the ones who have stuck by me (20 years in Dori's case!). They've loved me despite my tirades, stupid mistakes, depressive episodes, inexplicable behaviour and long radio silences. They have laughed and celebrated with me, cried with me, been creative with me, shared secrets with me and witnessed my personal tragedies. They have listened to me drone on about my problems, rail against the world and put forward bizarre theories on life (most likely whilst drunk)

Geneen Roth, in her book, "When You Eat At The Refrigerator, Pull Up A Chair" has said that you should really let go of people (friends) who don't want the best for you. She cites people who scupper your attempts to get well, give up the cigarettes, lose weight... people who put you down and bring you down and who would rather spend an evening picking the scabs off their own (and your own) wounds. (I use this last example metaphorically. I sincerely hope no one reading this has a friend who would physically pick scabs off their friends!) Her ideas are based on the fact that once you start getting well and recovering a sense of self, you are not going to tolerate these things in other people and nor will you find it helpful to your healing to hang out with them.
So I discovered when I sat back in the plane after consuming my teeny-tiny dinner that in fact, I did know some people like that. I call them psychic vampires.

Then I remembered my motto for the year: LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR BULLSHIT. Do I really want to share my energy with people who do not want what's in my interests or do I want to build Quality Friendships with people who do? The next thought was quite sobering: If I want to have friends who are on my side, I have to be a friend that is on the side of the people I care about.

If I want to continue the friendships I have with these fabulous people in my life, I too have to become fabulous. I too have to be strong, loving, supportive, understanding. I too have to listen without judgement while they rail against the world and discuss the universe (most likely whilst drunk). I have got to be the kind of friend I would like to have.

Life IS too short for bullshit, but always big enough for true friends.

Thank you to all the people in my life and all the people reading this. Thank you for your advice, support, love, tissues when needed, shoulder to cry on and for sticking by me even during those moments you may have felt I was genuinely nuts. You are special, fantastic individuals and it's my aim to become the kind of friend to you that you have always been to me.

Big Fat Scary Lesbian

It was bound to happen at some point: a blog entry about homosexuality and my journey into the Sapphic Sisterhood (more of that later).

In fairness this entry was really inspired by seeing Brokeback Mountain recently and the comments that I have received from a couple of friends - one positive, one not so positive.

One friend found the film to be depressing because despite the leaps and bounds the gay community have made in society, they are still being murdered, beaten and generally oppressed because of their sexuality. As a result of her poignant words, I realised that perhaps I was living in a lovely rainbow tinted bubble in which men can love men and women can love women and everyone is ok with it. At least, that was, until a pin was unceremoniously applied to abovementioned bubble.

I checked this with Kate and she agreed that perhaps I am a little too open and her concern for me was that at some point, someone was going to get nasty with me because I refuse to deny, when prompted, who I am.

She does have a point. My friend, too, has a point, so I have removed the lavender tinted spectacles for a bit. And I got thinking. (NEVER a good thing.)

This is what I have come up with: In spite of living in an 'enlightened' society, hate crime is still rife. I live in a country in which honour killing occurs. People are provoked to violence because of differences in race, religion, sexuality, politics, dress, gender... you name it. I am sure that this is what happens to a greater or lesser degree in countries all over the world.

Regardless of the acceptance of other religions, people are murdered because of their faith. Same with race. Same with sexuality. Ultimately this violence stems from fear, which stems from ignorance. The only cure for ignorance is education. So many people are raised with a system of beliefs that states if someone isn't like you and doesn't believe the same things as you, you have to either convert them to your way of thinking or kill them - kill them all!

I have long held a concept that I call 'The Daily Activist'. It's how I live my life and it's the reason I challenge people's attitudes. My faith has taught me that I cannot change other people, but if I want to change my environment (and ultimately society) I have to change myself. So I will say, "Actually, my partner is a she" or "I am not a Christian" or, "So why do you hate French people so much?"

Daisaku Ikeda, President of the Soka Gakkai, the lay arm of Nichiren Buddhism, has said (to paraphrase) if one man stands up, soon another will stand up with him. Then another, and another. So I choose to stand up. Whether that's to educate people about my sexuality or the effects of racial discrimination, I will stand up.

Gandhi was alone on a train when he was asked by a South African conductor to move off because he wasn't white. Gandhi refused. He stood up. Others later stood up with him. Same with Martin Luther King. Nelson Mandela. Daisaku Ikeda. And now, YOU.

And it's not as if people understand when you stand up. There are religions that state that they are based on love for their neighbours and tolerance, when in fact many of their belivers behave in the opposite manner. There are people I have thought would be enlightened, but have been downright ignorant. It's not personal. What they show me is their true character.

A friend once said to me that being gay is not about who you have sex with, but rather with who you love. More often than not, when you tell someone you are gay, they don't see the person, they imagine what you get up to behind closed doors.

Here are some examples of the things I have had said to me:

* (Upon revealing that my partner is a woman to someone who I thought was an enlightened person) "So is it just about the sex?" My response was to ask this person if she was only with her husband because of the sex. Her response was no, that she loves him. Bingo.

* (From my ex-brother-in-law) "Tanya, mark my words, you will go back to men and you'll find another husband." Of course I will, Greg. I am only using Kate for this 3 and a half year long lesbian experiment and this is why we had a commitment ceremony nearly 3 years ago. Kate knows this, by the way, but it doesn't bother her that I am toying with her feelings or that we've set up home together and are the proud mothers of four cats and a hamster. You Twat.

* "Exactly what do lesbians do in bed together?" I could show you, but that would mean you would have to be introduced to the secret lesbian society and we make you sacrifice kittens during the initiation ceremony. I can tell you, however, that it's nothing close to what you get to see in the porn flicks you like to watch so much. There's love involved for a start.

* "Oh my god! Did I turn you gay?" (comment from an ex-boyfriend). My reply: you can't turn people gay just like you can't make a white person black. If being gay or bisexual isn't part of your make up, it ain't going to happen. So, Fabian, no, you didn't turn me gay. I made a stupid mistake born out of guilt and a longing for Rachel who had dissed me. What you did do, however, is seal the idea that you are an abusive psycho bastard. I would still have come to that conclusion if you were a woman.

* (Upon coming out at the late age of 28) "Oh... are you sure? I mean, you've never mentioned this before." Just because I hid how I felt about women from all but a few, doesn't mean that it wasn't there. People do pretty strange things out of religious guilt and fear of judgement and rejection.

*(From my ex-brother-in-law again. Isn't he a gem?) "You're just trying this gay thing out because you want to be different. I KNOW you." OK. First off, if you want to get my hackles rising, tell me you KNOW me. No, you don't know me. Not even my sister was aware that at the age of 14 I was checking the chicks out. And if I wanted to be different, I would have dyed my hair purple. (Which I may still do). I wouldn't have chosen to live a life in which I faced misunderstanding, discrimination and having to put up with comments like that one. You twat.

My Lesbian Story
At 12 I realised that I was a bit different, but couldn't put a finger on it. I checked out chicks when I was 14 onwards, but kept this to myself because I knew that this is not The Christian Thing To Do. I had sex with a guy at 16. I don't think it worked for either of us since we're both gay. I figured that my little teenage infatuation with girls at school and female teachers was a little more than a 'finding yourself' thing. I still dated boys because that's what girls are SUPPOSED to do. At 19, I began to wake up to the idea that perhaps I was gay. I liked the way that sounded, felt, lived inside me. At karate, I was considered to be the 'gay one' out of my sister and I. In fact, Tim, the man who was to become Mr Tanya, was surprised I asked him out because I was 'the gay one'. I told him I wasn't entirely straight. I married him because I needed to get out of the house and hopefully it would put paid to my feelings for women because I was doing the proper 'Christian' thing. And then I met Rachel. Rachel who seduced me and opened so many doors and I wanted to divorce Tim to be with her. I had to stop lying. But then she broke my heart and I embarked on an affair with the first man who showed an interest. I had stopped loving my husband a while before and I wanted to do anything I could to stop how I felt for Rachel and for women. So, Fabian, Brett and Donald, you were the finely tuned instruments I used to punish myself with for loving women. Finally I woke up and decided I was worth more than that and that instead of running from who I was (and hurting myself deeply in the process), it was perhaps best to come out. So I did.

There you have it. Chi-ching - my 10p worth.

YEAH, I AM A BIG FAT SCARY LESBIAN. DEAL WITH IT.